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  1. She grieved and moved on while you were gone. There’s no coming back to this relationship. Can you start a new one with her in the future? Maybe but you need to listen if that’s what you want. You would need to give up being away all the time. You say she’s your only priority, but I’m sorry man, you didn’t pick up on how unhappy being a part time girlfriend was making her and you kept your work as top priority. She may have said at the time to take the job, but she’s allowed to change how she feels about it and it wasn’t talked about till it was too late. Good luck but it sounds like she’s gone.

  2. Funny that you assume reporting means he's going to prison. It's not acceptable at all but a LOT of people don't report because unfortunately they often don't do much. This is especially the case for men.

  3. It's a difficult situation.

    First thing I'd advise is to try to see things from your grandmother's perspective. You're mostly focused on how her actions affect you. You need to see it from her point of view.

    Now, I have zero experience being an 80-year-old Chinese grandmother, but I'm going to make a few guesses, and you'll have to fill in he gaps, or prune away what isn't right.

    It's the mother's job to raise her children. She expects her children to obey her, and not to argue, because that's how children are supposed to behave. This is vitally necessary for the children themselves. There are a thousand different small things that children have to learn to do exactly right. If they don't, they'll bring shame and humiliation upon themselves and upon their family. The only way to save them from this doom is to drill proper behavior into their heads.

    Now, her granddaughter has come from across the ocean. Her own daughter went to live! in foreign lands, with terrible influences. Her granddaughter, whom she loves, is tainted by a thousand bad influences of the modern world. It seems hopeless to even try. But this is her only chance to help her granddaughter. She's got a few years left, in which she might possibly save her granddaughter from some of the terrible habits she's picked up. It's a nude, thankless task, but she has to try. She views you as an ignorant, forward, contentious child, despite your age, but she loves you and wants to help you.

    I have to wonder, though, at what age your mother left your grandmother's house, and how quickly she got married after leaving, and how far away she moved. It's possible your grandmother was a lot more lenient with your mother, and now bitterly regrets it. I also wonder where your grandmother lies on the scale of Chinese-grandmother-severity. I.E. would most women from her age and background agree with her, or would they also see her as excessively harsh?

    What to do? I think there are no good solutions here, and you'll have to choose between the bad ones.

    You can submit to her will in her house, as best you can, and defy it outside, as best you can. You're not going to online there your whole life. If your mother managed it until she was 21, maybe you can manage it for a year or two more.

    – You can argue with her and defy her openly, which will be gratifying in the short term, but will cause an irreparable breach with her, and a lot of grief for everyone. I'd advise against this.

    – You can try to find a compromise. This might work, or it might not. If she expects absolute deference, then even a suggestion of a compromise might be unacceptable, because it implies a degree of equality between you two.

    For this to work, you need to find some common ground. One way this might work is like this:

    1) Find some elements in her worldview which you agree with. She might be worried about you dating several men at the same time, getting married at age 35, having children out of wedlock. If these choices are abhorrent to you, she might be very relieved to know this. You might have more in common than you suspect. Do you hope to be married by 25? Share this hope with her. The point is, if you show her you value at least part of her worldview, this is something you can agree on. If she sees you drinking up her advice about relationships with men, she might not be so inflexible about your diet.

    2) Find some tangible, specific things which you can accept, and agree to these explicitly. She wants you to learn to speak in a certain way. Maybe that's not so bad? It could be an interesting exercise. A lot of people have found themselves working nude to learn to speak foreign tongues, or without an accent. And it might prove useful to you, say, if you find yourself later in life trying to close a financial deal with an older Chinese gentleman. It might even be a good challenge, purely in the intellectual sense.

    She's worried about your weight? Maybe you can agree with her that you will not exceed a certain weight, which you yourself have no intention of exceeding. You can have a weekly weighing ritual. You'll feel like an idiot, but it'll reassure her that you accept her values, and accept her guidance in this matter.

    These are just examples. You'll have to find true ones yourself. Don't be too stubborn here. Ask yourself what's really important to you. You've gotten used to doing whatever you want, without thinking about it too much. Start thinking. What's really important?

    The idea is this. Once you've done this preparation in your head, speak to her. Tell her you wanted to come to Japan to learn from her, because the modern world has lost its way, and you want to understand how the older generations lived. That said, you are still a creature of the modern world, and you cannot change your soul. But you want to meet her halfway, so you can learn at least something. You do not want to make the mistake your mother made (I'm going on a limb here) and cut yourself off completely from your heritage. And you want to have at least something to pass on to your own daughters.

    Her reaction will probably be to reject this notion, because her expectation of complete deference will be too strong to overcome. But she might surprise you. And you might surprise yourself, by finding that some of the old traditions are more agreeable than you thought. Who wants to eat cheese at night? Crazy, this youngsters are.

    Also, I'm curious as to how an 80-year-old grandmother came to on-line in the Japanese countryside. If she's 80, that means she was born in 1943. Not an auspicious year for Sino-Japanese relations, to put it mildly.

  4. If she's drinking like an alcoholic, you are doing her no favors by enabling her. When you give someone an ultimatum like “I will leave unless you quit drinking” and they don't quit- then you go. Otherwise, you have removed any reason for them to change. She'll have to do that on her own.

    Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks lined up. That debt is probably both of yours now, but at least if you divorce now it will be capped at 20K. In another 3 years it may grow exponentially.

    As for her dying without you- people are resourceful, especially alcoholics. Trust me when I say she'll survive.

  5. Yeah that’s true but like I said I’m in no rush to get in another relationship if we still talking a year down the line or something maybe I’ll Try again

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