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Date: September 24, 2022

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  1. Maybe she isn’t close to her parents or her parents are noisy

    If she told her friends about the relationship your chilling

    I wouldn’t overthink it /

    Do you know her relationship with her parents ?

  2. For what it’s worth, when I first got out a a relationship that was very controlling and was similar to how your ex-gf’s past sounds, I struggled a lot with fawning behaviors (fight/flight/fawn). Meaning, I gave in easily to pressure from other people in order to prevent conflict or them being upset with me and, truly, all of my internal discomfort at having to deal with those situations.

    If your ex’s experience was similar, it’s possible she continued to snap those other guys to prevent them or others from being upset with her and confronting her about it (particularly if they’d already been friends prior to your relationship). Consider that she shared her location and password with you early, as far as she knew (and likely expected, based on past experience) you knew where she was at any given time and could easily find out if you had concerns about her cheating. It is hard to get over the sense of being watched at all times by someone who’s not there, especially if she was ever “caught” by her ex doing something they didn’t like.

    It’s also possible that maybe it even felt nice to be shown compassion or desire by more people, including other men, even if she didn’t desire them. Abusive/controlling partners often degrade their target in many ways to make them feel dependent on the abuser, to feel like they aren’t worthy of being loved/can’t be loved by anyone else. Maybe she’s still starved for some affection or positivity? I still struggle with a lot of self-loathing and self-blame. Perhaps she does too?

    Last thought, and I’m not sure if this will make sense but here goes; such a volatile relationship led to me becoming consumed with anxiety and needing to be in control of everything and every potential situation all of the time, including situations with other people. Being in control required me to maintain contact with people I didn’t really like or want to be around. That’s a naked habit to break. I maintained contact with my abusive ex for over a year to keep tabs on when he was taking a bad turn and was likelier to show up at my apartment/my parents’ house/my school. I continued to occasionally respond to his texts or answer his calls to keep him placated or so I could avoid him/warn others. It sounds counterintuitive, and it is, but that’s how my brain was working. Ultimately I had to learn a LOT about boundaries and how to set them and enforce them with other people and it was just trial & error with everyone. 6 years later I’m finally starting to really get the hang of it.

    In my other experiences, when something in my gut is telling me someone is being dishonest about something or not as invested as I am, I’ve often been right. Not that you can’t get caught blindsided, but there are often specific red flags people will point to for cheating: not checking their phone/certain apps in front of you, baselessly accusing you of cheating, lying about their whereabouts, not letting you meet certain people, if you scroll through this sub there will be a lot of posts about it.

    My advice is that if your partner’s behavior makes you suspicious/confused, ask them about it in the moment. My current partner early on said “hey, this is kinda embarrassing and I’m not accusing you of anything, but can I ask who that guy was you were messaging earlier? I’m just feeling insecure today.” It made a big difference and opened a really healthy dialogue for us.

    This is a lot, I hope it’s some helpful insight. The way people behave is a reflection of them, not of you. I’m glad your ex is getting some help.

  3. I wouldn’t be able to have a partner that thinks I’m dumber than him by default just because I am a woman. Also from his side, why would he want to be with a dumb human being? He should marry a man

  4. u/HeadExpensive4399, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.

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  5. Try a t-ball bat. No pointing end or sharp side and it's swingable in a hallway. I got a pink girl one just to add insult to injury if i ever need it. But im in the US, if I'm grabbing that bat, plans A-C went horribly wrong.

  6. I don't think this note means you should change anything about yourself. I think it highlights things about your boyfriend that he needs to work on.

    If you want to talk about it, I'd say take that perspective: hey, saw this note, looks like you're struggling with your expectations about how long term, healthy relationships work, I'd recommend maybe talking to a pro about it.

  7. 18 yo with 37 yo? Do you not think now that this is absolutely not normal and that it was abusive from the start? You have not compromised in the past so much as been forced to accept things you didn't want. You have problems now because you're starting to outgrow the grooming he did on you and he doesn't like it one bit. Leave him.

