The key is to try and use her language so she feels loved, and she should do the same for you. Over time, it gets easier to do, and you start to notice each others’ gestures more.
If someone's spouse has a long history of being honest, then you can probably trust what they say
I also said if they don't have a long history of being honest, then it makes sense not to trust them
OP's post does not offer a lot of clarity on whether or not she has a “long history” of these things. He said there have been issues before. I don't think any of us know exactly what that means, especially since he said he thinks she's a good person, too
There is a bit of balance that you also need to bring into play as well and as someone who may of been betrayed, the best advice is to play it as cool as you can. Be calm and collected should be a badge you wear on your detectives hat. Try not to take things at face value as often there are plausible reasons for things that can be read either way.
Case in point is the shaving. If she was expected to dress up then a bit of personal grooming may not be that extraordinary.
The now crotchless undies are a difficult thing to explain though, but equally nude to explain is their careless disposal under the bed (why not just take them and toss them out before she got home for example). They may of fallen there by mistake but the dog eating them is a very strange excuse.
If you are going on detective mode then the best way to approach this is to look at the normal interactions you have with a more critical eye, but without appearing to do so. Once she gets wind that you are closely looking at her she can and will change the way she does things and sometimes even that is a give away as it just leads to exaggerated behaviour on her part – being hyper affectionate for example.
One thing though to always bear in mind is that if you suddenly find yourself in the role of playing “marriage cop” that this could be surest sign there is that what you had is now on it's downward slide.
And if that is the case, it may be best to just sit her down and ask her straight out “are you happy and do you want this marriage to continue?”. Her reaction will often tell you all you need to know.
I truly feel safe and loved and secure in the way that he will never cheat on me, he loves my dogs and cats as if they were his own, and always listens to me when I'm venting about my day or sad about anything.
However, once it turns to something that I want to talk about with him about how he/we should maybe take stock and do something differently, he shuts down.
You’re both stupid. Wear a condom. No excuses.
I agree with you completely. Took me too long to figure them all out. I don't use them myself.
Rando shows up, keep the door locked if he doesn't leave call the cops.
More than ten years ago, I had a coworker die unexpectedly. It still bothers me and makes me sad.
Another of my coworkers killed himself last year. I bet ten years from now when I think of his death, it will still make me sad.
The key is to try and use her language so she feels loved, and she should do the same for you. Over time, it gets easier to do, and you start to notice each others’ gestures more.
I said “if”.
If someone's spouse has a long history of being honest, then you can probably trust what they say
I also said if they don't have a long history of being honest, then it makes sense not to trust them
OP's post does not offer a lot of clarity on whether or not she has a “long history” of these things. He said there have been issues before. I don't think any of us know exactly what that means, especially since he said he thinks she's a good person, too
There is a bit of balance that you also need to bring into play as well and as someone who may of been betrayed, the best advice is to play it as cool as you can. Be calm and collected should be a badge you wear on your detectives hat. Try not to take things at face value as often there are plausible reasons for things that can be read either way.
Case in point is the shaving. If she was expected to dress up then a bit of personal grooming may not be that extraordinary.
The now crotchless undies are a difficult thing to explain though, but equally nude to explain is their careless disposal under the bed (why not just take them and toss them out before she got home for example). They may of fallen there by mistake but the dog eating them is a very strange excuse.
If you are going on detective mode then the best way to approach this is to look at the normal interactions you have with a more critical eye, but without appearing to do so. Once she gets wind that you are closely looking at her she can and will change the way she does things and sometimes even that is a give away as it just leads to exaggerated behaviour on her part – being hyper affectionate for example.
One thing though to always bear in mind is that if you suddenly find yourself in the role of playing “marriage cop” that this could be surest sign there is that what you had is now on it's downward slide.
And if that is the case, it may be best to just sit her down and ask her straight out “are you happy and do you want this marriage to continue?”. Her reaction will often tell you all you need to know.
Can you share a link to something similar?
You address it by leaving this relationship.
This type of behavior from him only escalates.
While, working and outings are different it doesn't give him the right to dictate to you .
You feel it's toxic and manipulative because it is. It's deeply troubling and sounds a lot like he's trying to isolate you.
I'd also be thinking he's projecting and wonder what else he's up too.
There may be something like “Stockholm Syndrome”…. the victim getting physical signals by her own body as if she/ he were in live with the abuser.
This is a protective reaction of the body to survive a bit longer.
Also she may have been brainwashed, thinking that wasn't all to bad.
Tell the mother, that he still has access to her. And that if she ever wants to get through to her daughter again, the access must be cut.
I truly feel safe and loved and secure in the way that he will never cheat on me, he loves my dogs and cats as if they were his own, and always listens to me when I'm venting about my day or sad about anything.
However, once it turns to something that I want to talk about with him about how he/we should maybe take stock and do something differently, he shuts down.