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willowjohnson chat
Date: February 10, 2023
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Vasectomies are considered permanent sterilization. Yes, a procedure can be done to attempt to reverse it, but it is not 100% effective. Approximately 90% of reversal procedures result in sperm being ejaculated, BUT only about half of reversals result in successful pregnancy of the partner. Sperm count and motility are often reduced after reversal which affects the chance of pregnancy. There are many other methods of birth control available than to ask someone to take a 50/50 gamble at permanently sterilizing themselves.
I would never ask a boyfriend or husband to sterilize themselves. Too many people push for it as a way to control their partner to try to ensure he won't leave and start a family with someone else. And the misinformation about how reversible it really is doesn't help people make an informed decision.
You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone if they can’t handle discussing issues like this, and you can’t fix issues like this without talking about them.
One thing I’ve learned over my years is that the inability to discuss problems is a giant red flag that can’t be overlooked. Saying things like “you’re bringing up the past” as if it’s a bad thing is a red flag. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and if someone hasn’t changed, yeah, the past still matters! It feels very gaslighty, and the only people I know who say things like that are people I’ve had to eventually cut off because they aren’t capable of a healthy relationship.
This dude is bad news. He has dumb fantasies about sleeping around. He clearly doesn’t have your well-being or best interests in mind. He’s also not capable of respectfully and constructively discussing issues, which means you’ll never solve them and you’ll never have a healthy relationship. You can’t change people like this, they have to do that themselves.
Think through if he’s actually worth keeping around. From my experience, I don’t think he is.
a) worries she'll lose her friends (they won't be able to meet as often/do the things they used to like to do)
Well yeah that does come with having kids. Doesn't mean they'll be completely gone, but the priorities will change. When it comes to hanging out, I usually invite my single friends over for dinner because my wife and I have a baby.
b) might start feeling pressured to have kids of her own in order to “fit in”, or because – if people she respects and cares about think having kids is the right thing to do, maybe she's making a mistake in not wanting them? As we're both in our 30s there's a degree of “time pressure” being thrown into the mix too.
Kids are great, but don't give into the pressure of having kids. I've had family friends give in and end up neglecting their kid because they believed it was an essential milestone they needed to reach in life.
For the time being, you and your girlfriend might want to consider some joint activities/hobbies to do together. Kids will make your friends a lot busier, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will be MIA all the time. I could be wrong as some could fall off the face of the map.
i ask how and she says how i don’t make her breakfast in bed or run her bath water for her anymore. i conclude these things are trivial and she would probably still have issues with my effort even if i did these things.
> You have your answer, but you don't want to hear it. Maybe you did nice honeymoon stuff when you first got together but now… you don't do it anymore. And you tried to blow it off.
Brother, in real life a woman can tell when you drop the act and start acting like you don't need to make an effort anymore.
Do you want to be with this woman? Do you realize you have to prove it every day? You can't take someone for granted.
I've been married 20 years, and I learned after about 10 painful years that a good relationship doesn't just happen; you have to invest in it. Just like other parts of a life well lived, you have to put in the effort every day if you want anything to come back to you. Happy wife, happy life.
These things are not trivial. She gave you concrete examples. Whatever relationship you have, you're going to have to make the effort to have a happy home, or you won't!
Coming in after the update that husband and fran are having an affair…
First off, that sucks astronomically. Be strong for yourself and your kid, OP. I hope you have a good support network you can fall back on.
R/survivinginfidellity (hope I spelled that right, on my phone typing this) is a sub-editor dedicated to what you're going through. Might want to check there too.
I'd suggest getting a full work std test done as quickly as possible. Including bloodwork. You never know what “gifts” these two passed on to you.
I'd also figure out what my exit strategy is. Only you can decide if you want to try and save your marriage. But it takes two people to make a marriage work.
Only you know your husband well enough to figure out if he's actually remorseful or if this is just the one where he got caught.
I'm firmly in camp “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But Reddit is pretty black and white. The real world is all kinds of shades of grey.
I would suggest talking to a divorce lawyer, though. Just to have options. And see about locking down your credit, any shared finances etc. Don't let husband screw you over financially, too.
That’s my biggest fear, mutual friend told me to confess and that she believes he feels for me too, but he wants to be a dad, it’s unfair to put him in a situation like this.
If someone who you consider your therapeutic support is telling you to get an actual therapist, it means they don’t want to do that job alone anymore and are being harmed and drained by being the only one doing it.
I don’t know why so many men think a girlfriend is a substitute for a therapist, but it’s just as unfair and harmful as seeing her as a substitute for a maid or cook.
Drinking that excessively and consistently at 29 is a serious problem, and is definitely not normal. You're not boring OP, you're just not 21 anymore. Throwing up every weekend isn't enjoyable.
Is there something going on in her personal life that is causing her to drink this much? If not, I advise sitting her down and expressing your concerns about her drinking habits. Be firm, but also let her know you are here for her and want her to do better.
She doesn't have to cut alcohol out completely, but she DOES need to find other hobbies to concern herself with as soon as possible.
Because when you grow up not feeling secure in the love of your parents, something never grows or heals properly in your emotional development. You’re forever searching for parental approval and love.