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Lilian, 18 y.o.
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Date: December 8, 2022
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Agreed
It's easy to make bad choices in the heat of the moment, that is a mistake.
I’d disagree on a couple points but agree OP should let her ex move on and needs to work on herself— and do it away from the person she’s already hurt.
Lots of people cheat because they have unhappiness/issues inside themselves (or their relationship, but in this case sounds like within OP). Yes, that means going for the rush and the good feelings, but people often pursue those good feelings because they lack the security to produce them from within a mature, stable, loving (but settled, and not as exciting) relationship.
In my opinion, it’s not even that committed, healthy relationships are unexciting. They’re a different proportion of excitement— the amount that’s sustainable while maintaining a good and stable life. But, a new relationship gives us a blank check to reinvent ourselves and be the self-improved version we were just too disengaged to become in a stable setting. People get self-defeating, complacent, even unaccountable in a long-term relationship— and sometimes our relationships involve dynamics that don’t work the best for us that seem like harder work to change than it would be to restart. Sometimes that might be true, sometimes we just rationalize our lack of desire to put the work in.
Also, self-doubt isn’t needed to make a relationship with some older creep trying to pick off people in existing relationships toxic. There’s a good chance part of what OP needs to reflect and work on (while not dating or pestering her ex) is whatever in her might have been susceptible to toxic flattery, manipulation, etc in the first place— in comments she says she wrote off or rationalized many red flags. She did that for some reason, and her life will be better and more stable if she investigates that. Healthy people stay away from people who do weird, creepy, or inappropriate shit (even if cloaked in compliments and flattery) in the name of getting their attention.
Also— ignoring the damage it would likely do to her ex if she got back with him, it’s also not healthy or respectful of someone you care about to let them compromise their own boundaries and well-being to try and give you a shred of the good feelings you want again that they’d offered you in the past. Learning to care about people in a mature way means recognizing when what you want with them would be unhealthy, even if it would offer you security or make you feel better.
It’s also not good for your own healing. If you seriously work on yourself, you will become someone who can be relied on even when a flirt/badboy/creep comes to push your buttons— if you give into shortcuts and disrespectfully-produced validation (like being with your ex if he took you back even if it hurt him), you might not get there in good time, and some people never do.
That said, OP, sounds like you’re correctly taking time for yourself to heal and work out what got you here on your own. Therapy, growth, self-development is all worth it. Commit and it will pay off.
That would be a deal breaker for me.
I couldn’t be with someone who I had to constantly mind like that when we’re out trying to have a good time