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I’m so sorry that happened in your family too. My parents took my brother and I to one therapy session and that was it. I wish they had done more to help him because he clearly needed it. He was a very difficult child and I believe they didn’t do enough to figure out why he was that way. According to my mom she never let us be alone after that but that wasn’t enough.
Besides the sexual abuse my brother also was physically violent toward me until I was a teenager. I wish we had had grandparents he could have lived with, but both sets of grandparents were very old and lived far away. As an adult he is a very bitter and angry person. He does have a fiancé and their relationship is good, but around my sister, my mom and I (my dad died a couple years ago), he is angry and shut down. I view him as a victim but a victim who sadly turned into a perpetrator who shouldn’t be around children. We live in different states now so I never see him but I always wished I had a normal brother.
Dont be so dismissive
she probably already fucked him
Your wife’s need for what? I’m going to be bold and state the facts. Your wife doesn’t seem to care about you at all in this matter.
Lol you don’t owe her anything, sounds like you’ve given her enough
I’m asking this as mom—how old are you? You sound young. I promise you will be able to move past this but don’t wast your energy on hating her.
Focus on putting positive energy and growth into yourself, and think about the kind of partner you want to attract. Be the kind of person that your ideal partner would be attracted to. And I don’t mean go to the gym—work on your mental health. Do things that bring you joy. Play video games. Enjoy being single.
But don’t waste your energy on hating her. Don’t carry that in your heart and with you into your next relationship.
You help her with pain management, learn about it and you’ll both have a lot more good days. Always jump hot on pain as soon as it begins. The analogy is that if you get a headache and take two paracetamol, it will take it away. If you wait until it’s a migraine the paracetamol won’t do anything. Layer the pain management, tens machine, hard bath and Epsom salts, pain gel, pain killers, etc. There are wearable tens machines, wearable heat pads, electrical stimulation. She needs help. This is what chronic pain looks like.
I stopped reading after the first few sentences. If you weren’t supposed to have hair on your body, your body wouldn’t grow hair.
Men are dumb and I wonder what else he thinks he knows about women more than a woman knows.
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You don't gain (or lose) much weight in the gym. And going to the gym once every 14 days is meaningless.
If he wants to gain more weight, he will have to eat more. Going to the gym would be very helpful with distributing that weight into healthier areas, but not necessary for gaining weight on its own.
That said, he sounds a lot like I did at his age. I suspect that weight will start sticking to him in his early 20s.
Definitely what I was thinking. Didn't work out with the other person so he wants to use OP like a safety net.
Wow dude. Yeah you WILL regret that trust me. The first time the thought of that other guys fucking her crosses your mind to regret will just go full blast. Have fun with that mess to be.
Tell Luke, he should know. Ashley needs to mind her own business. Tell aunt too if you think it will help.
Firstly you should go to bed at the same time even twice a week.
Secondly your child must soon be ready for a pre school ? I don’t know what country you’re in but children of this age usually go to socialise even for four hours a day a couple of times a week.
You could take a holiday day from work together and have a day date?
Put your child to bed early and share a bottle of wine and some food at home? Get dressed up nice as if you were going out or create a carpet picnic with board games and movies?
There are plenty of things you can do even once a week at home when your child is asleep. At 3 years old most children should be going to bed much earlier than parents.
I get being tired but if you think your marriage is suffering then you need to prioritise quality time together sometimes.
Has she told you what happened and how it all went down (excuse the pun)? What was her reason for cheating and why did she do it? How did she handle it afterwards? Did she stay in touch with him at all? Did they use protection?
How would you ever trust her again? The next time she goes out of town, do you think you could honestly trust her? Or, will you spend that time worried that she's doing it again?
Here is reality… For most of us, dating is a test of compatibility. She failed that test.
I dare you to show this Reddit post and responses to your wife.
Option 1 -Sell the house and the husband then move somewhere affordable
Option 2 – divorce, but stay together. Separate finances and charge him rent (don’t do this please).
WARNING: Do not open an account for him in your name or allow all his earnings to go into your account. This will cause you pain that “can” result in you being on the hook for his taxes.
Yeah I stop her making friends all the time it’s great fun… /s
Ffs it’s a communication and boundary issue. If you can’t understand that then you’re in the 1% here and I can’t relate to your view point. Of course I want her to make friends.
We each decide our own boundaries in life and if somebody doesn’t like mine then it’s not a good match up. Boundaries are like speed limits, just because they vary doesn’t mean having different ones is wrong.
Also I do everything in my power to not be controlling but you must’ve read my words and taken them a different way than they were meant.
