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Date: October 24, 2022
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So, I find the age gap worrisome for life experience and power dynamic reasons, and I usually discourage people from placing their partners over other people in their lives who were there first.
Even with that disclaimer, your family is being hypocritical and unreasonable and if you have to choose, it shouldn’t be them unless they give you a very good reason otherwise. Calling you disgusting over a relationship with the same dynamic that has been previously accepted and that they previously expressed no issue with is really disrespectful.
Try talking them to find out why they have the stance they do, and why it hasn’t come out before now. Make sure there’s no interaction you don’t know about. If they refuse to offer a reason or the reason is flimsy, do your own thing. I know you don’t want to lose them, but their treatment reads as unacceptable without more info that it doesn’t even sound like you have. And if you cave to unacceptable treatment now, they’ll control much more of your adulthood than you’d like.
Keep us updated, please. This story has some unexpected specifics and I hope the best for you navigating it.
I was thinking this. Have him sleep on the sofa/in a spare room if you have one for a night and see if he notices anything.
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Really dreading having to tell Friend 1 that my partner and I can’t attend after all. Any advice?
Yeah, you should be dreading it because it's the wrong thing to do. Not only did you commit to her wedding first, you say you're closer friends with her and you know her fiancé better.
It shouldn't even be up for debate. Why would you bail on her?
let him cook
Thank you so much for such an eloquent and kind response. Yes, I am doing therapy but at the same time I am just trying to figure out other things I can do so that I can compliment that with therapy
I suppose I'm inherently biased given that I'm one of the random people, but there's definitely a difference between posting on social media like Facebook and Instagram where everyone knows you, vs. Reddit where you have the ability to be private (if you so choose) and are just seeking some outside opinions from people you'll never have to worry about (unless you've told people your Reddit username).
Anecdotally, full disclosure, I'm a guy, happily married with a toddler and one on the way. I'm incredibly private on social media so I'm with you there. But Reddit is just me. I don't really talk about myself because I'm not seeking advice, but I give a ton of advice on here because I've been through it all and learned from it. I didn't have Reddit as a resource when I was largely going through it, so I'm happy you all do. There are certainly people who give bad advice, but I'd focus on those who consider all of the context provided in their comments. I digress.
To go back to the situation at hand, I assure you (in context), I'd be the first person to tell you that moving in with someone is the biggest step in a relationship outside of having children. You having done it at 18 would in general be insane to both myself and anyone else. But it's done. We can't go back in time.
The thing is, this isn't an issue of being “young by life's standards.” You moving in together was certainly done due to immaturity, but you need to understand that the situation you're in (age aside) is what I'd argue to be the cause of most divorces and the end of long term relationships; forcing it when you know you're incompatible and have known it from early on.
You moving in wasn't the issue in and of itself. You doing so knowing you wanted to online life outside of her is an issue. Now, maybe you didn't realize that until just now, and that's fine. I also need to be clear that by “issue,” I'm not suggesting you're a bad person for wanting this. It's an issue in the sense that your relationship is impacted by it. I'm also certain (which I know is nothing but conjecture, but you can tell me otherwise), that there are more reasons and issues here that you haven't mentioned. You also need to realize that you should never “need” someone; you should “want” someone. To go back to my anecdote, I assure you that my wife doesn't need me, and I don't need my wife. We want to be with each other. Would I be devastated if things ended? Of course I would. But I'd be just fine without her. She'd be just fine without me. That's how healthy relationships and mindsets work.
You don't want to leave her just because you realized you don't “need” her. You want to leave her because you're in an incompatible and unhealthy relationship. It sucks that it took five years to come to terms with it, but it is what it is.
Breakups don't have to require something terrible happening or a visceral dislike of each other. She might very well be an amazing person. You might very well be an amazing person. But you're just not right for each other. A friendship likely won't work, at least not in the near term. You should also get out of the mindset that you “need to find your true self.” You need to do what makes you happy. She doesn't. You're struggling to admit that.
In saying all that, there's just no easy way to do this. You need to be honest and direct but obviously as polite as possible. “I'm sorry, but I've realized that we're not right for each other and I'm breaking up with you.” She's almost certainly fight it, but outside of her potentially crying and pointing out all the good times and that you “can make it work,” does that change reality?
It doesn't. You've had five years of evidence proving as much. Things won't just magically change for the better and make you compatible if you logically know that's not the case. Break ups suck. That's the unfortunate reality. It'll suck for you too, and you're allowed to feel some sort of way about it despite initiating it. But you're doing it for a reason. That reason doesn't change if she fights it. Good luck.
It was dumb to stay so long but I was 18-19 and easy to manipulate I guess. I only left after he got mad at me for wanting to travel abroad with my family for my uncles funeral. I am still sad he made me miss the last Christmas before my uncle and grandfather died because he didn’t want me to travel without him and he couldn’t come bc of work.
Everything I did was weird and suspicious in his eyes. Even just telling a joke he hadn’t heard before he said was weird and questioned who I got it from. It was like I wasn’t a full complex human with my own thoughts and feelings. He questioned everything about me to the point I didn’t know if I even had a personality or my own thoughts and likes. Telling him about a song I like would be met with “but do you really like it though?”. So ridiculous.
Do not stay in situations like this. It is hard to see the damage it is causing while still in the relationship and can take a long time to unlearn. I really hope OP is looking out for herself