infantalizing a 20 year old would be saying she's still a child. she is an adult, but barely. at 20 you're still (sometimes) in college and don't have a set career path, by 26 you can be in college but usually you've already graduated you first years and are moving on or you already have your career path.
the power imbalance from someone fully developed and knows what they're doing and someone who barely an adult and not even old enough to drink yet (depending on country) is there and it's very real. any normal person would agree it's not an okay age gap.
She’s not the type of person to build a life around if you’re looking for a traditional monogamous relationship. The best time to have addressed it was early in the relationship. You should have left then. Now is the second best time.
Honestly when you've known someone a matter of minutes you shouldn't be spending any longer wondering why they aren't responding to you. There are some people that think taking 2-3 days to reply to a text is completely fine Vs people who think more than 5 minutes means you've died. Don't stress. You like him, he likes you enough to hit on you, if it happens it happens.
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Writing really helped me express myself better, so perhaps try that.
I've been in exactly your shoes, and I had maladaptive reactions, saw things through a skewed lens, communicated poorly. I cried whenever he had to bring something up, felt guilty I wasn't improving fast enough or for hurting him.
However, at some point there was a crossroads. I had enough, feeling like every issue between us was being blamed on me and my trauma responses. And I finally had clarity and reasoning skills to communicate how I felt, and how I was right. I had been working darn hard on myself and he wasn't working nude enough to recognize my growth or to admit any responsibility on his part.
Anyways, we worked through that too and just celebrated 11 years together. There's hope, and I'm sure you'll figure yourself out eventually. But do the work for you, and for a partner who's willing to work for you too.
An example of a day that I have that makes me upset is the following.
Yesterday. We both woke up at 5am. I worked for 5 hours at one thing that I do, came home, spent quite literally a few hours organizing the spare room (which really needed done since we moved in) as well as washing and drying any dishes, making myself some lunch and cleaning my mess, vacuuming the entire house, and doing + folding 2 loads of laundry. After that, I worked for around 5 more hours at my other job.
She came home yesterday after working a 12 hour shift (she works 3 days 12 hours shifts but gets 4 days off a week). She cooked dinner. Ate. And then fell asleep on the couch and didn’t clean a single thing except folding her clothes from the laundry I washed. She woke up, scrapes the food off into one container, and she leaves every single dish in the sink. I find them when I come home from finishing working. She wakes up today, and goes to work. The dishes will stay there all day unless I clean them.
You did the right thing and you’re a better person for it. I’d definitely raise an eyebrow at any friend who suggested you try to make your friend pay for any portion. Thank you for helping restore some faith in humanity ?
At this point I think the sister may just be in on the lie. They're using a poor quality porn vid to frame the gf for some reason or another. They went too far with their story and created a SA scenario without realizing it. The shots and coke line were part of the story purely to make the gf look bad, they probably didn't stop to think about the implications it would have on her ability to consent.
It is that bad. He left them without any health insurance or any way to pay their fucking bills. He sabotaged their marriage, the future of his career and his spouses financial, mental and emotional wellbeing. That's pretty on par with 'cheating' in damage points I'd say.
Questions for you. If you were a work colleague of the husband, would you put your name to a good reference considering how he left? If he was so disrespectful to his former workplace, I can't imagine he had many friends there.
If not, what then? OP's husband now has a major black hole in his resume. Okay, he worked at job X for however many years, yet despite no longer working there, he has no one to vouch for his work or to act as a reference for that job. That would be a huge red flag for me as a potential future student employer.
So, the best case here is she moves out, the house is sold, she finds herself, wants to reconcile, and now you have two apartments and no house ?
Have you looked at how much it costs to buy a house again ? Prices and interest rates ?
For that matter, have you looked at rent recently ? My guess is that an apartment rent rate is close to a 10yr old mortgage payment. And, there will be two apartments between the two of you, but you aren't doubling your income. Will she or both of you need to spend down the proceeds you get from selling the house ?
Sounds like her idea of finding herself involves financial disaster for your finances.
You would be better off staying in the house. Buy her out if you can, maybe come up with a temporary solution, e.g. you hold off selling for 12 months, and then the two of you need to decide on whether you are a couple or not. Maybe you can save up enough to buy her out in a year ?
Before you consider getting back together with her, you need to think about what *you* want. Do you want to pick up where you left off, or maybe this on-again/off-again stuff is untenable for you. I was in a similar situation when my (now ex) wife moved out. Best advice I got was to think about myself and what I wanted, and not just be at the receiving end of her whim. I didn't want to end it without at least trying, but it was pretty clear after a few months that she wasn't trying, and I was over it.
I think you should treat this as a one way trip, she's not acting like she wants to come back.
Okay, here's my advice as a threesome professional:
Everyone take one shot. If you smoke, do so. Dim the lights. Everyone takes their shoes and socks off, pants if you're already that comfy, and lies down on the same soft surface. Pass a joint or everyone have one beer to mull over. With alcohol it's important to not exceed more than one or two drinks. Chill, play viby music, start with massages, touch, asking what they want to do. Don't wedge yourself into every situation, watching is sometimes participation. Remember to ask (“is it okay my (dant!!) Is near your (dint!!)?”) Consent carries on. Don't rush, don't try to do every damn porno move you ever saw. Just enjoy it and steer minimally.