Didn't think about it from that perspective with friends or a therapist. Thank you for pointing those options out and why they might work better
Funerals create different emotions in different people. Fear of having whatever emotion makes it even worse to deal with. No matter how much it seems his attendance should happen, how logical your argument is … it's going to come down to an emotional approach. Maybe the next time you ask him about it you can show a little emotion. When he says no … maybe allow yourself to cry a little. A fake cry might have unhappy consequences. Just a thought. You decide. Best wishes.
It’s not mental health issues. It’s you refusing to take responsibility for your mental health. If you purposefully not taking the meds you need to positively navigate life. It’s you purposefully choosing to do something that not only negatively affects your (ex) gf, but so,etching that you admit wrecks her.
There are many easy things you can do make sure you have your meds. You should have done them, please do them for your future.
exactly!
But becoming a Physician and serving the sick is my dream and life's goal
Hey bud, I’m not a doctor, but have you tried hydroxyzine? My insomnia was bonkers due to my anxiety so my doc filled a scrip for it. It’s an antihistamine and it’s a bit strong, but it’s easy enough to reduce the dosage.
Also, ages ago, I dated a dude who intentionally woke me up if I fell asleep before he was ready to turn in for the night. It’s legit cruel and really messes with your brain. You deserve better than this, whether he’s doing this accidentally or on purpose.
I hope you get some sleep soon, and good luck sorting all of this out! Rooting for you!!
Diseases from all the different partners. Kids not yours. No trust. No self respect.
Yes. Cheating ends marriages.
Diseases from all the different partners. Kids not yours. No trust. No self respect.
Yes. Cheating ends marriages.
Personally, it’s not the distance that would bother me but the way she went about it. That would be a deal breaker for me. It was strategic in that she doesn’t want you with her. Like damn it seems she wants to be single but keep you just in case she decides you are the better alternative. I could totally be wrong but that is how it reads to me.
Something that happened to her? Sympathy? Wtf? She was sexually assaulted. She got high and drunk and fucked a dude. Nothing “happened” to her, she did something that she now regrets. Sometimes I wonder where the fuck society is heading with this shit.
This. As long as they are genuine, I don't see anything wrong. Don't compliment things she's uncomfortable with, but also don't force yourself to compliment just to compliment.
My fiance loves it when I compliment her and notices when I don't. Even when I do, she tells me I'm annoying, in a loving and laughing tone. When I don't, she'll always ask if I don't like it or something. So, I suppose she's gotten used to all my complimenting.
And also, the fact that you are still head over heels for her 9 years later is always a plus!
I thought she meant she could see a line on a pee test…
Hoo boy, this is a lot. First of all, your anger and feelings are completely valid. You knew this was happening, he gaslit you into thinking it wasn't even though he had to know by that point he was developing feelings for her, you forced yourself to ignore it and all the warning signs it was getting worse, then he finally confesses. You should be angry and you should feel betrayed. If he had listened to you in the first place this could've been cut off before it got too far.
I dont know what to do.
First thing to do is to stop worrying about this:
I dont want to be the reason he has to lose a friend
She's no longer a friend, she is a person he is having an emotional affair with. If allowed to continue, it will become a physical one.
I don't want him to spend more time with her. I don't want him to talk to her.
Of course you don't, and you shouldn't. He's been having an emotional affair with this woman.
But he has every right to be friends with whoever he wants to be friends with.
Not anymore. Stop thinking of her as a friend and start thinking of her as an affair partner. Of course he needs to end all contact with her, he can't be trusted to maintain it. He has done serious damage to your marriage with his inability to control himself around her. Even if she was completely unaware of all of this (and I don't think she possibly could be, most of what you wrote about their interactions made it pretty clear that this emotional affair was a two way street) you still have to deal with you husband's end of it.
Frankly you shouldn't HAVE to tell him to end contact with her, he should do that himself and he should have done it yesterday. It's unfair that he's putting you in the position of having to tell him to do the obvious thing he should have already done. His relationship with this person is damaging your marriage, he should have already stopped it.
What I would do is basically tell him that. “You have been having an emotional affair and lying to me about it every time I noticed a warning sign. I shouldn't have to tell you to cut contact with this woman, it's ridiculous that you haven't already done it and it's incredibly unfair to put me in the position where I have to police behavior that you should know damn well is not appropriate. I am not interested in a marriage where I'm the warden and you're the inmate and I have to constantly keep an eye on you. I'm not going to tell you to cut contact with her. I am going to tell you that if you don't do the obvious right thing immediately we are going to have a much more serious problem.”
I think the important thing to say here is that you may have to be okay with him not spending your birthday with you. It sounds like you don’t want to let him down since he “planned” so maybe he just has to miss out now. Like
“aww babe I understand you want to go to the lake house to spend your sisters birthday with her. This year I just want to spend my birthday with my friends and family and unfortunately they can’t come to the lake house. Since you already planned to go, you can just go and I’ll stay here. Maybe next year we can do something here”