It's not wise, it's toxic to keep him in your life. I know you had good times, but 2021 showed you who he was in hot times – you need a partner who works with you when shit gets tough not make you the enemy. And in the after effects of your relationship he's still showing you that he's manipulative.
The only piece of advice I can give you is to stop looking for someone who loves you like he did, it's not realistic. Not to say you won't be loved deeply and truly. Just expecting the same kind of love from someone different is setting yourself to think that no one is stacking up. Be open to new love, healthy love. And self love is so critical. When you focus on loving yourself you stop being desperate and falling into shitty old habits. Love yourself first.
It's not unheard of to be invited over for dinner by a boss. In some company cultures, it's just a way to hobknob, play the political game, and climb the ladder. So, the invite, in and of itself, isn't out of the ordinary. This does take into account, however, that you are married, the boss is married, and the dinner includes your spouse. Going to dinner at a single bosses house when you're single isn't a normal thing.
Where this goes off the rails is…
“and that I was cute and look great etc.”
This is inappropriate.
“was it nice seeing me today in the office? How does next week sounds?”
This is creepy.
– How do I make that clear that I'm only interested in job/friend interaction?
First, is this company large enough to have an HR department? If so, keep that in the back of your mind. You may need to use it.
Second, you politely decline any suggestion to meet anywhere other than his office.
Third, do NOT delete texts. IF you need to make a complaint at HR, they are evidence. Even if you make the complaint, do not delete. IF you somehow get fired and you believe it's retribution and not a valid work-related reason, and think a lawsuit is valid, your lawyer will want them.
Fourth, If the texts continue to be inappropriate and creepy, you simply reply that his texts/behavior is inappropriate. That's it.
Fifth, if they still continue, you may need to make a complaint with HR if you have one. If you don't have an HR department, find out who that person's boss is, contact them/their secretary, and set up an appointment where you can go in to their office, present the texts, and voice your concerns over the behavior.
For most people, the defining feature is a lack of emotional commitment. I think a lot of people seek fuck buddy arrangements to have a regular sexual partner without working as nude at the relationship. Personally, I feel that degrades the value of friendship and I feel like if you're calling someone your friend you should act like a friend to them. But oddly enough the 20-year-olds entering these arrangements don't seem to like to hear about any downsides…
Yep. She is wondering what is wrong with her that he didn't want to marry her after 9 years together, yet he's been with his fiancee for less than a year, they are already engaged and getting married soon.
I will never understand men who do this. They know they don't want to marry the woman they are with. They string her along for years instead of breaking up with her. It's so wrong and very hurtful.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
If this is the case (& I am not denying that it could be–I was sexually abused as a child), this guy should not be having sex at this stage in his healing. Unresolved trauma that causes you to abuse your partner? That's a naked pass. The cycle of abuse needs to be broken.
I been trying hard to just distract myself. And already been working on making new plans for the summer with my family and other friends.
I been taking these last three days as reflection time and going through everything in this relationship. So hopefully a bit more time and I’ll be ready with whatever decision I come to.
Thank you again for your kind words I’ll keep them close to my heart.
She could have offered to do drinks or appetizers. Not the entire dinner. I don’t blame you because that was all on her for trying to flex with her so called friends. They shouldn’t have even allowed her to pay that much. I doubt their contribution to the night was that much.
Lying and acting shady isn’t okay and it’s perfectly reasonable for this to be an issue for you but nothing you said reflects on your safety…saying you feel unsafe around him, that wording has a VERY specific connotation and people will immediately think he’s physically abusive
It’s not unreasonable if you end the relationship if that’s what you want to do
How old are you guys and how long have you been together?
Part of modern society is that you might need that skill someday. So will your kids.
I am from a well off family and I was taught to cook as a teen. Think about it. You are less capable than a 14 go.
It's not wise, it's toxic to keep him in your life. I know you had good times, but 2021 showed you who he was in hot times – you need a partner who works with you when shit gets tough not make you the enemy. And in the after effects of your relationship he's still showing you that he's manipulative.
