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brendan, 24 y.o.
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Date: November 6, 2022
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I (M45) am really worried about my wife (F35) and I am not sure what to do. We have a 22 month old and she is a SAHM but works about 8 hours a week. I work full time. About 6 months ago she started leaving the house for hours at a time and not telling me when she would be home. I would call, and she would be sitting on her phone somewhere in nature with a smoke trying to relax. She would say she was coming home, but she wouldn’t show up for a few hours. Gradually she quit helping around the house to the point where basically she just does the minimal with the baby. I drop the baby off at daycare in the morning and she picks her up at noon. After the baby goes to sleep, I am not sure what happens around the house. When I get home from work she spends at least 50% of her time in the washroom vaping and browsing Reddit alone. I don’t think she realizes how much time passes when she is on Reddit. I have asked her not to vape in the house – she just doesn’t care anymore, but she does stay in the washroom. She has started going out by herself a few nights a month to drink and blow off steam. She doesn’t get drunk, but I am pretty sure she is near the limit. It isn’t abnormal for her to come home at 4 am. She isn’t talking to friends and family much. When she is focused on the baby, she is a wonderful mother. She isn’t functioning as a wife. It feels like living with a teenager.
Just as a side, she was diagnosed with ADHD earlier in the year, and is now on a stimulant. When the baby was born, she was also put on thyroid medication. The pregnancy was ok, but the birth was traumatic. She was in counselling after the birth, but I don’t think they covered post-partum issues. I was home during the pandemic with her during the first year or so, however, she says that I didn’t help enough. I remember helping with everything. She says during this time that she needed help, and I was not there. It was a tough time and I did my best. Literally I am responsible for most things in the household. She will rarely tidy up, never cleans, and rarely cooks. She used to do these things.
My new concern is this:
She recently told me that she is being cyber bullied by multiple people on reddit, and her accounts have been hacked. The hackers may have some questionable material on her. She won’t show me screenshots of the conversations. The screenshots I do see, they look like normal messages. She says that the hackers with her personal material never outright say what they are going to do with the material, but they constantly hint using keywords and cryptic messages. She picks out individual words from random subreddits and believes that they are messages to bully her. Somehow the next item is connected as well.
She believes that this health care worker she met earlier in the year whom she “made a connection with and said she loves to some degree” or someone impersonating this guy or his wife is communicating through code on different subreddits. This entity also knows deeply private things about her that only she would know. She spends her time in the washroom trying to decode the messages from this person. Her notebook to do this looks like something out of the movie Beautiful Mind. She believes that this guy needs her help in some way and he is in some kind of trouble. She has admitted that she wanted to get physical with him, but nothing happened. Numerous times she went out to try to meet with him after receiving messages, but he never shows up. At night, she will stay up late into the night spending her time on Reddit trying to decode messages and reading subreddits looking for clues. She really was convinced that this guy just happened to find her on Reddit. She thinks that he hacked her somehow.
Because of all this activity and the ADHD, she rarely gets up with the baby. (who doesn’t sleep well) I want her to sleep as well, so I carry the load. She is at a point where everything she sees could be a message. On Saturday she received a Christmas emailer from the organization and was convinced that there was a hidden message embedded in it. In the middle of the night she has mentioned that she thinks the people she is talking to are the devil. She has mentioned that she feels like this experience is important to her life’s journey. She thinks this guy needs her help. She thinks that she is being tested and her soul is dying somehow. Our home life is obviously suffering through this. I ask her to leave Reddit, but that just pisses her off and she snaps and goes into the washroom for an hour. I am being patient because I have no other choice. I love her and she is the mother of my child. When she is switched on, everything is good. This is becoming more rare every day. I leave work to check on her several times a week and thankfully her mom is regularly present to help with the baby.
Yesterday, after getting her permission, I messaged the health care worker, and he has no idea of the situation, and doesn’t even know what Reddit is. She didn’t want to contact him from her phone, as “the hackers may be listening.” I am pretty sure that he has no idea of her infatuation with him, and the fact that he is being impersonated by someone on Reddit just to manipulate her.
