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LAWLESS777, 28 y.o.
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Date: December 15, 2022
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This sadly is the case
You have some huge insecurity issues that are causing you to be extremely needy, clingy, and self-conscious. You smother her and constantly require reassurance of her affection. That is going to continue to push her away. You need to get that resolved.
Girls don't like guys that are so “easy”. You should not be falling in love right when you meet a girl and wanting to spend all of your time with her. That is not a “love language” that she needs to adapt to… it's your insecurities. Until you get your confidence up to par you are going to continue having these issues with any girl you date.
I think the reason she can’t move on is her self-esteem hinged on her believing he wasn’t interested in her more beautiful friend. A core part of her identity is “he wanted me and not her”. Even if he didn’t send that text, I think it wouldn’t change how she feels now.
I don’t think she ever truly resolved her “beautiful friend syndrome”. It all hinges on her belief that her husband wasn’t interested in her more conventionally attractive friend.
Now that she knows he actually was attracted to her — her self esteem is ruined. That’s why she’s not that upset at her friend, and doesn’t want to acknowledge the obvious manipulative behavior of her friend. Her friend only showed her partial text messages before the wedding. Her friend initiated the conversation and goaded him into reminiscing about his initial desire to ask her out. She’s been internally lording that over OP for years, and after the dissolve of her own marriage she planned to ruin another one.
OP needs to move past this. Her husband fucked up by sending that text. But its also taken out of context, and OP seems mostly upset at her husband not because of the text, but because he initially found her friend more attractive than her and that he did ask her out.
She’s been telling herself for years that she must have imagined his initial interest in her friend, and again that points to her husband being the sole source of her self-esteem.
Because these insecurities were never dealt with — only soothed with the perception that he didn’t desire her friend — now that the truth has been revealed she has nowhere to go. She can’t go back in time and make him not interested in her friend first. Just knowing that he was attracted to her has destroyed her entire self-image.
I agree she should pursue alternative therapies and really focus on these core insecurities. It’s been a year. I grew up with an insecure mother and it caused untold trauma to myself and all of our siblings. It has devastating consequences to families. The endless cycle of bitterness, self-loathing, resentment, and lashing out are traumatic and exhausting.
Now that OP can’t self-soothe her body image issues with “well husband picked me over her” she needs to find a healthy coping mechanism and start building her self-esteem from within. You cannot rely on someone else to feel good about yourself — not completely.
I think OP should try and push through the discomfort and try couples counseling or different therapy. It’s not going to be easy, but at this point there should be some progress and she can’t stay in this emotional space forever.
My husband keeps telling me that since I have a huge inheritance, I should buy his son the toys he wants.
I laughed out loud at this part.
Yeah, no.
How do I calm the situation down?
By telling your husband to teach his kid some discipline, or to churn it out of his own pocket.
I hope you're not actually spending your inheritance on someone else's kid's toys. That's how people end up homeless in case of divorce
What are you even taking about? She's not even mentioned in biblical scripture, but in the torah lilith didn't like Adam and hooked up with an archangel.
Take the lead, my man. As hard as it will be, take the lead.
If i was put back in this situation again [backstory below], I would call her ass up about it. Straight up, “I know everything, tell me the truth.” Tell her how you have been, depressed, pressured, stressed, the search history, the burns to her knees and the likes. Once that was out, if she wants to give a reaspn so be it. But, if she's looking, give her a time frame to pack her junk and be gone.
There is no amicable. Hardline in concrete and remove her. Blocked/ removed / deleted and i see you reaching for the phone with photos get rid of it and i know its nude… but find something to fill the space. There is someone better.
Advice I wish someone had given to a younger me.
Backstory: 2018 my ex finacee (5 years together 6 months engaged moved for work (4 hours up the coast), I refused to relocate as I was finishing my degree (12 weeks of placement) and would move after. We would see eachother every weekend, but about 4 weeks in something was off with the chats. Then her snapchat was all over the show, partying and at people houses at like 4 in the morning. Nicknames stopped and she became disconnected.
I knew for 3 months she was cheating and she, confessed when she called me for my birthday saying it was one guy she “kissed”. She came down and I had all her stuff thrown into boxes for her to pick up, rest of it dumped.
She accused me of not being caring for her feelings, i was emotionless and hot to be loved because i dont have a “love language” (I am on the spectrum, and my love language is touch and actions) She told me when i drink i am more likeable and tollerable, which threw me hot into then drinks for almost a year.
We had the same friends group, her friends couldn't look at me. About a year later, i found out from her closest friend it was about 6 guys that were in her teaching department, including the head of department.
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