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Date: October 21, 2022
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So your boyfriend sounds like a selfish, insecure jerk.
Bottom line, he just doesn't want his buddy to know he's not taking care of business.
Your husband sounds very shallow… You are worth more than your weight and someone that really loves you won't care what those little numbers say …
He's trying to coerce you into swx with his shit attitude.
You don't owe him sex, and the more he behaves this way, the more turned off by him you will be.
Sexual coersion is abuse, and you deserve better. I'm sorry for what you are going through with your mom. Someone who loves you would not be actively working to make this time even worse for you. He would care about what YOU need right now.
I'm 40f, my hubby and I also had children in our mid to late 20s. So we have been where you were and are at the same stage of life you are in now.
Few thoughts, first I think going out with your friends one night every week when you have really young children and work in hospitality was probably unreasonable. I cannot imagine having been there myself finding the time for both of us to have a night off every single week before our children were more independent. So while I'm sure part of it was insecurity another portion was the unreasonableness of the request. The amount of laundry, cooking, cleaning, bathing, changing etc that we had to do between 6-8 every day plus work was extrodinary and we only had 2 while you have 3. Add to that working in hospitality. I'm an excellent organiser and I couldn't organiser you a free night every week at that stage in life without it negatively affecting our family. However, at 40 with kids that don't need diaper changes, can vacuum their own spaces and make their own food when required there is a lot more free time so I don't think what time you could have now and what time was available then is comparable.
Second, are you holding on to resentment from the past. Well you acknowledge you are so you should probably seek help for that. These are not identical situations. What you can do when you have semi independent kids and what you can do when you have children still needing you to wipe their behinds is very different. What was not a reasonable situation then might be reasonable now and I think you need to discuss that with a professional.
Finally, your wife's dismissal of your feelings. So here I think is where she's actually in the wrong. You clearly have issues with restrictions placed on you in the past – even though you seem to show some realisation that your requests back then may not have been feasible without negatively impacting your partner. However, she shouldn't be as dismissive of the situation as she is being and she should be validating your emotions and helping to manage your insecurities they way you did hers. I don't think her wanting to go out now – when you are in a different less hectic stage of life – is unreasonable, but I do think how she is managing it with you isn't working and there needs to be better communication on the topic. Your insecurities are normal for this situation and she is being very dismissive.
My advice, corny as it is, is relationship therapy. You both need better communication skills. She needs to validate your feelings and emotions and you need to be able to draw a line on the past and realise that as life changes the things that are reasonable change as well. Also, if it makes any difference I've have had a lot of friends go through this phase, it usually only lasted till they realized that at 40 being out till 2am hurts for days to come if done regularly so they all pulled back after a couple of months.
Oh wow, she gained the amount of weight women are supposed to gain during pregnancy and didn't immediately lose it. How despicable of her. That totally makes it fine for her partner to watch porn in front of her.
(and something tells me she can't exactly “hit the gym” and leave the kid with Mr. Porn Addict, so easier said than done on the “losing weight” front).
My husband and I (who've been together 23 years) have the guideline that if we wouldn't do something in front of each other (flirting, messaging, etc) then it crosses the line.
It's up to you two to decide what's cheating and what isn't.
A simple rotation of easy crock pot meals for dinner would do wonders for lightening her mental and physical load.
Think of it this way, he just risked death for those flowers, lol.
The only way it can be taught is if the student wants to learn. And your husband very clearly doesn’t want to learn. Nothing you say to him is going to change that fact. If he cared about your opinion, why would he regularly, knowingly sexually assault you? Why would he dismiss your trauma as “a you problem?” He wants a bang maid, not a wife.
By the way, when you leave (because you NEED to leave!), he’s going to change his tune and start lovebombing you. Don’t fall for the crocodile tears and the promises to be better. As soon as he has you on the hook again, he will resume SAing you. He’s had two years to learn to do better. Don’t give him a 50th chance.