I believe she may have been hacked, however, I don’t believe she is making the right connections with actually what is going on. I ask for proof and screenshots and she gets really angry when I give my opinion. I tell her straight out that her interpretation of the elements just do not make sense. She wants to stay on Reddit to try to figure out what is going on, and what information the hackers have on her. In terms of her love for this guy, obviously that isn’t good for me. I know you are supposed to be patient with a person in this state, but I can’t keep it together.
She has been in therapy before, but I can’t convince her to go now. Her doctor seems to just want to give her sleeping pills to help with the sleep issues. I am pretty sure she isn’t telling the doctor the whole story.
I am basically just riding this wave, but it seems to be escalating. How the hell do I help her? The situation is overwhelming and I am not sure what to do. Leaving reddit and concentrating on being a mother would be an obvious start. I have started counselling over this mess – I really don’t have any other moves. Maybe she was hacked, maybe this guy is lying. Maybe post partum psychosis. Depression for sure. What do I do from here on in? She won’t get help.
She’s already gone
you cant tell me I dont love her just cause we argued once.
You dont know what we have been through together..
Haha yeah that is true. At least it is done somewhat tastefully. I also really appreciate how the “father” is the main cook of the “family” instead of the usual housewife stereotype.
I think what's happening is your brain is about to be finished developing (not trying to be rude just factual) and you're realizing you're no longer benefitting from this relationship. What used to feel mature and exciting now feels limiting and dreadful and the boring side of safe. He's ready to start “settling down” because that's his stage in life. He's jealous that you want to go out and make new friends because he knows what he would want at your age. In 3 years, would you be willing to date a guy you connected with if you found out he was only 18 and still living with family? You can say you approached him and he wasn't sure about things all you want, but he still chose to pursue things. Any appropriate adult would've “Noped” out of there.
Start prioritizing yourself and keep a good eye on any contraception because this is exactly the type of situation where you'd end up baby trapped and really feeling like you can't leave. (You still could; it would just be way more difficult.) If he cared about you more than about what he wanted, he would want you to experience life so you didn't end up with regrets or resenting him for stealing your youth.
Why can't you take a year to live on your own? The only reason is because you might realize you don't want to be in such a serious relationship right now. He doesn't want you seeing other options.
You're going to do what you want, but you'll save yourself some time and stress if you learn from lessons other people have already lived.
This happens so much when it comes to discussing sexual fantasies. It can be rough to deal with. Remember, it's just a silly fantasy, it's not something she actually wants or intends to do. It's likely not even about the specific friends, this type of fantasy is more about her being submissive to you sexually, wanting to be showed off by you to your friends, like “look how amazing and hard my girlfriend is and how good she is at taking cock”, it's not really about them, it's about performing for you. Still you're totally valid in feeling a bit shit about it but it's likely those feelings will fade sooner rather than later. Have some really awesome sex together, tell her to tell you how much she loves you/wants only you etc while you guys are getting down, you'd be surprised how much that'll help. Good luck dude.
Make sure you make a life for yourself before seriously including someone else.
She had her doctorate in the wall! And yes she actually did hear me. We talked about this issue and I had mentioned my having PTSD. We then looked into that and I explained some things from my past. She then asked him about his life and family and explained to him that me having my trust broken over and over again by the people that love me most. Having a borderline mother and a narcissist father and blah blah blah. Made me constantly be in survival mode. And he built me up with a few of the lies and broke my self-worth. And how he was once soothing for me, but now us just another thing in my life that I’m having to question and defend myself against. And how coming from two parents that love him and are still caring for him, he could never ever even begin to understand my side of things.
I’ll have to take a look at what mine says again. When I first checked it said all sterilization, but in fine text it excluded elective sterilizations? Either way it’s not gonna happen for me for a while- my parents don’t approve and I live! with them since I can’t afford a place to stay and school at the same time.
It sounds like she wants to get back together, she's not over you. Think about your boundaries (lengths you're willing to compromise) and needs you have . You didn't sound like she made it one sided, so you both might just need a great big talk to set this right ?