  8. My wife did this to me. She pushed me to make contact with my estranged mother. I finally caved because of the pressure. I now have this insanely tenuous but somehow still intact relationship with my mother than causes me nothing but anxiety. It was better before, Yeah, I sometimes wished I could have a proper relationship with my mother, but was otherwise satisfied. Now I get this weird periodic stress in my life that won't quite go away.

    My wife now understands why we were estranged and apologizes to me regularly for forcing me into it, but the damage is done.

    And yeah, I do still have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder over it. Why are you guys so fucking obsessed with shit like this? If your mate tells you their family is shit, take their word for it. Goddamn.

  9. The only person who knows is him so why not talk to him? Most relationships end because they don't communicate with each other about what they feel. So talk to him. Only he can give you the right answer.

  10. They sound pretty damn rude and blatant about it. Since they act different during their alone time with you, you may be able to talk to them separately about this. But I would also strongly consider changing room mates.

  11. Thank you. I’m just unsure of whether I should give him time to prove he can handle it maturely on his own or step in and make it clear I’m not accepting this friendship. Or if for now it’s sufficient to just be vocal and direct with my feelings on the matter, but still allow him time to solve it himself.

    I just feel like he isn’t going to tell me if she keeps texting him all of the time without me asking about it, in order to avoid confrontation with me. But then it makes me feel like I’m the one bringing in the conflict since I’m bringing it up?

  12. There are more problems in your relationship than it's worth. Just to highlight them all for you.

    today I was going through his phone

    he lied to me

    I honestly am super hurt

    I’m afraid to confront him

    he’ll become sneakier than before

    In conclusion….this probably isn't the relationship for either of you! It's a shitty relationship.

  13. There are more problems in your relationship than it's worth. Just to highlight them all for you.

    today I was going through his phone

    he lied to me

    I honestly am super hurt

    I’m afraid to confront him

    he’ll become sneakier than before

    In conclusion….this probably isn't the relationship for either of you! It's a shitty relationship.

  14. He sounds controlling, domineering and is trying to isolate you. You're doing nothing wrong. He's also gaslighting you by saying you're not a good wife. Trying to make him happy will lead to your unhappiness. I'm not telling you to divorce him, I'm saying you should continue to stand up for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. He may actually realize that he's wrong. On the other hand he may not, but if you try and keep pleasing him you WILL be miserable. Good luck.

  15. soooo long story short, she went on a then a second one..sure sounds like she is interested…real hot to tell your time line, from your post about all the 'drying up'.

    how to solve your problem? well, try asking her..”hey im into you, you want to take this exclusive cuz I know most adults date multiple people at once and I am not down with that? I also require a lot of messaging during the day or I get sad. You cool with all this?”…that will clear up any confusion right then and there.

  16. I actually took her on a walk to discuss everything and she said no. She said she was caught off guard and put into the middle of something she didn't want to be a part of which I want to believe but she also felt the need to manipulate a situation and show him texts I sent her that she found to be “weird” so he would argue with me so who knows

  17. When I first saw the headline I thought he was having sex with his bio mom……oops

    Anyway, he's been cheating on you for a year. That's should be enough to kick him to the curb. He doesn't respect you and he will repswcr you even less if yiu stay because that's just telling him he can get away with it. And whether he thinks it's normal because he's a guy (which surprise it is not)doesn't matter. If it's a deal breaker for you (which it should be) then it does tmatter what he thinks. If you stay he will just continue his shenanigans with BM or someone else.

    The fact you moved in together so quickly is also a red flag. Moving that fast is never a good sign. It usually because at least one is codependent and the other is manipulative and potentially abuser.

    Love (which how can you love a guy that has zero respect for you) isn't enough to make a relationship work. And clearly the feeling aren't mutual otherwise he wouldn't be cheating on you. Take of those rose colored glasses and open your eyes. Unless of course you like to be cheated on and disrespected

  18. Does she need a restraining order on you? Save her the time and report to your local police station to organize one.

  19. Why is him wanting to hold you more important than your comfort?

    You are starting to dread him putting his arm around you. If he can't get over his attitude and realise who this actually hurts, then find someone else who will.

    You will have to deal with this discomfort for the rest of your life, if you stay.

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