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And I absolutely agree with this. I do want her to have a life outside of me and I don’t want her to change to make me feel better. I want to know how how I can be better. It sounds like seeking professional help is the viable option here because I’ve been trying to fight myself on this and it doesn’t seem to get better.
And should I text her the days leading up to the date on Wednesday or should I wait till I pick her up
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Thank you! As far as the alcoholism/addiction. I was regularly attending NA meetings, working steps, networking, etc from 2014-2019. Completely drug and alcohol free. I did drink briefly in 2019 (as stated in the post). In 2020 I did smoke weed but since 8-8-2020 I have been completely abstinent again and attend at least one meeting a week.
Use the words from her private personal journal that op should never have read to manipulate her rather than have an adult conversation about their feelings and marriage? No. Don't do that.
I think it is possible to come back from cheating if he is honest with you, shows genuine remorse, willing to be held accountable, and wants to change(not keep doing it).
If you have to “force” him to be honest to your initial questions………aka revealing your evidence…….than it would be understandable to not believe their “remorse” and willingness to change afterwards.
“finds you too cute”? lol. I'm a guy, btw and I don't know what you look like, but I have no doubt that's another straight up lie he's telling you.
Although well intentioned in just trusting him on his word, you are indeed a huge fool for doing so. Stop speaking with him and just contact a lawyer already. No matter what the outcome is, you will definitely be on the hook for child support but you can just waive your rights then and there which will make it easier to get him to leave you alone. It sucks but you had to have some inclination that this would not be that easy right? Especially because he wants the child. If you didn’t want to put up with any responsibilities pertaining to that then you should’ve just aborted. But this child now serves as a lifelong connection to this man so good luck.
It’s obviously a deal breaker for you. Just tell her. “ hey so I know you like to go swimming and sometimes go skinny dipping and I’ve come to feel like it’s gonna be something that will bother me and I don’t feel I would want to continue to date if you continued to do it while we are together and I understand completely that you might really enjoy doing that with your friends and I respect that so I just wanted to be upfront about how I felt and if we need to go our separate ways I wanted to do it respectfully for the relationship”
Red flags, multiple.
That’s some bs shit to say. Value is in the eye of the beholder. Some value that more than anything.
Sounds like your husband’s family’s mindset about family finance does not align with yours. I’m not saying that either of you have to be right or wrong. My speculation is that you and your husband’s family have different ways of money management. I believe that in some cultures, the man is expected to not only take care of his parents but also his siblings, before his own wife. It sucks, I know. My dad thinks similarly to your husband regarding family finance.
Again, I’m not siding with your husband. But I totally understand where the both of you are coming from.
It sounds like your husband still cannot make up his mind about what to do. I’m not wishing bad luck on your marriage but if you cannot change him, think about what you can do in your power that will at least ensure YOUR OWN financial security in case of a separation or divorce.
I hope things work out in the end.
You should probably address the IOU thing head on. My aunt owes me quite a bit of money and always tries to give gifts, and every single time she so much as mentions it I say “I’d rather you give what you owe me. Don’t spend money when you can just repay.” I would approach this as an “I appreciate you like gift giving, but my daughter has enough tiger stuff. Please just pay me back what you owe instead so I can get more of what she needs.”
That said, IOU issue aside, I think it’s a bit silly to dictate who can get what gifts for your daughter. If the tiger thing was your brother’s idea or happened organically, or if your brother or your daughter were bothered by others buying tiger things, I would understand the point more. But this reads as more of a sweet idea you are imposing as what you want to be a special thing rather than coming from either of them, which seems a tad controlling/overbearing. It also seems like something that will be very hot to police as she gets older – what if she asks for tigers from others? What if an unrelated friend gets her a zodiac based gift?
The TL;DR here is I think you’re right to be bothered because of the IOU thing (and also maybe because too many gifts of any one type may burn your daughter out on tigers altogether – which you could also mention to the friend as a reason to stop). But I suggest re-examining the energy you put into insisting on this as your daughter’s and brother’s “thing” (unless one or both expresses a similar sentiment, and it may be something worth talking about with your brother to see what his feelings are).
He's upset because some girl from his past made fun of his size.
I think you should throw this one back.
Let me get this straight.