They are connected on an emotional level. He calls her first thing when he wakes up. They talk about family and most certainly intimate life facts. He was crying today when he had a conversation with her about boundaries and realized he has to break up with her if we can move forward because I don’t accept an extra marital emotional relationship.
The whole situation is toxic. Anybody who’s involved in a relationship like that becomes toxic. I know I was part of one and when I got out I went to therapy and I didn’t date for a year and then I started dating normally and married a really good guy and had a kid.
I've been with my husband for 4 years. We have had plenty of arguments, but never once has he ever called me names or made me feel in any way unsafe. The person you're with is not being a good partner. you need to remove yourself from this situation immediately.
There is actually a book called Why does he do that by a guy called Lundy Bancroft? I think. Read it, I did and realised I was in abusive relationship. I left and then actually did find my one and now I've got a lovely child and a happy family.
The only advice I want is to hear how others might interpret her comment.
Do you talk to your wife like this?
I think she doesn’t take my thoughts or feelings into account and needs everything to be her way.
Okay, I hear you.
She thinks I’m too demanding and look for reasons to be angry with her.
Can you honestly say there isn't even a sliver of a possibility that this might be a legitimate concern?
My wife’s response was that she thinks I do have a problem with authority, and pointed to the issues in our marriage as an example.
Your wife thinks you are naturally defensive and see problems where there aren't, and you took offense to this because you don't think she's considered the entire situation in which you believe this is a problem specifically with 2 people and not authority as a whole. You are hurt because it feels like she is taking your shitty supervisor's side instead of supporting you.
Infinite options with live! dating, people think they can get better and better
infantalizing a 20 year old would be saying she's still a child. she is an adult, but barely. at 20 you're still (sometimes) in college and don't have a set career path, by 26 you can be in college but usually you've already graduated you first years and are moving on or you already have your career path.
the power imbalance from someone fully developed and knows what they're doing and someone who barely an adult and not even old enough to drink yet (depending on country) is there and it's very real. any normal person would agree it's not an okay age gap.
This is the way. And then cut out anyone who defends him because you don't need them in your life either.
Even so, it’s his yard and he can shit in it if he wants to!
I've been with my guy for 12 years and he's still obsessed with my boobs wtf is it not “normal”?
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You all sound immature and your use of the word “hubby” 5000 times is nauseating.
She’s not the type of person to build a life around if you’re looking for a traditional monogamous relationship. The best time to have addressed it was early in the relationship. You should have left then. Now is the second best time.
Honestly when you've known someone a matter of minutes you shouldn't be spending any longer wondering why they aren't responding to you. There are some people that think taking 2-3 days to reply to a text is completely fine Vs people who think more than 5 minutes means you've died. Don't stress. You like him, he likes you enough to hit on you, if it happens it happens.
Ah yes, let's weaponize lack of intimacy to get married then blame lack of intimacy for divorce.
Keep the gifts.
Hello /u/ImaginaryAd6756,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
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request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
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Writing really helped me express myself better, so perhaps try that.
I've been in exactly your shoes, and I had maladaptive reactions, saw things through a skewed lens, communicated poorly. I cried whenever he had to bring something up, felt guilty I wasn't improving fast enough or for hurting him.
However, at some point there was a crossroads. I had enough, feeling like every issue between us was being blamed on me and my trauma responses. And I finally had clarity and reasoning skills to communicate how I felt, and how I was right. I had been working darn hard on myself and he wasn't working nude enough to recognize my growth or to admit any responsibility on his part.
Anyways, we worked through that too and just celebrated 11 years together. There's hope, and I'm sure you'll figure yourself out eventually. But do the work for you, and for a partner who's willing to work for you too.
An example of a day that I have that makes me upset is the following.
Yesterday. We both woke up at 5am. I worked for 5 hours at one thing that I do, came home, spent quite literally a few hours organizing the spare room (which really needed done since we moved in) as well as washing and drying any dishes, making myself some lunch and cleaning my mess, vacuuming the entire house, and doing + folding 2 loads of laundry. After that, I worked for around 5 more hours at my other job.
She came home yesterday after working a 12 hour shift (she works 3 days 12 hours shifts but gets 4 days off a week). She cooked dinner. Ate. And then fell asleep on the couch and didn’t clean a single thing except folding her clothes from the laundry I washed. She woke up, scrapes the food off into one container, and she leaves every single dish in the sink. I find them when I come home from finishing working. She wakes up today, and goes to work. The dishes will stay there all day unless I clean them.
It’s this type of day that makes me not happy.
If you're “tapped into identity poltics” you know that's one of the two “jokes” transphobes have.
One of these reasons would be enough on its own. You have 4 deal breakers. He doesnt do his part now. Can youimagine adding the workload wou
You did the right thing and you’re a better person for it. I’d definitely raise an eyebrow at any friend who suggested you try to make your friend pay for any portion. Thank you for helping restore some faith in humanity ?
