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I left my husband and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm not imagining how unhappy I was before, but he insists we can fix it. I want us to live! together as a happy family but I don't trust him to follow through.
I wanted to post here to get an outsiders perspective. Going to call my husband Dave.
I was doing the triple burden – working, doing housework, handing childcare and anything else child-related. I'm responsible for buying kids clothes, arranging playdates, drs appointments, school events. Dave doesn't do any of these, he says I'm better at it.
He also finds ways to belittle me in front of other people. He says he doesn't mean to and its just a cultural difference but my friends and family all find it uncomfortable. I dread going out with him with others as he'll find a way to embarrass me.
Before Christmas, Dave lost a big contract so has been out of work and not really doing anything. I think he's actually been depressed as it's very important to him to provide for his family, but he won't go a Dr or talk to anyone. I've been trying to push him to get a job in a shop to earn literally any money but he refuses as I'm 'nagging' him about it.
Meanwhile, I changed jobs and went full time for the first time in 5 years, partly for more money, partly for career advancement. The only issue with my new job is they don't believe in set schedules so my working days/hours are all over the place. Sometimes I'm home as late as 10pm. I know the hours suck but it's a 1 year contract for an incredibly good company and I want to use it as a stepping stone for a better job.
I thought with him out of work and me working all the time, he might step up but I'd come home and the plates would still be in the sink. I started getting really angry and resentful that i was having to work so hot at all angles to keep our family afloat. If I asked him to do any housework, he'd 'forget' and say its not a big deal, it only takes 5 mins. And I'd say yeah that's 5mins in your 8 hours of nothing or 5 mins after my 10 hour work day.
I tried to leave at Christmas but after some very long talks, Dave agreed to step up around the house. He started doing a bit of laundry and a bit of washing up. He also ran out of money so I had to take out a large loan to cover bills. I've been paying for everything for the last 3-4 months.
I approached a charity and told them everything and they agreed to help me. They paid the deposit and first month's rent for a flat and I left last week. Since then, Dave has been devastated. He says he doesn't want to be without me, he misses me, he wants a future with me, he wants to fix this.
I feel lighter than I have in a while. Im actually excited about the new place and a fresh start. But i also feel really guilty that he's so upset. I feel like I'm betraying him.
I'm torn – do I ask him to move with me and hope/trust that a fresh start will be better? Can we get past all this damage? Or do I stay by myself and leave him suffering?