You invited your friend and her daughter to come and meet your boyfriend at his place of work. He is a chef and he made you all special foods, gave you special attention and comped your drinks. She got lovely food, attention and paid NOTHING for the evening out with her daughter.
Her response was to go home and make fun of the host with her daughter calling him “fugly” and making fun of him.
She's… a bitch.
She may be a jealous bitch but either way she is trash.
This is how you deal with it. A message to her:
“I told you that I've been dating a new guy for a month and invited you to his place of work so you could get a chance to meet him. We had some items comp'd but I paid for the rest.
Your response to the whole evening was to tell me that you and your daughter spent the trip home making fun of him and calling him “fugly”.
Even if you don't like him that was unnecessarily mean. And all the other unkind words you've said really paint you in a different light for me.
At this point, I don't think I wish to continue our friendship. I don't want that kind of negativity in my life anymore.”
And then just… drop the rope.
If she is part of a group that you habg out with then give each of them a call and say “ExFriend was really obnoxious after I invited her out for an evening. I paid for everything, introduced her to this new guy I'm seeing and she shit on EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING.
I hit my limit on her negativr bullshit. I hope I can keep you as a friend but I'm done with her. Life's too short for mean girl shit.
Hey, you wanna meet my new guy?”
In this case you will probably need to create some events with this group and not invite her to get it to gel a new way.
Fingers crossed they are good friends, good people
How long did you date before marriage?
Yep. Tell him how you feel and then see how much he cares how you feel. Be as honest as you can.
Honey, you need to move on. Having a gf with big boobs is more important to him than you or your feelings. You need to find a guy with the opposite priorities.
Beautiful pic BTW.
For you this just happened. Fir her it was 11 years.
Expect trikle truth.
Everything will be different. It will never go back to how it was
So, it’s good that he’s in therapy, but to answer your main question: it’s naked to give a quantitative answer to what’s a “normal” amount on this subject. Ideally it would be 0 considering it is a trigger for you, and personally I think that should be directly communicated and then enforced via his therapy or even couples therapy.
Anger is a secondary emotion and can arise as a sort of queue when there’s an underlying/deeper emotion… e.g. when someone treats me badly, I’m visibly angry, but deep down I’m actually hurt. In that way, anger can sometimes be appropriate in that it’s protecting you, but it seems like in the examples you’ve given it’s actually the opposite. He’s seemingly angry at you (or at least it feels like it!) and projecting that anger towards you inappropriately.
As someone who has struggled with anger issues in the past, it was absolutely necessary to hear from a partner that my anger (voice raising, eye rolling, however it manifests) makes them uncomfortable. Your partner should be able to manage stressful situations without exploding – this includes conversation, even difficult ones, with you. ** it might be difficult for him to hear or even agree with what you say – he might say things like, “I wasn’t even yelling!” Or “You’re exaggerating, cmon!” …. Because its so ingrained to him as **normal, coping behavior. But that’s what needs to be changed. He cannot approach all stressful situations and topics with anger and expect respect and love in return.
To help you navigate the situation and enforce your own boundaries, I suggest:
plainly stating that you are uncomfortable. When he does x, you feel…..
let him know moving forward you will not tolerate him raising his voice. Follow-up is important here – discuss what he can/ should do moving forward to make you feel better and to help improve himself.
if/when he does become angry and you feel uncomfortable, reinforce that boundary: say, “I feel very uncomfortable. we can continue this conversation later when you aren’t doing x, y, z”
no one who makes more money than you is a golddigger lmao. she would literally be the WORST golddigger in the universe in that case, get real.
the “bills paid” thing is probably some sort of dumb joke, maybe an ironic one which i guess could be another issue
OP is making this up.
No, don't go back. It's toxic, controlling and just plain vile…”check your bank account” at age 20…bruh.
Move on and surround yourself with people who will support you.
I've been there, too, unfortunately. Fucking insurance companies & medical debt. We shouldn't have to choose one treatment at the cost of another.
J
Wondering if mom is paying rent, utilities, etc.? You mentioned she’s working. If she’s not paying rent to you then theoretically she’s been saving money to get her own place? Or a shared place with another adult? If she not paying rent/utilities and not saving wth is she doing with her money? Was she working before the divorce or was she a SAHM? Could she be entitled to any spousal support?
Elaborate