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Date: April 8, 2023
I am going to level with you and you're not going to like to hear it.
But you're treating this connection like its a relationship…
You say its FWB, that is all it is… yet you're adding all the bells and whistles to it.
She's right…
Once someone catches feelings, you should put a full stop to everything that could be triggering those feelings:
In her worry that I’d stay interested she decided it best to temporarily remove not only sex, but pretty much all physical affection.
Instead of saying:
You're right, I am getting carried away. Lets do that.
You go:
That won't be necessary, please keep the things I love about this active.
The confirmation is here:
The issue I’m finding myself in is that when we were talking about the lack of physical affection and how much I disliked it.
What entitlement do you have for the lack of affection? She is not your GF. You are not her BF. You're not exactly obligated to that side of her if you're strictly FWB.
You're treading a fine line… slowly manifesting a full on romantic relationship with her in your head.
You don't need to demonstrate this:
show her how much I value our friendship
Friends don't really go to those lengths… You're coming off as desperate, trying to win her approval and protect your feelings.
Sorry man, but from an outside perspective, it seems like you're treating this like a full on relationship, when that is not the reality.
So much about this is not really your concern. You're easy going friends and fuck buddies… Not emotionally dependants.
You are probably right. Sometimes I just want to be the one that comes home to a nice meal without having to do damage control or most of the effort. Love him to death, but he has a hard time with everyday tasks. I think it was just one of those perfect storm frustrating moments. I didn’t say anything mean to him, but he was sad I seemed disappointed. No biggie, we talked about it.
Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but at this point, I think you know you can’t continue this relationship. He didn’t just emotionally cheat on you, he physically cheated too, and only told you about it when he got caught. You will probably never be able to have a healthy relationship with this person, and I think it’s in your best interest to move on and find someone who will devote themselves to you and not make you feel like second choice. It’s naked to see when you’re in it, but you do deserve better than this, I promise.
But how the hell am I supposed to make “I'm not physically attracted to you because of your weight and actually am even repulsed by the smell of your pussy” in to something that isn't extremely hurtful?
You can't. Lie.
I just wanna bring an alternate perspective here: there is the option of talking to your wife about opening up the marriage and exploring things with other people, i.e. a poly relationship. You can't control who you have feelings for, and I find the posts saying “just get over it, you're being a shitty person and you should shove deep down any romantic feelings you ever have for anyone in your life other than your wife” to be unhelpful and not reflective of reality.
I agree that if you want to de-escalate, it is best to add some distance, and like many crushes, it will likely just fade over time. You'll know when you'll be able to just be friends with this person again. I don't think adding this distance means losing them for good. I am friends with many people I once had huge crushes on.
But I'm just saying, if a year or so goes by after you've taken those steps and it doesn't change, or grows stronger, then maybe you're learning that you have more love to give, and you may want to consider where a poly relationship is right for you and your wife and this person and their husband. It's probably a long shot, and it would be a difficult conversation, but you shouldn't automatically assume she won't be open to the idea. If you do bring it up, definitely be gentle, and bring it up in the abstract first, def don't just jump into “yea i have feelings for this coworker”.
I would let him know that his behavior is childish and irresponsible. Let him know how his behavior has changed the way you see him. Give him a chance, at least to straighten himself out.
Did you discuss the possibility of open relationship? Me and wife are both bi curious. We had discussions at length about opening our marriage and shared what both of us wanted to explore. Partner can always say no but this way, you don’t cheat or worse breakup.
Never been with a man but I may understand your bi curiosity here. We are in same boat 😉
I'm sorry but that visual has me reeling XD
I don’t think there’s anything you can do other than wait and see. This seems to be based on how you think your MIL will behave, opposed to how she’s behaving.
If that’s how she behaves, you need to sit down and talk to your partner about boundaries with her mum and see what happens from there.
I would absolutely draw a boundary on her bossing you both around too.