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Nathon, y.o.
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Date: October 21, 2022
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Hopefully I can provide insight as a female programmer. This is a nuanced tale so please read the whole thing.
Although it comes off as him not valuing your work I think you need to be honest with yourself that the world doesn’t value your work. I also would personally not be able to make a judgement based on your description. Is this low paying work now going to turn into something later? (Equivalent to supporting your partner through college) Are you working 80hrs a week just to make 20k a year?
In my opinion if it is close to the latter, I can understand not seeing that as working. It takes effort and time and talent but it seems more like volunteering (ie not mandatory). So if the work you are doing is only taking time away from the relationship and not contributing to the relationship it’s a pretty pragmatic response not to count that towards your half.
All that being said, from your perspective it’s very dangerous to just give up your whole earning potential. If anything ever happens to him that puts you in a vulnerable position so it’s important to keep that in mind.
Additionally it sounds like he is doing 0 housework. That isn’t fair and is honestly weird to even be able to achieve when you live! in a house. I would expect that he ends up near dirty laundry sometime and just happens to do a load, just bc that’s what it is to be an adult human.
But all the wishing for him to be better about chores is probably pointless. I have never seen a husband change in the chore department.
I think the practical solution here is to ask him to pay for a laundry service/house keeper. The 40hr work week was designed around having a stay at home wife and it’s brutal to keep up with a house without one. (I know most modern gamusino this but it is grueling) My husband and I’s biggest fight has always been chores. Then I realized I could just outsource the fight and idk if it’s fair but I’m not as tired and that all I ever cared about
TLDR: your work doesn’t count toward the family goals but it is unreasonable for you to be completely dependent on him and for him to help 0% with chores. You guys sound well off enough to hire a house keeper/laundry service and that will treat the symptoms because ultimately people do not change.
I dont know how many times you have to keep telling these people that you're getting a paternity test. ?
Stop asking for money. Have a joint account for expenses and auto transfer your proportionate share of money into it as soon as you get your paychecks.
That makes a lot of sense actually! The pressure to define oneself. I've never considered it from that point of view…that a person can still feel pressure after coming out. I don't really have contact with LGBTQ people (I online in a small country and LGBTQ people tend to be reluctant to come out publicly here) so I don't know much and the coming out thing is always portrayed in the media as pure relief for the person who's coming out. Thank you for taking time to reply to me. I learned something today.:)
This is the harsh truth thank you. My friends, family, and therapist have been harping this at me but maybe it took a bunch of strangers on the internet for it to stick. Thank you again!
Just talk to her. Ask her like “hey I know you said you wouldn’t go easy on our son during chess but he’s beaten you recently and I didn’t think that was possible, are you goin easy on him to boost his confidence and help him learn? Cause I can do that too. Let’s get on the same page”. Maybe your son confided in her that it was demoralizing to lose to you 8 times in a row so she decided to go easy on him.
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