I’d get therapy. For you. I’d dig deep and Susa out what the real problem is. Because unless he has some history of cheating, this seems a little irrational on your part.
Just because there are men around doesn’t mean they’re men he likes or gets along with. And just because there’s a woman around doesn’t mean she’s going to trip and fall on a dick.
I (44F) work in a male dominated field. I’m often the only woman in most meetings and projects. My closest work buddies are all men. There are a few women I like just fine but they’re just not people I make an effort to contact outside of work—mostly because we don’t have much in common outside of work. They are much more feminine and we just don’t share the same kinds of interests.
I used to travel a lot for work to do onsite meetings at various offices where we had a project going. I usually was there with a male colleague or two or three. Normally when traveling, we’d eat dinner together, maybe have some drinks, maybe go to a museum or some sight seeing if we had to stay over the weekend. Absolutely nothing shady going on. One of my fave colleagues’ wife was so insecure and jealous that she forbid him from traveling with me, staying at same hotel (which our company booked us with), forbid us from having dinner together—even with other people around. It was embarrassing for him, made things uncomfortable when traveling, made me feel like I couldn’t even call him for a work related issue if I knew he was home with his wife. And the nature of our business—tech—we often had after hours issues to address after a go live!.
I dunno. Everyone is different. But I just don’t see what the big deal is. ?♀️
I have clearly stated it takes two to tango, and I’ve asked for advice not a lecture or to be berated, it’s bad enough being caught between a rock and a nude place,
They said they wasn’t ready for a kid after the fact I’m pregnant they where alright not pulling out or getting protection. I think it’s naive to think I didn’t take a morning after pill but it didn’t work so that’s why I’m asking advice here
Honestly, never have sex in your first relationship. Ever. It's your first. Unless it's also your last, keep sex out of it; you're learning everything else there is to know about relationships in your 'trial run' basically.
And if the person you're with can't respect that, that teaches you about the person you're with, and begs the question why you're with them.
I think sex is fine if it's what you want. There are millions of women out there having sex and loving it. But that doesn't have to be you. You get to be you and like you things.
Give it back to him unopened and tell him you don't want it and it was a little bit disrespectful for him to give it to you and that you have no interest in ever having sex until you bring the subject up again and are ready. You already know he's interested, the message has been communicated, it does not need repeating. You'll let him know when you are interested. If ever.
If he can't handle that, he knows where the door is. He may just not want what you have to offer. Sometimes people are simply incompatible. You may in fact be asexual. That's a thing. Or just have a very low sex drive. People vary.
It is totally okay for him to want sex in a relationship… he can go find a different relationship if that's the case. It doesn't mean you ever have to give it to him.
The sex toy thing was inappropriate and crossed a line. Giving it back to him unopened sends a crystal clear message. Reject it. Completely. Without ambiguity. Ambiguity is not your friend when it comes to communicating your feelings and setting boundaries.
The abuse is only going to get worse. The starting point is with an attorney. The first visit is usually free. Do not discuss this with husband. Just serve him with papers when you are ready. Make sure that you get half of all assets. It would be helpful if you could orchestrate debt reduction before he is aware of your intent. Consider selling the house as part of the plan to split assets. You may want to keep it, but it is too large for one person. A nice condo in an area populated by people who would fit into your social circle would be better for you. Do it now. The next step in abusive behavior is physical harm. You deserve to be happy and you're not.
We still have a year to go till graduation and I’m at a loss if I should take the risk for what could be a good relationship or a big inconvenience.
If you two are compatible for a real relationship… things will work out in the end.
In saying that, what is the rush?
You two can still experience a form of romantic interest with each-other and take it up a couple nearing your graduation. Things don't have to be full throttle right now, right?
Could even present it as:
I like you and I have interest in you.. but right now my priorities are my studies.
So, how about we just keep this simple until we are done graduation and then explore this more deeply afterwards?
If you two are compatible, every step of the way will be met with understanding.
