Have… a laugh? What's funny about a dream about you fucking your ex? I don't think you somehow did anything wrong by HAVING the dream, but telling your BF about a sex dream you had about an ex you see frequently is… about the least tactful thing I can think of.
I dont want to end it but she is putting zero effort into meeting the agreements we made when we got together. It feels like she is leveraging the idea I wouldnt leave her for this as an excuse to not put the work in.
The sooner you accept that this friendship is over the better. Simply tell him you can’t be friends anymore because of your feelings, and then create distance to never see him again. Sounds impossible but in ten years you’ll barely remember why you felt so strongly for this dude.
Look, it’s understandable that you’ve fallen for “I’m just being honest” because it’s a popular cultural belief in the UK that that’s a good thing; every tv show has the “honest” person who says nasty or shocking things but ha ha that’s just Bob being Bob, you know how he is! – but the fact is that in reality, these people are usually just assholes.
The key questions to ask to determine if someone is a genuinely honest person, rather than merely someone who enjoys getting away with rudeness and taking their feelings out on others:
Do they do the “just being honest!!” act in all situations, or just to their intimate partner? Does he make cruel, rude and unwelcome remarks to his parents? Or more importantly to his boss, or other people who could discipline him in a way that would affect his life when he offended them? If he only speaks “honestly” – rudely – to people he supposedly cares for while behaving better to strangers and those with power over him, that is a warning sign.
This may also establish whether he has a genuine difficulty understanding what is rude or if he is choosing to selectively “not understand” when it’s you he’s insulting. People who can’t tell the difference struggle to tell the difference in all areas of life, to all people, and have a history of make inappropriate comments that lose them jobs, work opportunities, friendships, and other things they value. They usually find this distressing and work very hot to understand it or seek therapy to help improve it. If he gets along fine and doesn’t find learning he’s hurting you upsetting and stressful, then it’s not a generalised problem or an underlying condition, it’s literally just how he wants and chooses to treat you.
If someone is actually honest, then they are stating their true opinions whenever they give them. That doesn’t mean they force people to hear them when they know the opinion is unwelcome; that isn’t honesty, it’s bullying. It doesn’t mean they repeat the opinion when they know it caused harm; that isn’t honesty, it’s being deliberately hurtful. Honesty doesn’t require or excuse those behaviours.
More importantly, if someone is always giving their true opinion, and their comments are always negative, hurtful, rude, harmful and inappropriate, then what they’re saying is that who they honestly are inside, their true inner self, is… cruel, rude, negative and spiteful. Their honesty isn’t somehow a positive trait which cancels out that they are just a nasty human being. You can break up with them for being horrible all the time because being honest that they’re horrible doesn’t make them being horrible any better.
Ultimately, an acceptable response to “I’m just being honest!!” is “cool, your honest opinion is horrible and I don’t want to hear it, so stop”. Whether they then choose to stop or not is far more important than debating their honesty.
If he has a general social failure to understand then he can learn very basic rules easily and should be eager to do so. Try “from now on, I do not want to hear any negative comments or wishes for change about my body” and “from now on, I don’t want to hear any suggestions about my diet or fitness goals unless I specifically ask for them”. If he has a disorder which makes social skills hard these rules will be helpful to him and he will appreciate the clarity. If it doesn’t, it is also okay to say “this person’s symptoms are hurting me, they can’t or won’t control it, and it is harming my mental health; we are not compatible”.
If I were you I would jusy cut out her and the whole friend group, and there are a number of reasons for that.
For starters they, especially she, has shown you where their priorities lie, which is in self preservation and lying instead of being honest with you and prioritizing the friendship with you. These people cannot be trusted, and I cant keep watching my own back. Making new friends is far easier than reconciling old one.
Also, if this ex guy is integrated in your friend group, its not fair to your bf to ask him to be around ex, so you'd have to cut thr group off anyways. Again, they didn't think about you and your new bf and didn't even ask you when integrating your ex into the group.
