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ᴀ ᴛ ᴀ ʀ ɪ, y.o.
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Date: October 17, 2022
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The first to points I agree, but It’s the last one that I whole heartedly agree. Because yes it’s been 4 years, but do you want to waste more time with someone you don’t believe you can trust? What happens after 5, 6, or 8 years and you realize that time is gone now too?
If you're both able to talk hours on end without being bored then there are two options: he either wants you just as a friend or is scared of entering a relationship with you to risk losing the friendship.
But seen as you've already slept together then of course he wants a relationship with you just he's scared of making the next move so it's for you to do it
That was my perspective with it too, which is perfectly fine! But it’s constant which the weird thing
So he doesn't want to see you cause he can't use you for sex. Wow. You would think if he cared about you he might have missed you and wanted to see you, obviously that's not the case. I'd nope out of that shit “relationship” real fast.
It would be both our homes yes, but not both our apartment
Whoa sounds like you have a controlling older bf. One of the problems with huge age gaps. He shouldn't be monitoring your location, doubting you and making you feel guilty when spending time with friends. Any woman in their 30s wouldn't put up with this
It IS awkward when 34 year olds hang out with 20 year olds… that's why people in their 20s usually don't date people in their mid 30s.
I would go.. If both of you are not on the same path and you stay together you might up resenting her..
Do you..
So then why even bother posting here?
I will, as soon as I can. Better Safe than sorry.
It’s honestly very hot to imagine it can be better than this.
On one hand, it seems he is treating you badly – making plans without consulting you, setting unfair requirements for letting you be included, etc.
However, I think you need to take his comment about complaining too much on long drives seriously. It may be that you really do exude negativity. If that's the case, you need to do some work on yourself to become the kind of person a partner wants to be around.
In this situation, I would recommend couples counseling, but if he won't participate, you probably should split up. You as a couple have some nasty little games at play that don't spell a healthy relationship.
I have a dog that is number 2 on the naughty-breed list. I love this dog with my soul. If this happened- she’d be dead by sundown. I would be Devastated. I won’t risk that being a human. Period.
I’m so sorry OP.
I don’t want FWB. Let’s be honest no girl does. And if they say yes they are lying to you and all guys
Casual/just sex.
I don’t know how to go about it without being too wordy and insecure/needy.
Pretty much I want to get to know him better. We went out once, he moved and supposedly he’s moving back (I’d like to go out again if he moves back)
What do I say then?
Thank goodness
Tell him you get what he's saying. However treating your SO with respect and showing some loyalty is better than living alone and flirting because he was lonely and had nothing to lose. Tell him you associate that behavior with somone who thinks they don't have anything to lose.
Not the projecting in the comments ?
People's past matters, sexual, behavioral, criminal past, achievements, successes, victories, psychological problems, good or bad. Redditors in the comments defend the cheater simply because she is a woman, if a man was the serial cheater, they would have said that you did the girlfriend a big favor. Cheaters gonna cheat.
Imagine not letting a woman know that her boyfriend SA to all his previous girlfriends because “it's not my business”.
Why does it feel like my entire page lately is filled with people cheating with coworkers or falling for coworkers?!?! Hmmmm. Anyways, sorry this happened to you. Everyone has their boundaries and she crossed yours. Sounds like you’re healing. Get back out there and date when you’re ready. Only you know whether you can take her back. I can’t tell you that. Just make sure you don’t make a decision you’ll come to regret.
… do you think that hosting has a bearing on topping, bottoming, or being a side?
Even if it is “not good” it is still way less morally wrong than your boyfriend cheating.
Do not let anyone talk you into thinking you catfishing is at the same level as him cheating
Good luck for the confrontation
I disagree with all the commenters who said that there is no possibility to compromise. My GF and I had the same exact problem. Eventually we agreed to raise a monkey instead and it has been great and we're both happy.
