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So i've been fucking this guy for like a year and i've pretty much fallen for him. He has always treated me well, with much patience, love and respect. The whole thing really felt like a relationship, the only thing missing was the title.
In the beginning he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship because of his abusive ex. Today he confessed that loves me and thinks i'm the best woman he knows and would like to be in a relationship with me, but he is not sexually attracted to me. The tl;dr is basically: in the beginning he was in it for the free pussy, (edit-this is me paraphrasing,he did not use the words free pussy) then he fell for my “personality”, so he thought the love he had for me would be enough and he would grow to love my body too, but he can't.
The thing i'm most upset about is that he waited so long to tell me that my weight bothered him. It never felt like an issue. He never put me down for it, it never came up. I always felt loved and accepted.
I am overweight. (167cm,95kg) I wish i was confident enough to be like “fuck him i'm perfect” but i'm also not the happiest about my current weight. He does not have some unrealistic expetations of me being a skinny model, he just wants me to be “healthier”
I'm not really sure what to do. Should i lose the weight and be with him? Is he an asshole, am i looking at this through rose colored glasses because of my love for him? Should i end it all?
Thanks in advance for the comments.
edit- I also don't think the problem is about him being ashamed of being seen with a fat girl. He does not hide me, i've met his friends and family, he is not afraid to be affectionate with me infront of them
He's probably still posting videos of you live! just on a different platform and under a different name. He wasn't honest with you about how many videos he shared live, why would he have been honest about anything else?
Inbow, his strong abandonment fear — as well as his anger issues — may be due to his having very weak control over his own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills he had no opportunity to acquire in childhood). My exW has this problem. If that is an issue for your BF, you likely have been seeing 3 other warning signs.
First, you would be seeing him rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein he tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because he also uses B-W thinking in judging HIMSELF, he would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in his mind, he is “all bad.” He thus would blame nearly all misfortunes and mistakes on you and view himself as “The Victim.”
Further, to validate his “victim” status, he would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend himself in the smallest, most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in his frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Second, you would not see him expressing his anger to casual friends, classmates, or total strangers. He usually gets along fine with them. Rather, his temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, his sibling, or his parents).
Third, you are convinced he truly loves you. But you often see him flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you), frequently making you feel like you're “walking on eggshells.” Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do.
Inbow, have you been seeing strong occurrences of these 3 red flags?
Going through the motions does not equate to caring. There are men who go through a month of dating to fuck a girl he does not give one shit about. Actions matching your words are what counts. It's pretty easy to say shit and not do anything just as easy to do stuff but say shit.
It's not ungrateful to not appreciate someone insulting your interest. He didn't merely say he didn't like the artist he went for an insult.
r/whenwomenrefuse would like a word.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
So i've been fucking this guy for like a year and i've pretty much fallen for him. He has always treated me well, with much patience, love and respect. The whole thing really felt like a relationship, the only thing missing was the title.
In the beginning he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship because of his abusive ex. Today he confessed that loves me and thinks i'm the best woman he knows and would like to be in a relationship with me, but he is not sexually attracted to me. The tl;dr is basically: in the beginning he was in it for the free pussy, (edit-this is me paraphrasing,he did not use the words free pussy) then he fell for my “personality”, so he thought the love he had for me would be enough and he would grow to love my body too, but he can't.
The thing i'm most upset about is that he waited so long to tell me that my weight bothered him. It never felt like an issue. He never put me down for it, it never came up. I always felt loved and accepted.
I am overweight. (167cm,95kg) I wish i was confident enough to be like “fuck him i'm perfect” but i'm also not the happiest about my current weight. He does not have some unrealistic expetations of me being a skinny model, he just wants me to be “healthier”
I'm not really sure what to do. Should i lose the weight and be with him? Is he an asshole, am i looking at this through rose colored glasses because of my love for him? Should i end it all?
Thanks in advance for the comments.
edit- I also don't think the problem is about him being ashamed of being seen with a fat girl. He does not hide me, i've met his friends and family, he is not afraid to be affectionate with me infront of them
thank you for the helpful perspective. i’m afraid you’re right and I will have to take action. it will be with great hesitation though.
Do you also feed him with a little spoon while making aeroplane noises?
This sounds exhausting.
I'm very private, so I don't have any social media.
You're the side piece.
He's probably still posting videos of you live! just on a different platform and under a different name. He wasn't honest with you about how many videos he shared live, why would he have been honest about anything else?
Yes the age gap is too much. Do not go on vacation with him, you have lots of life to online.
Inbow, his strong abandonment fear — as well as his anger issues — may be due to his having very weak control over his own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills he had no opportunity to acquire in childhood). My exW has this problem. If that is an issue for your BF, you likely have been seeing 3 other warning signs.
First, you would be seeing him rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein he tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because he also uses B-W thinking in judging HIMSELF, he would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in his mind, he is “all bad.” He thus would blame nearly all misfortunes and mistakes on you and view himself as “The Victim.”
Further, to validate his “victim” status, he would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend himself in the smallest, most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in his frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Second, you would not see him expressing his anger to casual friends, classmates, or total strangers. He usually gets along fine with them. Rather, his temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, his sibling, or his parents).
Third, you are convinced he truly loves you. But you often see him flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you), frequently making you feel like you're “walking on eggshells.” Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do.
Inbow, have you been seeing strong occurrences of these 3 red flags?
Hug him.
And try to make it a common thing for both of you to go through job opportunities together.
Look at WHY he had been fired. (Such as to help him to not running into that same thing again, if it can be prevented).
Tell him… regards from me…. the reason why one gets fired is really seldom oneself!
But a random idea in the other persons head/ a financial issue the dismissed person knows nothing of.
Yes let him know. He deserves better
Going through the motions does not equate to caring. There are men who go through a month of dating to fuck a girl he does not give one shit about. Actions matching your words are what counts. It's pretty easy to say shit and not do anything just as easy to do stuff but say shit.
It's not ungrateful to not appreciate someone insulting your interest. He didn't merely say he didn't like the artist he went for an insult.