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He’s got an obsession, clearly. Some of what you do depends on the type of obsession: celebrity? Internet personality? Friend? Ex? Porn starlet?
And what does he ask of her? A note? A friendship? A signed g-string?
But in general, your very best move is your hardest, which is to sit down calmly with him, and tell him, “So it isn’t normal to spend five years chasing somebody and desperately trying to get their attention. Tell me why you do it. No judgments from me, I just want to understand why it’s happening.”
Of course, most people are ashamed of their obsessions, so he’ll likely try to soft-pedal it. But remind him this is obsessive behavior, and it wants a real explanation. Is it a crush? People get obsessive crushes. They sometimes yield with therapy and time.
When the conversation is over, take a few days to think about it. What he says and what he agrees to do will tell you what you need to know.
Ask yourself in all honesty, would you REALLY be better off without him? Or is that just a pipe dream, and you would feel even more overwhelmed? As your kids push into adolescence, they will present new challenges that you might not have anticipated; an extra adult can make a difference.
You don't mention finances, so I'm assuming they are not a pressing concern at this point. Is it possible that having an afternoon-evening part-time housekeeper could relieve some of the tension? Cleaning up the house for you, at a minimum; overseeing homework getting done without shoting; taking the dog for a walk, maybe with one of the children along.
This is a solution many people refuse to consider, just as your husband refuses therapy because the one time he did try it, it wasn't useful. Dual-income parents are quite often stretched to the max. Talk this idea over with your husband, explaining that you'd like home to be a more serene place and that's the reason you want to explore hiring someone.
quirks? your presence is required for 8 hours but they only pay you for 5?
you are getting shafted. that's not a quirk lol
The best thing to do in any situation like this is to leave and do not interact with him anymore. Plainly speaking — he drew his boundaries and you need to respect that you are no longer friends. The unfortunate truth is you were probably emotionally too much, and he reached his own limits. It’s okay for people to walk away from you and you for them. He shouldn’t be dragging you to everyone he meets, but you’re feeding into that by “pestering him?” If he’s still referring to you as a “pest”, I am going to presume some contact is still in place.
If after 3 years she doesn’t believe you that’s a lost cause. Without trust a relationship has no future.
You can break up first or record him secretly and then break up.
But a true partnership doesn’t require proof. If my husband said that some friend of mine said unbelievable shit I would believe him and ask my friend if they are going through something out of concern, because it would be worrying if after 20 years they were behaving so out of character.
Had a friend who did this. Made up a very detailed past of relationships, talking about his excessive “hoe-phases” and even cried about having been in abusive relationships.
Suddenly one night he got laid and completely changed his tune and admitted to me that everything of his past was a lie.
He was a Virgin the whole time. He claimed he didn't want to admit to it until he got laid for real… we're no longer friends cause it was just a fucked up level of commitment to lying for years.