So you’re mad that a man who was paying you for sex is not on board with all of your social justice crusades? You can’t be serious with this. You’re going to have a very hot time if you start a fight with everyone who doesn’t see your point of view on things. If you want your partner to agree with all of your political and social points of view, why don’t you try dating someone who is in your age group and already into activism? I’ll tell you why, because those kind of men can’t afford to fund your lifestyle. You went looking for a man to provide for you (what a strong independent woman) and now you’re surprised that he might view women as objects. The very hot truth here is that you directly contributed to his view that women can be bought and that relationships are transactional. You don’t get to change the dynamic just because he cut back his spending and you caught feelings.
Honestly, I'd try to work through it. 10 years is a long time. The fact that you say that she has been a good partner since then, and that your family is also supportive of forgiveness shows that she seems like a good person that bad a terrible mistake a long time ago. It sounds like you'd lose a lot by not trying.
It takes time for the wounds to scab over though.
Couples counseling to define the relationship with a mediator and post nuptial agreement sounds like the best course of action.
No way in HELL would I be sleeping on the edge of my bed to accommodate somebody else that ain’t my partner.. girl you need to set some boundaries asap
I feel like this is exactly what i meant when i mentioned my abusive ex, because i wanted everyone to know the context of why i even liked the guy in the first place. It’s definitely rebound behaviour i dont need therapy ? lol it just happens to be someone whos my boss , in a relationship and way older.. yikes for me
A good relationship is built on trust not control. I am friends with women I dated, had crushes on, knew all or most of life, and my wife has never in 36 years (come Mar 23) told me who I could talk to, text, dm, go out with, but instead has become friendly if not friends with all of those I remain in contact with. She too has friends and boyfriends she keeps in touch with and is still friends. Heck, this year I wrote the holiday cards and all her old male friends and boyfriends I made sure got a card. Attempt to control your guy like that will only result in him hiding things and acting out against that control. If you cannot trust him or if he cannot trust you, you don’t have a relationship worth being in.
why the hell did you do that? stop it immediately. Only deposit what's needed for the household.
– if your salary goes directly to the joint account – inform your company HR & finance of your new account number (go get one)
you are being financially abused.
Scrooge McDuck or not its a f*ckup situation when financial abuse happened as its crippling.
I would rather be single than financially crippled.
Honestly I just roll my eyes or when he asks what I would do if he leaves me I just say “I’d move on”. Is he just gonna leave if he can’t get a reaction out of me like he wants or will he eventually just cut it out?? I wanna be with him but if he wants to purposefully hurt me I don’t wanna be in a relationship like that, I just got out of that mess not too long ago I’m tired
An incompatibility in relationships is one of you won’t pick up the socks that you throw on the floor or one of you leaves the dishes in the sink for too long, not literal racism.
I never really slept around, having only slept with about 6 girls in nearly four years, and constantly getting made fun of for it
That lifestyle is overrated.
Do you know what is the most challenging part about dating and relationships?
It's not finding people to 'sleep around with'….
Its finding someone who can offer a stable, loving, healthy, trustworthy, quality relationship. Someone that fits like a glove. That is nude to come by and can take years to find someone who fits.
And this:
When I told my friends that I might end up dating this girl (after them hyping me up saying “OP is finally fucking girls, so proud of you etc.) they sounded really disappointed.
Is a part of your problem.
You have shitty people for friends.
Yup, good luck to your 'boys'… They're going to go through their youth never having a serious relationship. They will have no relationship maturity and be dysfunctional partners in their 30s. Then wound up in shitty relationship with them being to blame.
Being functional in a relationship is a skill.
And the truth about this post… If you cannot fully invest yourself into your girl, she deserves better.
If you're so hell bent on chasing tail, leave… so your girl can find someone who is confident in their position with her.
And after you spend 2 years of empty lust, come to realize how childish of a decision you made. But, you won't be able to go crawling back, because she will be with someone new.
