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K, 99 y.o.
Location: South America
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Date: October 26, 2022
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Of course it’s eating you up. We are always going to focus on the events/people that are the focus of our biggest emotions. That you’re not over it, means you care, that’s good.
But you need to learn to argue in a healthy manner. To know what are healthy expectations and boundaries. Remember that you are trying to solve an issue, to make a decision together, rather than to win against them or for them to lose. Think debate or negotiation rather than argument if that helps you frame it better. Sometimes you might need to bring in a neutral party. And that’s also healthy.
Continue with therapy, maybe read about critical thinking and common fallacies.
I kind of agree. She didn’t mention any specifics regarding what she did/didn’t do, so I could only go by what she posted. I’m sure they both have their own things to work through, but at this point, neither needs to be with the other.
Sure, be upset, but whoa Nelly!! Be her friend!!! Could you imagine being in her position? She needs to find strength and courage to leave him. She's not making clear choices, and sounds like doing the best she can, and you're adding to this for her. I'll bet she's a hot mess inside right now! ☹️☹️☹️☹️ My heart hurts for her. It sounds so easy, leave him, but there so much more to this. Please educate yourself about dv and emotional abuse. If not you, I hope she finds a real friend who can help her see she deserves better – anyone would.
You start by seeing a therapist.
YOU. ARE. NOT. HIS. REHAB!!!
You deserve so much better. Trauma didn’t turn you into an abusive and cheating partner. He cannot use his past as an excuse for being an absolutely horrid human being.
Please get yourself out and into somewhere safe with someone you trust whose address your partner does not know. Cut all contact. Look into getting a new job so he can’t harass you there.
This is not healthy. This is not love. You are not his therapist.
So a staff member couldn't let you in? That's very weird.
Right? This isn’t Angola, this isn’t prison, it’s a relationship, & yes you kinda suck for calling your wife names. Simple as.
He may be dense. Some of us really need you to spell it out. I want it at this restaurant, these friends, and our family, and then tell him to figure it out. The surprise is gone, but you get a setting you deserve. Thank you for the compliment. They are only successful when you are willing to keep working and improving at it. I wish you the best and hopefully many happy years together.
Leaving aside the whole doing it with a friend business, have you and your wife discussed this beyond arranging it?
Ie, have you discussed the ‘rules of engagement’? Can you have sex with both women or does your wife expect you to only have sex with her? What are the limits? (Straight sex? Anal? BDSM – no idea what you guys are into but in essence does your regular bedroom play extend to the third person?). What happens if after you start you find yourself being more of a spectator with your wife and her bff getting it on. Will you be ok with that? Are you using protection? Going raw? Are STD’s a possible factor?
And more generally, is this a one-off or does your wife see this as becoming a regular occurrence? Is this her way of opening the marriage? Will she expect a reciprocal arrangement with you and another man?
These are all things you should’ve discussed prior to agreeing to this.
Frankly I agree that doing this is crazy and doing it with someone who she considers a friend is particularly crazy. But at the least I’d be telling her that you want to pause this until you’ve had a chance to talk about all the permutations and consequences. And if you decide to ignore all the advice and go through with it … I hope it’s as good an experience as you’re hoping. ?♂️
You absolutely can do no-contact. Don't sit with him. Don't acknowledge him. Block him on everything. The class will end eventually.
This man is either deliberately trying to hurt you or is completely disinterested in your feelings. Don't be his “friend”.
I’m so sorry, OP. Your bf is wrong and you are still an amazing altruistic person. To help others, you have to first help yourself. Your safety and welfare are your number one priority. You can exercise your altruism in other ways that don’t pose such a risk and that don’t don’t trigger your PTSD.
All other things aside, congratulations. That’s a huge accomplishment. Keep it up!