When my wife and I were having our first son I asked her if she wanted to be a stay at home mom. I certainly didnt force her to do anything, I just wanted her to have that option since she didnt like the idea of our kids going to daycare.
She wanted to continue working though and continue both her career and build her retirement.
I would argue the vast majority of people probably have healthy relationships and you just dont hear about the good healthy discussions surrounding these choices because that doesnt make the news.
If something happened 10 years ago & I have apologized, what else is needed?
A change in behavior. The discontinuing of the offensive behavior.
If your husband is still bringing these old things up, it's possible he's doing that to show the PATTERN of behavior over the years, to try and show that maybe you haven't changed and improved your behavior. Maybe you're still treating him this way.
Value, your GF's belief that you must be frequently lying to her cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. It may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your GF, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) — often making you feel like you're “walking on eggshells,” as you say. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.
Value, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
Are you having sex with this person?
When my wife and I were having our first son I asked her if she wanted to be a stay at home mom. I certainly didnt force her to do anything, I just wanted her to have that option since she didnt like the idea of our kids going to daycare.
She wanted to continue working though and continue both her career and build her retirement.
I would argue the vast majority of people probably have healthy relationships and you just dont hear about the good healthy discussions surrounding these choices because that doesnt make the news.
Sounds like … you played yourself?
No worries. Calling out when your boundaries are being crossed gets easier to do the more you do it.
If something happened 10 years ago & I have apologized, what else is needed?
A change in behavior. The discontinuing of the offensive behavior.
If your husband is still bringing these old things up, it's possible he's doing that to show the PATTERN of behavior over the years, to try and show that maybe you haven't changed and improved your behavior. Maybe you're still treating him this way.
Value, your GF's belief that you must be frequently lying to her cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. It may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your GF, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) — often making you feel like you're “walking on eggshells,” as you say. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.
Value, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
Why did you have to move out why not him instead?
Yes but now you are single and you don't go but when you are in a relationship you go?