If you have bad feelings about her sexual assault you should talk to a counselor instead of regularly reminding her of something that is probably very distressing to her. It's entirely inappropriate.
Uhhhh you sound lovely and Annie sounds like she shouldn’t be anyone’s therapist…
Seriously, this is not what love bombing is. Love bombing is about overwhelming your partner early on (or after a fight) so that they feel almost overpowered by how “awesome and loving” you are and they either overlook red flags, move too quickly for their own comfort or forgive you for hurting them without you actually trying to change.
Love bombing is NOT paying close attention to the person you’re dating, caring about their needs and interests and coming up with thoughtful and sometimes unexpected ways to show their needs and feelings matter to you. Which is what you’ve been doing, and should continue doing. Though I WILL say that if you’re ever dating someone who expressly says they don’t like surprises, I hope you also take that into account and don’t spring things like this on them no matter how lovely they are.
Seriously if I had to guess, Annie has either had her own bad experiences with love bombing OR she’s only ever dated dudes who got her shit like a Walmart gift card for their anniversary, and she’s just salty hearing about how nice you are. But please don’t tone down your thoughtfulness just because of her.
M8 you can't fix a person if they don't want to get fixed. Stop wasting time, she most likely is only woth you because you are a safe bet. Anyway, good luck
Do you have a current partner, and do they have any issues with your ex?
Do you have any interest in rekindling a relationship with your ex?
If the answer to both questions is “no” then I think inviting her to sit with you would be the nice thing to do. Being lonely at a new job is rough and she would likely appreciate a familiar face extending an olive branch. Keep your conversations surface-level and work-related and I think you'll be fine.
So you don’t see yourself being with this jerk for long term (good!) move up to breaking up with him NOW. He is trying to babytrap you, don’t let him. You have your whole future ahead of you, don’t let this guy ruin it.
Some people are mentally and emotionally built very differently. It sounds like your bf is so sensitive to the process of watching someone dying that it gives him a lot of anxiety. I know for some it is less very hot than others to witness it, but I also know some people get so anxious that they get panic attacks from watching the same thing. So I think it is fair for you to upset, but I also think it is also fair for him to feel scared and anxious and not want to go. It just means a difference in you two mentally and emotionally and it is not right or wrong. It is just a difference that you can find as an incompatibility or accept it without being bothered by it. I also agree that I would want someone like a partner to come, but I also know not everyone is capable of handling it so I can't force it and make them get mentally and emotionally distressed. This has more to do with him as a person than a bf.
After 4 years if she doesn't love and trust you enough, she will never be ready. You don't have a girlfriend, you have a roommate. I am amazed at the wild disrespect she is showing you by not having any explanation other than a pregnancy fear. You are wasting your prime years on a frigid woman. What do you want in life? Do you want a wife and children? Are you prepared to sacrifice the things you want in life for a partner that won't love you back?
Yeah, this is so odd to me. So, she tells you that she loves you before your first date, then fucks some random stranger right after telling you that and yet doesn't engage in intimacy with you, her monogamous partner that she “loves” until after 3 weeks? Bruh. Her idea of love doesnt contain respect or commitment, when she says she loves you, she probably means “hey, you're pretty cool and I like stuff about you and so I'm going to say this heavy thing to lock you in so you don't look elsewhere”
I just send her a massage as to why she wants to continue this relationships and she replied saying that she enjoys us but she feels pressured to feel more. Idk what to think at this point I’m exhausted because it’s been 2 years and that’s her state of mind that she feels exhausted to feel more
UpdateMe!
Career over love. Secure your future first.
Have… a laugh? What's funny about a dream about you fucking your ex? I don't think you somehow did anything wrong by HAVING the dream, but telling your BF about a sex dream you had about an ex you see frequently is… about the least tactful thing I can think of.
He is being emotionally abusive and it is likely to get worse, not better. I think you should find a new boyfriend who won't make you cry.
