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Sophi/Jared, 18 y.o.
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Date: November 2, 2022
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Wait so within a year of leaving a horrifically abusive relationship, you got into a new relationship & brought a pet and house together? OP please be careful. Hopefully this new guy is a dreamboat & it's fine but that's not a lot of time being single to adjust to a healthy normal in the 2 years since your 1st post. It's very common for toxic men to date women who have just left unhealthy relationships & “swoop in” because as long as they are better than the abusive ex, they can't get away with being toxic in their own way. Because abusive relationships mess with our minds and our sense of normal.
Hopefully I'm overreacting. But buying a house & a pet within 18 months of dating is very fast-paced. Especially without that year being single to focus on healing and being ok by yourself after that ordeal.
Wow just checked your Reddit profile. You’re clearly a misogynist. Hahaha therefore none of your advice is relevant ???
I just prefer to treat it separately because oftentimes cheaters hide behind doing it with someone else to try to shift some of the blame away.
Meanwhile I like to think about this as two separate things so that the line is clear. With the tango metaphor, two people do the same thing. But when you treat cheating and sleeping with a cheater as two separate bad actions, you don't have then have to wonder who's more at fault, everyone is 100% at fault for what they did, it was their autonomous decision.
It's like with the pharmacy situation: if you go to a pharmacy to get a drug to kill yourself, it's only wrong for the pharmacist if he sold it to you if they neglected to check if you had the prescription. So if the other person kills themselves, the pharmacist will have neglected his job, but they will not be half to blame for the suicide. Those are two different things. I'm not sure if I explain this pharmacy metaphor well cuz I'm not an English speaker but I'm basically trying to advocate for treating cheaters and those that they cheat with separately, more harshly and to realize they are fully to blame.
Maybe one more metaphor, just in case: if you drunk drive and hit somebody, the fact that you hit them can't be blamed on the fact that somebody was on the road if you were too drunk to see them. It doesn't matter if the other person was acting correctly, you were still driving drunk and you're responsible for drinking and driving. The other person may be responsible for whatever they were doing. Two separate actions. Two people taking accountability for what they did without shifting any blame onto the other person
It's just my opinion. Aside for people trying to shift the blame away, I agree the metaphor makes sense. I get it if others don't view this as I do
I know this is so shitty but I see a lot of opportunity for mental growth here. First, you were in hardcore denial for a long time. You shouldn’t have to beg your girlfriend to spend time with you. You said she spent more time with her friends than she did with you in the last two years.
It sounds like you knew deep down things weren’t the same, but instead of making the tough decision to stand up for yourself by acknowledging you don’t deserve to be treated like an afterthought, you just clung harder to the relationship.
What you’re grieving is the fantasy life & relationship you imagined. You didn’t have that. In reality your gf barely gave you the time of day, partied constantly, and always put you last. Ask yourself how happy you really were sitting at home all those nights while she was out partying. How happy were you really all those hours you spent anxiously waiting to hear back from her, wondering when you’d see her again, hoping she wouldn’t cancel this time…
I think the reason this is hurting you so much is because you knew it was happening for awhile now, you just didn’t want to believe it, so you mentally clung harder to that fantasy girlfriend who “supported you through everything” and was going to magically change and turn into this perfect girlfriend & wife.
This is going to hurt for awhile. You need to rally your support group of friends & family. Keep yourself busy and distracted. Throw yourself into some new hobbies. Volunteer. Make new friends. Don’t drink too much.
After a period of time (usually between 3-6 months) you will start being able to see the relationship for what it really was — one sided. And you can learn from this so in your next relationship (which you will have), you don’t fall into the same trap.
She didn’t do anything wrong. Almost no one stays with the person they started dating as teenagers. People change. And it’s healthier to breakup than to cling to the illusion of a teenage fantasy.