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Vika, 99 y.o.
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Date: October 23, 2022
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Absolutely right, I made excuses to stay in the friend group. Allowed myself to be in those situations. I’ll def be telling my partner all that .
Yes, he is continuing to dig at it. And in my 45 years of life, if you dig at something long enough, it will fester and become an issue.
It's not like he hasn't had a conversation. He's asked her what happened and he doesn't accept that explanation.
I don't know what he expects others to do for him. We weren't there and can't tell him if she's telling the truth. If that's correct, then he needs to end it and move on.
I do know that if he tries to continue the relationship, while this festers, he may start to become reactive to any man around her and direct his frustrations at her since he fundamentally isn't sure of her in this situation.
His continued questions are an answer to a question he's implying: should I stay? If you can't trust someone than it doesn't matter if they tell you the truth, you won't believe that. It's just best to move on. He seems highly reactive, though, so may want to do some work/therapy around this stuff, so he can choose how much energy to spend on following a thread of thinking. After a bit, it becomes toxic. Either you accept the explanation or you don't. Choose. Don't hyperfocus on it.
These type of issues are not issues that reddit can solve.
I’m not defending her cheating (if this is indeed the case). I’m saying you should look at the person as a whole, all their choices. She seems like a loving mother and wife. If this was just one mistake…idk. I personally might forgive it and move on (though you never know).
You keep saying “this marriage is over” but like…that’s not your call. You seem almost opposed to the idea that they might reconcile.
Sorry if I think it’s a bit extreme to ruin an entire happy family over one mistake. Also you did ignore that I said it’s very likely she didn’t know OP was not biologically the husband’s. This was likely a shock to her too.
She didn’t treat him terribly, from the info we have they were great together. If she did cheat, the cheating and lying about it were 100% wrong. It’s really up to the husband whether they’re forgivable, it’s not up to us.
Is it an option to change it and just not tell her? This doesn’t seem like a very important detail honestly in your relationship so maybe you could make peace by simply hiding it.
I don't really say that based on the original posts information. How are they “like a couple?”
Re-reading my response now really sounds like I was writing to myself at 19, giving myself this love that I was seeking in men at the time, and now that this realization has come full circle I think we both benefited from it.
It might be naked to do in the moment, but if you imagine what your older self would tell you in this (or any) situation feels like medicine enough. I should also take this advice myself now, what would my 40 year old self tell me today.
Letting go can be tough, and not to discount difficult experiences as ones we should avoid for wisdom's sake, but I see now that self-compassion and patience are just as valuable, if not more.
Best of luck in your future dating endeavors girl.
Oh hell yeah it hurt so much, so I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I went to work the next day and was immediately asked by my boss if I was OK. I cried and said no, and was told it was OK for me to go home if I needed to.
Time heals, be gentle with yourself, you'll get through this. But understand that regardless of the reasons why he left, he left because of him and how he was feeling