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I need serious help and advice with this one as I’m so unsure on what to do. To give a very brief backstory I (25F) and my fiancé (27M) are engaged but it’s been rough for a while, we have about a year left until the wedding. We on-line 5 hours away from friends and family at the moment.
Something I think is helpful info, My partner had a traumatic childhood event which we have been working through over the past year. He tried therapy, anti depressants etc and he didn’t like any of it so currently he is not receiving professional help. He obviously due to this has very backward coping mechanisms and is extraordinarily immature when it comes to confrontation. I could go into all the backstory on this if someone thinks it will be helpful.
His parents also recently found out about this traumatic event and have been no use at all and victim blaming my fiancée and I feel terrible for him. So it’s safe to say he’s going through it right now.
However, I find myself every time we have an argument taking the high road, being overly understanding, staying very calm all because I feel bad for him. But he takes our disagreements to the extreme.
For example today, he took a cupboard off the wall because he said it needed sanding before painting, when I informed him I had already sanded it. He stormed off throwing the screwdriver saying ‘he can’t get 5 minutes away from me’ and goes and hides under a blanket chanting leave me alone for 7 minutes…. When he gave up and I was able to talk to him he tells me ‘he doesn’t like me’ ‘doesn’t know why he’s in a relationship with me’, tells me I’m boring and he hates me and doesn’t care about me and doesn’t care how I feel or how his words affect me.
This happens in some form or another EVERY time things don’t go exactly his way, I try to bring up something that might upset him or I don’t agree with him on something. It’s like a full on temper tantrum every time and sometimes he’s even mildly physical with shoving or pushing.
Now I know what you’re thinking, why the hell is she still with him but just try to see what I’m working with here. I feel like if I up and leave I’m just giving up on our home, our engagement and what if this is all just a result of dealing with his childhood trauma He often tells me how much he hates the relationship in arguments yet he won’t ever leave? He always pretends and packs a bag and goes and sits in a McDonald’s car park then scuttles home when he realises I’m not going to call and beg for him back. He then comes back and tells me he didn’t mean anything he said and he’s so sorry and he’ll do better next time. And he has improved in a way as he use to do this pretty much every day and now we are probably down to every 2 weeks and I usually when he is tired (he works nights).
The other problem is im unsure if he is genuinely ever sorry. It’s like something comes over him and he switches personalities completely. He’s a dream when he’s being himself but when life isn’t going his way he swaps, could this be something to do with a trauma response? I don’t know if the nice him is a mask that he sometimes can’t help but to drop or if the bad him isn’t him at all and he can’t control it?
I know he needs help but he thinks he’s too good for it and I have no leverage of getting him there because I honestly feel if I disappeared tomorrow he wouldn’t care. Have I just let the bad him get in my head, my self esteem is on the floor? But I want to help him and I need to feel like I’ve done everything I can?
The kicker is, if I go a bit cold or start ignoring his tantrums and pretending they don’t bother me (even though they do) he gets super needy and affectionate and nice , I presume because he’s sweating that I’m getting serious about leaving? Do I continue to ignore the behaviour and will it then stop?
Someone help please without just a simple leave him, even just help me understand him…… any more info needed I’ll give
right. i guess it is because they just settle. they do not respect themselves to think they deserve a better man. a man that knows how to properly clean himself. ??
Tell your mum. It really doesn’t matter how. She loves you. She’s worried about you. And she will be there for you. You have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to be embarrassed about.
If your mum is as you say she is, the second you tell her, you will feel less alone and less vulnerable, because she will be there and she will help protect you in recovering from your assault.
Just show her your phone with this post. Or write it on a piece of paper if you can’t say the words out Loud. You also don’t have to tell her all the details I’m one go if you can’t. Just start with ‘piece of shit “friend” assaulted me’ and I’m having a very naked time talking about it.
Good luck. You’ll get there with support but ir sucks to feel the way you do now. I wish you all the best.
Money is a pretty good excuse to keep it going. It doesn’t sound like it costs you anything. Why does this make you feel bad?
Are your posts legit? Do you read your posts? Go back and re-read them and write another post asking why you’re still with him.
Come on dude, the guy sounds like he has mental issues and likely Sara’s stalker. Have a bit of self respect and walk away from a lost cause
She has probably 'dumped' me over 30 times in the last year.
Man. Wow. She sure is manipulative.
You've already tried communicating. You've tried asking for empathy. You've tried to resolve this together.
Might be time to set a boundary and warn her that the next time she does this, there's no more takebacks.
Not gonna lie, I'd be done after that Tinder comment. That's basically her next cute little test: threatening to cheat on you.
She's not going to bother with any real shot at therapy. Why would she? Her twisted little games keep getting her exactly what she wants.