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Date: November 4, 2022
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Contrarian here. You are a very naïve person. You didn’t fantasize about having sex with him. You understood what was going to happen a bit late in the process. As you realized this, you ran out. In my opinion, you didn’t cheat if you didn’t have feelings for this guy. I think it is a lesson for you. I think you should take it to the grave, except if you had feelings for this guy and then you have to tell your husband and get straight into IC.
You are young, don’t despair. Be yourself, treat people kindly, be a good person overall, and don’t be afraid to reach out first to people. Something wi happen for you eventually
He has NRE….new relationship energy. While he might not be physically cheating, he is eating up all the attention someone new is giving him. It can be addicting, especially to somewith low self esteem and he doesn't even think he is doing anything wrong. He needs a cold bucket of water dumped on him whether that is in the therapy session you have set up or being served divorce papers. But also understand the he may be keeping her as a back up plan and try to get with her if you leave him.
Why is always 100% on the woman when the man gets her pregnant? He couldve worn a condom as well.
just graduated from high school last summer
She graduated highschool at 23?
Why do you want to be with a guy who makes fun of you publicly, DRIVES DRUNK WHILE YOURE IN THE VEHICLE, and leaves you to find your own way home… All on your bday, which is special to you?
Throw the whole man out, you can do better than him.
Thanks!
He has not assessed the value or impact of his old folk-y ideas of what it is to be a “man.” Those ideas probably came from his upbringing and what he imagined for the family he wished he had. Which is an idealized and not necessarily more perfect thing. Unfortunately, it also sounds like you two may not have had a very explicit conversation about what you wanted and expected your life together to look like logistically in advance of marriage. Either that, or your goals subsequently diverged and nobody checked in.
At this point, he's trying to figure out how to respond to the realization that he wanted his life to look one way but did a shit job of making sure an important aspect was agreed upon in advance. He might deal with this via denial, he might place inappropriate blame on you for his failure to explore how important this would be for him with you in advance, or he might directly confront the fact that things aren't what he'd anticipated and try to accept it. Or some combo.
For you, it is worth realizing that this means you two may have a fundamental disagreement about childrearing and even might have different perspectives on who women can be. It probably means that you have A LOT more to discuss around having kids before having kids. This could indicate an opportunity for growth for him or not be as big of a deal for you as it seems in your writing. It could be a fundamental disagreement that you can't get past.
The trust piece on your part seems to figure in, but it may be less about you needing to demonstrate more trust and more about him learning that seeing financial realities of almost $40k/yr difference isn't a “trusting him” thing as much as it is a “living comfortably or being at the brink” thing. I'm sure since this is all your perspective, you could be being excessively generous to yourself, but currently it reads like the main work you need to do on your own is recognizing that he needs to work through some shit that you can't work through for him.
If I feel uncomfortable sharing it with my partner than it means I deemed that I did something wrong. Something I need to hide from them. If that is closeness with someone else that I felt the need to hide, then yes there’s an element of cheating there. At least something worth bringing to light and figuring out with your partner.
Oh it’s not even the first time! Whoa! Ok! She’s got issues. Like too many for you to deal with! Did she do this last deal at work? If so, go to HR, with anyone who witnessed it.
I want you to listen to me VERY carefully!!! YOU ARE NOT A PUNCHING BAG!!! You have a RIGHT to on-line without being hit! Or emotionally abused!!!
You need to go to HR, explain the situation, bring anyone who witnessed it with you (they’ll interview them separately), but you want it on record before doing ANYTHING else. Then, once it’s on record (whatever the outcome would be) tell her it’s done. If you live! together, file for an eviction, or give her your 30 day intention to vacate. Go stay with friends, hotel, anything. There’s physical abuse, if she sued you for that 30 days of rent, it’s not going to go the way she thinks it will! I’d know. I’ve been there.
You need to do this right, and in the correct order. Get it on file with HR. Let them handle her. If she loses her job, then the only one she can blame is herself. And do NOT feel bad. This has always been in her, she just happened to cross the line recently. And there’s a possibility of her sleeping with a supervisor? Make sure that goes on file as well. This is all HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL!!! And if she hits you between now and then, try to get it on video, but CALL THE POLICE!!! Even if it’s at work!
And just because you’re a man and it may not have hurt physically, does NOT mean it won’t escalate, and escalate quickly. This is coming from someone who grabbed her kids, important paperwork, some clothes and ran from a cop. He wasn’t a cop for long. Once the accusation is made, that’s ballgame in our state, thankfully. He had to turn in anything “work” related, I’m sure you’re picking up what I’m throwing down. Luckily, my neighbors saw it, and told them what they saw.
You NEED to leave. I’m sorry to be the one telling you this! But it’s already over! Your pride may be dented, but better your pride than let’s say…. Idk, your head next time….. she’s not a good person. Most abusers apologize until they don’t. She’s already at the I’m not even going to pretend to have remorse stage. And the excuse it’s her period? Wow! Just….. wow! How have billions of women ever survived their periods, and how have their husbands survived as well?
I wish you luck, and healing! But please do what I’m suggesting!