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Date: January 11, 2023
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We're a bunch of random people on the internet, we can't really pick your psyche apart to pin point whatever internalized sexism (not accusing you to be sexist, just that there are sexist ideas floating in society people end up subconsciously absorbing), self-esteem issues, or view on casual sex you may have. It's a difficult conversation you need to have with yourself, or maybe with the help of a professional therapist.
What I have to offer comes from my personal journey of healing from several long term traumatic circumstances.
First, it does sound like you have done alot of work and come a long way in your own healing journey. I acknowledge you for this.
I would say that people who have experienced extensive trauma never will be completely 'healed'. AND that is OK. There is always the chance that something will act as a trigger to remind you.
I think an alternate way to approach your question is this…
Can you recognize when you are being triggered by a past event with the old boyfriend?
AND if you can recognize that you have been triggered, do you feel you have the tools to help you process what is now present for you?
If the answer to both is yes, then I would not say you do not NEED counseling. That doesn't mean you may not want to consider it for the sake of continuous improvement in your life – but that is really a different question for another time.
However, if the answer is no to either of them, then I would suggest looking into something.
I would offer that you do not need to carry any guilt for not leaving sooner. Simply put… at the time you were surviving. AND you did survive. And now thrive. I agree with your sentiment that there are times when we had to go through what we did to get to where we are now. Being sad about when you remember the bad times is OK. Be with the sadness, then recognize you came through it and you are stronger.
I wish you continued growth and an awesome future.
Take care.
I don’t have many friends and my boyfriend has TONS of friends. It’s not a bad thing! I also like to keep my circle small. I find it exhausting talking to too many people haha. Some people just enjoy the presence of very few people and are picky about who they have close to them. I don’t even think you necessarily have to tell him. Your worth isn’t defined by how many friends you do or don’t have. But if you want to bring it up just casually be like “so you think it’s weird I don’t want to have a lot of friends” when you guys are relaxing together lol I doubt he’ll think less of you. I’m sure he can tell how many friends you have.
Yeah, I don’t know why it freaks me out, because I don’t even mind if my partner meets with his old crushes. I think it’s something in the way I was raised (strict religious parents). Thank you for the advice, it made me feel a lot better.
You're very likely going to need to get a restraining order against your ex. I hope you are still living with or near your parents, and that they can help you by taking you to the police station and being a support system for you. If not, then you'll need to lean on whomever is in your support system, whether it's other relatives or close friends.
Start documenting any jealous, angry acts he does so that you can use that as evidence for why you need to make sure he shouldn't be allowed near you.