I dont want to end it but she is putting zero effort into meeting the agreements we made when we got together. It feels like she is leveraging the idea I wouldnt leave her for this as an excuse to not put the work in.
The sooner you accept that this friendship is over the better. Simply tell him you can’t be friends anymore because of your feelings, and then create distance to never see him again. Sounds impossible but in ten years you’ll barely remember why you felt so strongly for this dude.
Get your own account and see if you match with her. Good luck
Honestly you kind of need to “break up” with her.
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Sounds like a fiction by a Trans.
Look, it’s understandable that you’ve fallen for “I’m just being honest” because it’s a popular cultural belief in the UK that that’s a good thing; every tv show has the “honest” person who says nasty or shocking things but ha ha that’s just Bob being Bob, you know how he is! – but the fact is that in reality, these people are usually just assholes.
The key questions to ask to determine if someone is a genuinely honest person, rather than merely someone who enjoys getting away with rudeness and taking their feelings out on others:
Do they do the “just being honest!!” act in all situations, or just to their intimate partner? Does he make cruel, rude and unwelcome remarks to his parents? Or more importantly to his boss, or other people who could discipline him in a way that would affect his life when he offended them? If he only speaks “honestly” – rudely – to people he supposedly cares for while behaving better to strangers and those with power over him, that is a warning sign.
This may also establish whether he has a genuine difficulty understanding what is rude or if he is choosing to selectively “not understand” when it’s you he’s insulting. People who can’t tell the difference struggle to tell the difference in all areas of life, to all people, and have a history of make inappropriate comments that lose them jobs, work opportunities, friendships, and other things they value. They usually find this distressing and work very hot to understand it or seek therapy to help improve it. If he gets along fine and doesn’t find learning he’s hurting you upsetting and stressful, then it’s not a generalised problem or an underlying condition, it’s literally just how he wants and chooses to treat you.
If someone is actually honest, then they are stating their true opinions whenever they give them. That doesn’t mean they force people to hear them when they know the opinion is unwelcome; that isn’t honesty, it’s bullying. It doesn’t mean they repeat the opinion when they know it caused harm; that isn’t honesty, it’s being deliberately hurtful. Honesty doesn’t require or excuse those behaviours.
More importantly, if someone is always giving their true opinion, and their comments are always negative, hurtful, rude, harmful and inappropriate, then what they’re saying is that who they honestly are inside, their true inner self, is… cruel, rude, negative and spiteful. Their honesty isn’t somehow a positive trait which cancels out that they are just a nasty human being. You can break up with them for being horrible all the time because being honest that they’re horrible doesn’t make them being horrible any better.
Ultimately, an acceptable response to “I’m just being honest!!” is “cool, your honest opinion is horrible and I don’t want to hear it, so stop”. Whether they then choose to stop or not is far more important than debating their honesty.
If he has a general social failure to understand then he can learn very basic rules easily and should be eager to do so. Try “from now on, I do not want to hear any negative comments or wishes for change about my body” and “from now on, I don’t want to hear any suggestions about my diet or fitness goals unless I specifically ask for them”. If he has a disorder which makes social skills hard these rules will be helpful to him and he will appreciate the clarity. If it doesn’t, it is also okay to say “this person’s symptoms are hurting me, they can’t or won’t control it, and it is harming my mental health; we are not compatible”.
If I were you I would jusy cut out her and the whole friend group, and there are a number of reasons for that.
For starters they, especially she, has shown you where their priorities lie, which is in self preservation and lying instead of being honest with you and prioritizing the friendship with you. These people cannot be trusted, and I cant keep watching my own back. Making new friends is far easier than reconciling old one.
Also, if this ex guy is integrated in your friend group, its not fair to your bf to ask him to be around ex, so you'd have to cut thr group off anyways. Again, they didn't think about you and your new bf and didn't even ask you when integrating your ex into the group.
