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Amelia, y.o.
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Date: October 19, 2022
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She’s also going for a swim with people who consent to seeing whatever they might see briefly while she’s getting in/out the pool and understand it isn’t meant to be sexual. There’s just no legit comparison.
TL;DR: I MIGHT be able to offer some insight as to what's going on in your wife's head. Unfortunately, it's complicated, and I can't summarize it. But the actual practical advice is in the last 2 paragraphs.
I don't know that it's fair of her to re-draw these boundary lines without making it clear where you stand. And while it sounds like she did become uncomfortable and need you to stop, it also sounds like you DID stop, and she was able to avoid a full-blown episode. So I'm not sure criticizing you for not knowing what it's like to be in her shoes was the best way she could have handled that, even in the moment.
However, I'm going to take a guess at this, being a PTSD patient and survivor of abuse myself. I have very little practical advice for you, and I apologize, but maybe my perspective will help you understand where she's at, and maybe that will help you find solutions.
It seems like she's made some huge progress lately and is finally able to enjoy these acts with you in a way she wasn't able to before – but don't be fooled. This is decades-old trauma, and it's not getting better all at once. My guess is that she's finding herself okay with these things in these little moments here and there, and she wants to take advantage of that as it happens. But she has experienced these little moments of bravery before, and she knows they don't last – recovery isn't a straight line. So, as of right now, and until she says otherwise, you can never assume she's okay with any of these things unless she tells you, then and there – or physically makes you do it. If I'm right about this, she should have told you that. But I have a guess as to why she didn't.
Often, when I notice progress in my recovery, I immediately panic and wish I hadn't noticed. The traumatized brain is such a fragile thing sometimes. It feels like I'm made of glass and could shatter from a light breeze. I don't want to figure out why it got better, I don't want to draw any attention to it, I don't even want to know it happened. It's kind of like the concept of jinxing a good thing by pointing it out, except it feels much more real than that. I'd actually compare it to doing a repetitive task on autopilot, then messing up when you start thinking about it. If your wife has been feeling this way, then she is following her impulse in the moment – but then panicking and trying to bury it before it can get screwed up. It's not the responsible thing to do, but it is a very understandable instinct for self-preservation.
Going to therapy can kind of be the same way. She's been in therapy before, so she has an idea of what it can do for her. She's been dealing with this all her life, so she thinks she knows whether that would be helpful. It's never a bad idea, but it is a scary one, and I have to admit it's not ALWAYS as helpful as you want it to be. What if you unearth all the buried stuff and you're not strong enough to work through it? Then it will just be worse. If your wife feels like she's made of glass, then therapy sounds like carrying the glass one-handed over your head through a strong wind.
So… if your wife is anything like me, this might give you a window into her head. And if not, then take the one piece of actual advice I buried up there: never assume it's okay for you to give her oral, hold her wrists, or anything else she told you not to do. Wait for her to tell you or “make” you. That seems to be the boundary here, even if she should have communicated better about it.
Also… don't feel like you have to do things with her that you don't want to, just because she's open to it in that moment. If she's trying to make you go down on her and it's uncomfortable, stop her. Your consent is every bit as important as hers, and it's not something to make concessions on.
Thanks for this input. I’m down to just be friends with her and not have any sex or anything, she’s the one that initiated everything from the start. I just wish she could’ve communicated with me about how she was feeling at least. I’ll just cut my losses and keep moving forward
This is honestly such a great answer – really thanks for your thoughts!
I guess the big problem for myself is to accept that I can't be all her anchor-points. Well, I can't compete with her parents obviously but the best friends my brain tells me I should be able to.
Maybe because I view myself as her romantic partner as well as her best friend? And that could be the reason I feel hurt when she choses friends over me? Any elaborate input on that matter how I can overcome my perception on that case?
I see. It’s been 3 months now though and we still only casually see eachother. Some factors of why are busy schedules and a possibility of traveling for a couple months this summer (separately). Wondering if this is a bad sign or not.
Is there something you're trying to imply? Not being sarcastic or snarky. Please be direct. It's hot to read tone and intent just through text. Just say what you mean.
Let them make their own damn Tinder. I think she takes you for a fool.
Now I can't say I relate since I've been dumped by every girl I've ever been with, haven't dumped one myself. But, maybe you should call up your friends and have a guys night out. Or get invested into your job if you have one, or invested in your hobbies
Because that is commonly how bacterial infections happen. It’s through new bacteria introduced to the system or a buildup of bad bacteria bc of poor hygiene. It can be other things but most of the time it’s from the area being introduced to an unsanitary environment. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Some people are so sensitive to it that it’ll happen regardless of hygiene. It really just depends on your body