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Tasha, 34 y.o.
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Date: December 16, 2022
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Hi there, sorry to hear you are going through this, and I can really empathize with you as I went through this exact thing for the past four years.
GF and I went to high school together, were together for 1 year before long distance started due to college. At first we were 4hrs apart for the first year then 2.5 in the following years. My GF also did not like calling/texting/social media too much, so I understand that you are feeling your needs are not being met. We did have a breakup for a couple of months in the third year, not entirely due to the long distance but just in general expectations, communication, and on my part lying. I, like you did a lot of crying, distance can really hurt. If I had to go back and do it over again, I maybe would say that it’s better to not have to go through this, especially during college. If you break things off on good terms, there is potential to get back together when your lives are more aligned. It will hurt at first but it will give you room to live! your life and hopefully be hurting less. I can’t tell you how many times I missed out on things with friends because I was driving back to my hometown to see my GF. Or how many times I was on the phone with my GF the night before a final, fighting/crying when I should have been preparing. We got back together after our breakup so I am not really a good example of what I am saying you should do here. But, I will say a break/ breakup can help put things into perspective for both of you. It sounds like you may have some unhealthy boundaries by saying your life revolves around him. I understand this sentiment because I also used to have this outlook on the relationship. But, it’s this type of thinking that causes more problems/ stress. You need to be your own person, and have your own activities to fill your time. This will reduce the stress that is put on the relationship. Long distance relationships inherently feel disconnected. There may be instances where both parties are very active, FaceTime daily, text frequently etc, but these are not necessary for the LDR to work. It’s obviously nice if you had those things, but what’s necessary to have a functioning LDR is an understanding or agreement between the two of you. If you’re saying your needs are not being met that probably means you’re unhappy, and if you’re unhappy your partner probably does not feel very good about themselves or your relationship either. So, you either should reevaluate what your needs are, I.e. learn how to function without him (so when you DO get contact you are happy and engaged) or leave the relationship because it is not suiting your needs. This happened plenty of times to me where since my expectations were not being met, even when I did have contact with her I was upset because of all the pent up feelings I had been having. LDRs are messy and it really takes a certain kind of people to do it. You have to have good enough communication, understanding and trust or it will go to shit, and you may lose them altogether because of a failed LDR. Earlier I said that I would suggest to breakup first because this is essentially a whole other “assignment” on top of what other school or work that you may have. LDR forces you to think and talk about things that you would normally not have to and this will either make or break the relationship. My GF and I made it through our 4yrs and are now living in the same city, and we are doing great. I don’t think we ever “got the hang of it”. We never wanted to be apart and really never learned to be okay with that. After our breakup though I learned how to deal with it. I figured out that going a day or two when she is busy without talking much is really not a big deal when the alternative is not having her at all. Everything I have said also does not even consider cheating emotionally or physically. This is a whole other ballpark that is potentially more likely as you are not getting as much attention from your SO. I hope this helps some, you’re not alone.
This reminds me of the Ross, Emily and Rachel situation in Friends. Except Ross didn't cheat on Emily with Rachel. But guys, I see why it's not a black and white situation. Cheating is a very valid reason for leaving but some people are complete saints and choose to forgive and not leave. Also it's definitely rough for her and the friends to find a way to hang out together without the two in the same room. Would OP be willing to be with his girlfriend and friends so he doesn't have to worry about something else hapoing behind his back or is this asking for too much. Definitely a hot thing to do being in the same room as someone your gf cheated with.
They want attention….
But did he change his mind? And express that? I don’t think he did. He just couldn’t get very hot. Sounds like they were trying to help him, not convince or coerce him. He should have said “heyyy, sorry, this just isn’t working for me tonite.” But it sounds like he just stay in there quietly broiling in his humiliation, trying to seem into it.
You got what you asked for, it didn't turn out the way you imagined, you got embarrassed, and you decided to make her pay the consequences.
Your ego is getting in your way. Start there. Deal with that. Therapy, self work, and sincere apologies for making your embarrassment her problem.
No, it’s not okay and not normal. A grown-up would know that living somewhere costs rent, and you are not even charging her half of everything.
If she wants enough space for ALL her things, she will need to rent a place twice your size and pay 3000 or more. Whatever space you are giving her is more than enough for the price you are charging.
Either she starts paying, and soon, or you need to decide if you want to be used like this or rather break up. She doesn’t seem to be mature enough to be in a relationship if she won’t even accept that she needs to pay her share in any living situation.
He needs to learn to say “i need space rn”. His emotions and needs are his responsibility to communicate. You, however, need to learn how to respect other ppl's boundaries without completely spiraling. Its a healthy thing for ppl to be able to identify when they're upset and need time to process those feelings. Again, though, its on him to actually verbalize that in some way. Perhaps a codeword such as “pause” could be implemented when he's feelings overwhelmed.
He's made his intentions clear. Stop spending your time worrying about why he does what he does.
You are overthinking this.
Move on, you will find someone amazing.
How are you sure it isn’t a joke gift? Your feelings are valid, but I would try to figure out where it’s stemming from. She could be 100% happy with you and still enjoy using a sex toy.