If you have bad feelings about her sexual assault you should talk to a counselor instead of regularly reminding her of something that is probably very distressing to her. It's entirely inappropriate.
Uhhhh you sound lovely and Annie sounds like she shouldn’t be anyone’s therapist…
Seriously, this is not what love bombing is. Love bombing is about overwhelming your partner early on (or after a fight) so that they feel almost overpowered by how “awesome and loving” you are and they either overlook red flags, move too quickly for their own comfort or forgive you for hurting them without you actually trying to change.
Love bombing is NOT paying close attention to the person you’re dating, caring about their needs and interests and coming up with thoughtful and sometimes unexpected ways to show their needs and feelings matter to you. Which is what you’ve been doing, and should continue doing. Though I WILL say that if you’re ever dating someone who expressly says they don’t like surprises, I hope you also take that into account and don’t spring things like this on them no matter how lovely they are.
Seriously if I had to guess, Annie has either had her own bad experiences with love bombing OR she’s only ever dated dudes who got her shit like a Walmart gift card for their anniversary, and she’s just salty hearing about how nice you are. But please don’t tone down your thoughtfulness just because of her.
M8 you can't fix a person if they don't want to get fixed. Stop wasting time, she most likely is only woth you because you are a safe bet. Anyway, good luck
Two questions:
Do you have a current partner, and do they have any issues with your ex?
Do you have any interest in rekindling a relationship with your ex?
If the answer to both questions is “no” then I think inviting her to sit with you would be the nice thing to do. Being lonely at a new job is rough and she would likely appreciate a familiar face extending an olive branch. Keep your conversations surface-level and work-related and I think you'll be fine.
Do you know what they call people who use the pull out method? Parents.
They like you just fine.
If you’re really insecure about it, ask them about it. They’ll probably be shocked to know you feel this way.
Nobody deletes text messages for space anymore
So you don’t see yourself being with this jerk for long term (good!) move up to breaking up with him NOW. He is trying to babytrap you, don’t let him. You have your whole future ahead of you, don’t let this guy ruin it.
This sounds sexual tbh and the fact you can’t even talk about what he’s saying shows me you are not mature enough to be engaging in these activities
Some people are mentally and emotionally built very differently. It sounds like your bf is so sensitive to the process of watching someone dying that it gives him a lot of anxiety. I know for some it is less very hot than others to witness it, but I also know some people get so anxious that they get panic attacks from watching the same thing. So I think it is fair for you to upset, but I also think it is also fair for him to feel scared and anxious and not want to go. It just means a difference in you two mentally and emotionally and it is not right or wrong. It is just a difference that you can find as an incompatibility or accept it without being bothered by it. I also agree that I would want someone like a partner to come, but I also know not everyone is capable of handling it so I can't force it and make them get mentally and emotionally distressed. This has more to do with him as a person than a bf.
Thanks everyone. Don’t know why Reddit isn’t showing me all your responses. Must be a glitch. Thanks for the advice
After 4 years if she doesn't love and trust you enough, she will never be ready. You don't have a girlfriend, you have a roommate. I am amazed at the wild disrespect she is showing you by not having any explanation other than a pregnancy fear. You are wasting your prime years on a frigid woman. What do you want in life? Do you want a wife and children? Are you prepared to sacrifice the things you want in life for a partner that won't love you back?
Yeah, this is so odd to me. So, she tells you that she loves you before your first date, then fucks some random stranger right after telling you that and yet doesn't engage in intimacy with you, her monogamous partner that she “loves” until after 3 weeks? Bruh. Her idea of love doesnt contain respect or commitment, when she says she loves you, she probably means “hey, you're pretty cool and I like stuff about you and so I'm going to say this heavy thing to lock you in so you don't look elsewhere”
I just send her a massage as to why she wants to continue this relationships and she replied saying that she enjoys us but she feels pressured to feel more. Idk what to think at this point I’m exhausted because it’s been 2 years and that’s her state of mind that she feels exhausted to feel more