I’d get therapy. For you. I’d dig deep and Susa out what the real problem is. Because unless he has some history of cheating, this seems a little irrational on your part.
Just because there are men around doesn’t mean they’re men he likes or gets along with. And just because there’s a woman around doesn’t mean she’s going to trip and fall on a dick.
I (44F) work in a male dominated field. I’m often the only woman in most meetings and projects. My closest work buddies are all men. There are a few women I like just fine but they’re just not people I make an effort to contact outside of work—mostly because we don’t have much in common outside of work. They are much more feminine and we just don’t share the same kinds of interests.
I used to travel a lot for work to do onsite meetings at various offices where we had a project going. I usually was there with a male colleague or two or three. Normally when traveling, we’d eat dinner together, maybe have some drinks, maybe go to a museum or some sight seeing if we had to stay over the weekend. Absolutely nothing shady going on. One of my fave colleagues’ wife was so insecure and jealous that she forbid him from traveling with me, staying at same hotel (which our company booked us with), forbid us from having dinner together—even with other people around. It was embarrassing for him, made things uncomfortable when traveling, made me feel like I couldn’t even call him for a work related issue if I knew he was home with his wife. And the nature of our business—tech—we often had after hours issues to address after a go live!.
I dunno. Everyone is different. But I just don’t see what the big deal is. ?♀️
lol OK still you tho
I have clearly stated it takes two to tango, and I’ve asked for advice not a lecture or to be berated, it’s bad enough being caught between a rock and a nude place,
They said they wasn’t ready for a kid after the fact I’m pregnant they where alright not pulling out or getting protection. I think it’s naive to think I didn’t take a morning after pill but it didn’t work so that’s why I’m asking advice here
Honestly, never have sex in your first relationship. Ever. It's your first. Unless it's also your last, keep sex out of it; you're learning everything else there is to know about relationships in your 'trial run' basically.
And if the person you're with can't respect that, that teaches you about the person you're with, and begs the question why you're with them.
I think sex is fine if it's what you want. There are millions of women out there having sex and loving it. But that doesn't have to be you. You get to be you and like you things.
Give it back to him unopened and tell him you don't want it and it was a little bit disrespectful for him to give it to you and that you have no interest in ever having sex until you bring the subject up again and are ready. You already know he's interested, the message has been communicated, it does not need repeating. You'll let him know when you are interested. If ever.
If he can't handle that, he knows where the door is. He may just not want what you have to offer. Sometimes people are simply incompatible. You may in fact be asexual. That's a thing. Or just have a very low sex drive. People vary.
It is totally okay for him to want sex in a relationship… he can go find a different relationship if that's the case. It doesn't mean you ever have to give it to him.
The sex toy thing was inappropriate and crossed a line. Giving it back to him unopened sends a crystal clear message. Reject it. Completely. Without ambiguity. Ambiguity is not your friend when it comes to communicating your feelings and setting boundaries.
Only child
The abuse is only going to get worse. The starting point is with an attorney. The first visit is usually free. Do not discuss this with husband. Just serve him with papers when you are ready. Make sure that you get half of all assets. It would be helpful if you could orchestrate debt reduction before he is aware of your intent. Consider selling the house as part of the plan to split assets. You may want to keep it, but it is too large for one person. A nice condo in an area populated by people who would fit into your social circle would be better for you. Do it now. The next step in abusive behavior is physical harm. You deserve to be happy and you're not.
We still have a year to go till graduation and I’m at a loss if I should take the risk for what could be a good relationship or a big inconvenience.
If you two are compatible for a real relationship… things will work out in the end.
In saying that, what is the rush?
You two can still experience a form of romantic interest with each-other and take it up a couple nearing your graduation. Things don't have to be full throttle right now, right?
Could even present it as:
I like you and I have interest in you.. but right now my priorities are my studies.
So, how about we just keep this simple until we are done graduation and then explore this more deeply afterwards?
If you two are compatible, every step of the way will be met with understanding.