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janamiller1 chat
Date: April 6, 2023
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You're in the wrong for trying to be controlling. This isn't a healthy relationship. You need to change or leave.
thank you, that helps. i guess the part that really sucks is how he was saying all these nice things about be and literally promising me he would be back, like that just really fucks with me. it’s the getting so close with me, and then pulling away when things get taken up a notch that hurts. i thought he knew i would have waited for him to be comfortable, and that i would have done anything to make it work, but i guess that wasn’t enough for him to want to stay.
it just really hurts to be separated from someone who you really saw it working with, and someone who gave you all this reassurance that it would, and the fact that it didn’t seem like a natural fizzle is so tough on me. i wish i could say something to change his mind, but i know that i probably won’t. you are right in the fact that i want answers, and i know that i may never get them. it just helps to vent i guess, and to see other inputs that could help me feel less upset about the whole thing…
Like others here, I find it stunning that a therapist would suggest you “let them in” especially when I am sure you have given all the social cues that you are not healed from what they did, they never once apologized (only scolded and tried to shame you for not calling your dads wife mom), nor mentioned any interest in this. The therapist seems to e deaf and not well versed at reading the room. Time for a new one?
In regards to your father and his wife. It seems that the heart of the problem is in several layers. 1. Him bringing her into your life so fast. 2. The two of them taking liberties of erasing the existence of your dear mom from the home. 3. The constant demands, brow beating, and forceful nature of trying to push you into calling this woman your mom or even thinking of her as one. The two of them come across as emotionally and empathetically tone deaf. No decent person would have gone about things this way. And if she wanted to be your mother so badly, she should have actually acted like one rather than worry about the label. In acting like one, she would have prioritized your needs and feelings over everything, including making sure you had memories of mom, and listen to your fond stories. Not just that but a whole lot more. These two dingbats never once gave you much of a chance to develop a bond organically. Now they get to lie in bed with that mess. They did all that, not you. You do not have to forgive them to heal or be at peace. It might be therapeutic for you to write them a letter about your issues with them even if you never send the letter. I am glad you have a very good supportive wife to be by your side during all of this.