The only piece of advice I can give you is to stop looking for someone who loves you like he did, it's not realistic. Not to say you won't be loved deeply and truly. Just expecting the same kind of love from someone different is setting yourself to think that no one is stacking up. Be open to new love, healthy love. And self love is so critical. When you focus on loving yourself you stop being desperate and falling into shitty old habits. Love yourself first.
Well, there are a few things to unpack here…
It's not unheard of to be invited over for dinner by a boss. In some company cultures, it's just a way to hobknob, play the political game, and climb the ladder. So, the invite, in and of itself, isn't out of the ordinary. This does take into account, however, that you are married, the boss is married, and the dinner includes your spouse. Going to dinner at a single bosses house when you're single isn't a normal thing.
Where this goes off the rails is…
“and that I was cute and look great etc.”
This is inappropriate.
“was it nice seeing me today in the office? How does next week sounds?”
This is creepy.
– How do I make that clear that I'm only interested in job/friend interaction?
First, is this company large enough to have an HR department? If so, keep that in the back of your mind. You may need to use it.
Second, you politely decline any suggestion to meet anywhere other than his office.
Third, do NOT delete texts. IF you need to make a complaint at HR, they are evidence. Even if you make the complaint, do not delete. IF you somehow get fired and you believe it's retribution and not a valid work-related reason, and think a lawsuit is valid, your lawyer will want them.
Fourth, If the texts continue to be inappropriate and creepy, you simply reply that his texts/behavior is inappropriate. That's it.
Fifth, if they still continue, you may need to make a complaint with HR if you have one. If you don't have an HR department, find out who that person's boss is, contact them/their secretary, and set up an appointment where you can go in to their office, present the texts, and voice your concerns over the behavior.
The age difference is starting to show. He doesn’t view you as an equal partner.
For most people, the defining feature is a lack of emotional commitment. I think a lot of people seek fuck buddy arrangements to have a regular sexual partner without working as nude at the relationship. Personally, I feel that degrades the value of friendship and I feel like if you're calling someone your friend you should act like a friend to them. But oddly enough the 20-year-olds entering these arrangements don't seem to like to hear about any downsides…
That requires school and you seem to doubt he wants to go. You said that yourself in comments. I would suggest there are better options than this.
He needs a kick in the ass, IMO.
Good luck to you
Yep. She is wondering what is wrong with her that he didn't want to marry her after 9 years together, yet he's been with his fiancee for less than a year, they are already engaged and getting married soon.
I will never understand men who do this. They know they don't want to marry the woman they are with. They string her along for years instead of breaking up with her. It's so wrong and very hurtful.
Well, stop getting mad when he goes out. Start doing your share of cooking, shopping, laundry and everything else. That will be a good start.
Matthew 7:3-5
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
My favorite verses for condescending Christians
If this is the case (& I am not denying that it could be–I was sexually abused as a child), this guy should not be having sex at this stage in his healing. Unresolved trauma that causes you to abuse your partner? That's a naked pass. The cycle of abuse needs to be broken.
Thank you T.T
I been trying hard to just distract myself. And already been working on making new plans for the summer with my family and other friends.
I been taking these last three days as reflection time and going through everything in this relationship. So hopefully a bit more time and I’ll be ready with whatever decision I come to.
Thank you again for your kind words I’ll keep them close to my heart.
I’m so sorry this happened. You need to move on from this person. There’s no coming back from this kind of assault.
? Why
She could have offered to do drinks or appetizers. Not the entire dinner. I don’t blame you because that was all on her for trying to flex with her so called friends. They shouldn’t have even allowed her to pay that much. I doubt their contribution to the night was that much.
Lying and acting shady isn’t okay and it’s perfectly reasonable for this to be an issue for you but nothing you said reflects on your safety…saying you feel unsafe around him, that wording has a VERY specific connotation and people will immediately think he’s physically abusive
It’s not unreasonable if you end the relationship if that’s what you want to do