My partner has passwords and passcodes to everything and vice versa. Neither of us would ever snoop through the others things. She has a journal she writes in sometimes. It’s out in the open, sometimes she reads me things from there, so you know how many times I’ve looked through it on my own? None.
The reason I said you sound controlling is you said “anyone I tell him I don’t like something he doesn’t do it again”, sounds like he’s afraid of you. That sucks for both of you.
Its really important to understand how exactly she is your best friend. Does she do anything for you? Does she show compassion and care for your life? Ask about how things are for you? Because its really weird for a best friend to uninvite someone due to tradition like this. Having a set amount of guests isnt really a tradition its an excuse.
I dont think how shes treating you is fair or nice. I think if you feel youd be asking her to change completely then you should be considering how this friendship is serving you. Is she really that good of a friend for this to be no biggie?
Its really important to understand how exactly she is your best friend. Does she do anything for you? Does she show compassion and care for your life? Ask about how things are for you? Because its really weird for a best friend to uninvite someone due to tradition like this. Having a set amount of guests isnt really a tradition its an excuse.
I dont think how shes treating you is fair or nice. I think if you feel youd be asking her to change completely then you should be considering how this friendship is serving you. Is she really that good of a friend for this to be no biggie?
Because your dad got away with it…he will keep on cheating on your mom until he dies
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and I say this for perspective not to be hurtful. When my mom was in palliative care I moved in with my parents for probably a month and left my husband alone. I even remember if I talked to him daily or how often I saw him or made any effort with him. I was completely shut down and spending all my energy taking care of my mom. My husband was nothing but supportive and did anything he could to take care of me and my family.
Thats the kind of man you want behind you not someone who “feels lonely” after a week when you are dealing with the hardest time in you life. He should be visiting if he can, calling you and texting you with no expectation of a response so you know your loved and supported. He should be sending you care packages or food deliveries to make sure you're taken care of.. not f**cking someone else.
Yea I would dump him. A 34 year old man making sexual comments about your 21 year old sister is probably a good indication of many this guy is a POS
hey, i totally get that this 'perfectionism' sounds like a lot of work, but i promise i'm not expecting him to do things my way and take all, or 50% of the work at home. i work 4 days a week, he works 4-5 depending on how much he's needed at work so our hours don't differentiate that much, and i only actually work about 10hrs less than him, not 'half the amount'. i only class myself as part-time because my contract isn't full time hours, and at my previous job i was working more than full time.
when i started work again i didn't want him to take the full 50% of the workload because i understand he's gone for longer hours with his commute. i only wanted him to pick up something other than washing the dishes and putting washing in because the majority of the actual cleaning of the flat was left to me and those 2 things were the only jobs he takes on regularly. even then the washing often gets left damp in the machine or a bag.
the bags i'd sorted through, i'd actually separated the possessions that i knew were his into his own bags and knew that none of that stuff was mine (it was his letters/paperwork, clothes, niknaks etc). i didn't want him to throw it all away, i wanted him to sort through it and find real homes, but he crammed letters down the sides of furniture, and left the rest on the floor in a different place and i ended up stepping on something sharp and really hurting my foot.
i don't struggle to look after my pets, that's why i keep them on a schedule for cleaning/feeding/playing etc so that they have consistency and we're both aware of what they need and what they've had lately. we have a noticeboard for their schedules that he hasn't updated once since living here even when he does fulfil their needs. but the pets were a commitment we made together (it was actually his idea in the first place) and so i feel he needs to understand their needs better.
i totally get where you're coming from, i understand this kind of lifestyle is high maintenance, but i feel i laid a lot of the foundations down for things to function (noticeboards, organisational systems for our stuff, work rotas on the wall) and he ignores that effort when what he'd have to do to keep up is actually really easy – i'm talking things like writing on the shopping list when he uses the last of something, or writing his work hours on our week schedule so we both know each other's work pattern and can plan our free time around that. i don't do it just for me, i do it so we don't have to think about this stuff, but now it feels like i'm doing all the thinking