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Hey Everyone,
So my wife 32F and I 34M have been together 18 years but have been arguing recently about the responsibilities within our marriage and we cant seem to agree.
I work full time and my wife is a stay at home mother. We have 2 children one is in school full time and the other goes to preschool 2 1/2 days a week.
Recently my wife has been sending me the stupid tiktoks that always say “Your wife is your partner, not your mom” and essentially boil down to men should help out round the house, help with the kids and pick up after themselves. A sentiment I generally agree with.
This usually comes with a side of “You don't value what I do, to look after the kids and plan everything etc”
Now to be clear, I am not against helping out round the house and helping get the kids to bed, and brush their teeth and cook meals. I do help with this stuff everyday.
I feel like all I do is work, because the second I finish work, I have kids to help with because she “Has had them all day”.
My position is, that she is right when she says kids are work and I can appreciate that after a day of being with them all day ,that she is probably tired of kids. But I have also been at work all day too and it isn't fair to expect me to be sole parent as soon as I'm finished.
Then there is the issue of housework. Our house is always a mess, which frustrates me when she complains about having to do all the “unpaid labor” of managing a household and looking after the kids. Because from my perspective I go to work in a messy house and I finish work in a messy house.( I work from home, go into my office for 8 hours, only coming out for the occasional coffee and snack) Which means that 90% of my mess is contained to a room only I go in. Most days while I'm at work she isn't even home.
I feel that I am holding up my end of the bargain by working full time and then helping with housework and the kids outside of that. But she isn't holding up her end of it by looking after the house and kids while i'm at work. I could understand that she wouldn't get as much done around the house on days when our youngest is home but on days where she is at preschool, she take it as an opportunity to “have a break” and go shopping with her mom or go visit a friend.
Whenever I bring this up or question how much effort she is putting in I get “you don't appreciate me” and “i'm not your mother”
I'm not saying she should be waiting on me hand and foot as my personal maid, cook and sexdoll (not that we ever have sex) because “I'm the man, bringing home the bacon.” and I really hope I don't come across that way in this post as that really not what i'm saying.
But I am killing myself trying to do everything, yet am being told i'm the problem for treating her like my mother, because i'm expecting her to do her part.
What can I do to help her see my side?
UPDATE: So a lot of people are saying we need to sit down and try to look at things as a team and I am totally on board for this approach and will let you know how it goes.
Also to a few people dislike my framing of “helping” as it's my responsibility also. I agree I used the term helping as thats the word she uses when saying I need to do more to “help” around the house.
Another lot of you either can't read or are refusing to believe that I actually parent my own children.
I wake them up in the morning. I make them breakfast everyday. I get them dressed everyday. I take them to school 2-3 days a week. I know their teachers, I know all their friends and their friends parents names. I know their doctors, I know their allergies (none thankfully). I bath them, I get their PJs on and read them the same god damn bed time story everynight for weeks. Because they dont want any of the other books we have, they want George the giant. I draw with them, I play games with them, I know their favourite disney princesses and favourite superheroes.
As for the household I do laundry, I load the dishwasher, I cook my own lunches and tidy up after myself. I iron, I fold and put away laundry, I pick up their toys and tidy their play room. I hoover at the weekend and take them to kids parties. I also do all the chores that my wife wont because “Im the man” Like taking out the bins, cleaning the car, mowing the grass, fixing anything that breaks.