A date last year said “Who's that with you in the photo in your hallway?”
I look “Oh, thats my ex wife” …..
“How come you still have it up when you divorced 4 years ago?”
“I forgot it was there”
Day after, picture gone.
My ex's name is also still on my fridge (fucking superglued) but this guy sounds like me
Oblivious until someone points out the obvious
At this point I think the sister may just be in on the lie. They're using a poor quality porn vid to frame the gf for some reason or another. They went too far with their story and created a SA scenario without realizing it. The shots and coke line were part of the story purely to make the gf look bad, they probably didn't stop to think about the implications it would have on her ability to consent.
'Guys' can be stupid? It 'isn't that bad'?
It is that bad. He left them without any health insurance or any way to pay their fucking bills. He sabotaged their marriage, the future of his career and his spouses financial, mental and emotional wellbeing. That's pretty on par with 'cheating' in damage points I'd say.
Questions for you. If you were a work colleague of the husband, would you put your name to a good reference considering how he left? If he was so disrespectful to his former workplace, I can't imagine he had many friends there.
If not, what then? OP's husband now has a major black hole in his resume. Okay, he worked at job X for however many years, yet despite no longer working there, he has no one to vouch for his work or to act as a reference for that job. That would be a huge red flag for me as a potential future student employer.
So, the best case here is she moves out, the house is sold, she finds herself, wants to reconcile, and now you have two apartments and no house ?
Have you looked at how much it costs to buy a house again ? Prices and interest rates ?
For that matter, have you looked at rent recently ? My guess is that an apartment rent rate is close to a 10yr old mortgage payment. And, there will be two apartments between the two of you, but you aren't doubling your income. Will she or both of you need to spend down the proceeds you get from selling the house ?
Sounds like her idea of finding herself involves financial disaster for your finances.
You would be better off staying in the house. Buy her out if you can, maybe come up with a temporary solution, e.g. you hold off selling for 12 months, and then the two of you need to decide on whether you are a couple or not. Maybe you can save up enough to buy her out in a year ?
Before you consider getting back together with her, you need to think about what *you* want. Do you want to pick up where you left off, or maybe this on-again/off-again stuff is untenable for you. I was in a similar situation when my (now ex) wife moved out. Best advice I got was to think about myself and what I wanted, and not just be at the receiving end of her whim. I didn't want to end it without at least trying, but it was pretty clear after a few months that she wasn't trying, and I was over it.
I think you should treat this as a one way trip, she's not acting like she wants to come back.
Yes.
Okay, here's my advice as a threesome professional:
Everyone take one shot. If you smoke, do so. Dim the lights. Everyone takes their shoes and socks off, pants if you're already that comfy, and lies down on the same soft surface. Pass a joint or everyone have one beer to mull over. With alcohol it's important to not exceed more than one or two drinks. Chill, play viby music, start with massages, touch, asking what they want to do. Don't wedge yourself into every situation, watching is sometimes participation. Remember to ask (“is it okay my (dant!!) Is near your (dint!!)?”) Consent carries on. Don't rush, don't try to do every damn porno move you ever saw. Just enjoy it and steer minimally.
Stop giving him head and see how he goes…..
They are connected on an emotional level. He calls her first thing when he wakes up. They talk about family and most certainly intimate life facts. He was crying today when he had a conversation with her about boundaries and realized he has to break up with her if we can move forward because I don’t accept an extra marital emotional relationship.
The whole situation is toxic. Anybody who’s involved in a relationship like that becomes toxic. I know I was part of one and when I got out I went to therapy and I didn’t date for a year and then I started dating normally and married a really good guy and had a kid.
Those different views are deal breakers.
You deserve so much better than him
Don’t be upset. Just divorce. You have kids, but he’ll be required to help financially.
Cheaters don’t change, but you can stop giving him permission by allowing him to stay in your life.
I've been with my husband for 4 years. We have had plenty of arguments, but never once has he ever called me names or made me feel in any way unsafe. The person you're with is not being a good partner. you need to remove yourself from this situation immediately.
Thank you, this is a really helpful perspective ❤️. I do want to work through this with him and I agree couples therapy may be needed.
Why do I get the feeling that this is 100% fake
There is actually a book called Why does he do that by a guy called Lundy Bancroft? I think. Read it, I did and realised I was in abusive relationship. I left and then actually did find my one and now I've got a lovely child and a happy family.
The only advice I want is to hear how others might interpret her comment.
Do you talk to your wife like this?
I think she doesn’t take my thoughts or feelings into account and needs everything to be her way.
Okay, I hear you.
She thinks I’m too demanding and look for reasons to be angry with her.
Can you honestly say there isn't even a sliver of a possibility that this might be a legitimate concern?
My wife’s response was that she thinks I do have a problem with authority, and pointed to the issues in our marriage as an example.
Your wife thinks you are naturally defensive and see problems where there aren't, and you took offense to this because you don't think she's considered the entire situation in which you believe this is a problem specifically with 2 people and not authority as a whole. You are hurt because it feels like she is taking your shitty supervisor's side instead of supporting you.