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Elise, 25 y.o.
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Date: March 28, 2023
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It’s not a good idea. To back up, people are often fast and loose with their use of the term “grooming,” but if this isn’t officially included within the definition, it’s as close as one can get without it being so.
You’ll obviously have to confirm ages, but I’ll assume the two of you met at 17 and 24, and that’s within the context of student and teacher which is very much important to note. You never spoke then, but started to late into your senior year.
You say those conversations were limited to what I’d consider pretty standard and appropriate topics. But then you started emailing everyday, and what’s especially notable is you hadn’t graduated yet. I can’t logically find a situation where that would be appropriate. Even if the conversations were “innocent” (in quotes bc we don’t know), it’s still questionable for him to be doing it.
This is obviously nothing but pure conjecture since we don’t have much information, but to me, this is where it starts to suggest that he’s towing the line. He’s attracted to you, knows he can’t act on it, but maintains an inappropriate level of conversation (in terms of frequency), because he’s enjoying the attention but hasn’t technically done anything wrong. It’s important to note here that this is where your assumption about him starts to crack. In saying that, I know want to back up and be clear that I’m sorry for coming off as mean or judgmental; it’s truly not my intent. We only know what we know at the age we’re at. But the reality is you’re young and inexperienced, and your feelings for him are blinding your judgement about how big a deal this is and how he’s not as good a person as you think he is.
But we’re only scratching the surface there. You told him how you feel. He told you he was hesitant. You know what a good person would have done? Cut it off. But he didn’t. Why? Because he’s enjoying it. He’s playing it safe though. It’s honestly not all that difficult. To back up, I’m not going to sit here and suggest he’s crazy to be attracted to you out of context; a 25 year old finds an 18 year old hot. Not exactly breaking barriers nor would I say in and of itself makes him or anyone else a creep strictly speaking to acknowledging attracting.
To come back, bringing things back into context, his only response should have been nothing more than “listen, I’m flattered, and there’s nothing to feel bad about. But this is inappropriate, and whether it’s legal or not, this just can’t continue. I wish you all the best.”
Instead, standoffish as he played, he kept engaging with you for nearly another year. That’s someone who’s a little standoffish? No, that’s someone who’s holding a kid (I know you don’t want to hear that word, but you need to understand that from his perspective, that’s how he sees you) on by a string, enjoying the attention, and will escalate if nothing else in his life materializes.
It then recently got sexual. Who initiated? You didn’t say. Either way, we know where it went. It’s at this point where it becomes a real problem in terms of my advice to you. Because at the end of the day, you’re a legally consenting adult. If you want to sext a guy, fine. If you two even physically engaged, fine. But this escalation in sexual tension and discussion has brought you back to your romantic feelings, as in, you want something real with him. You see him as someone who’s potentially the one for you.
It’s those feelings that end with you getting taken advantage of (and I don’t mean sex) and getting seriously hurt. I already said it’s a bad idea. But I think your debate here is considering the wrong results, because I’m certain you’re comparing three scenarios; 1) say nothing and continue as is, which isn’t good. You’re building up a fantasy as this happens and not living your life. 2) say something, and he tells you he doesn’t feel the same or it can’t happen. This is where you’re afraid to hear this reality, so you think avoiding it is better. Why? Would it really be better to maintain the fantasy, but not actually be in a relationship while you avoid living your life?
Or 3) say something and he tells you he feels the same and the two of you actually pursue a relationship. That’s my biggest concern. Because you need to ask yourself how that logically works. How do you tell people about your relationship? Then, you two are in monumentally different life stages. What does a 26 year old logically have in common with a 19 year old? What’s your next life step? College? He’s obviously past that and settling into his career. How does that work?
To wrap it up, you say he doesn’t seem like type of person to take advantage. You know who says that entering into similar situations; just about everyone. He’s 26 and pursuing a 19 year old. This same person was said 19 year old’s teacher. Not the type of person to take advantage? He already is. Like I already said, a mature adult in his situation would have cut this off long ago. Good luck.
I can't come to terms that she has done this to me.
I don't want this to negatively effect our relationship
Not for nothing but the fact you're posting this shows that without question this is negatively affecting your relationship.
Either:
1) you do a year lease you can't afford and are, basically, fucked while she enjoys a year with her friend. Resentment: you
2) she breaks that lease and goes with you. Resentment: Her
She didn't want to disappoint you? Why wasn't she on the lease if you can't afford it without her? Assuming she knew that… what did she think was going to happen?
Seems like a lack of communication, not putting you at the front of your relationship, immaturity, desire to fuck you over (I doubt its this but, who knows?) or any number of options…
at the end? you don't want it to negatively affect you? Its a bit late for that.
Too late to recover? Not necessarily… but that depends on if you can get a roommate to cover half (your friends? craigslist?). Or if you can just pay the early termination fee. or get the landlord to find someone else to rent.
If you're stuck for a year with this? that's a lot of baggage and that's not a good sign of things to come.
Why are you trying to fix her? It doesn't sound like you like her for who she is. You want her to do The things you enjoy not the things she enjoys you seem to think she should be more like you and have the same drive that you have and people don't work like that. I don't think I'd want to talk to you either about my problems since you see more focused on solutions then listening and being supportive. I'm surprised she still wants to be with you not that she doesn't love you yet.
I'd say try to work towards finding a solution to your sexual incompatibility. There are many ways to have sex and there ought to be some that work for both of you. Perhaps there is some kind of couples therapist who can help you with this. If you truly find yourself against an impassible wall then you can consider breaking up.