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Languages: en
Birth Date: 1997-09-27
Body Type: bodyTypeAverage
Ethnicity: ethnicityWhite
Hair color: hairColorBlonde
Eyes color: eyeColorBlue
Subculture: subcultureGlamour
Date: October 12, 2022
I get why it’s hard to understand how someone could not know they were gay. You probably assume that because your sexuality was pretty clear to you that it should be obvious to others and that makes sense considering the society we grow up in. I can shed some light on this I think, because OP’s wife’s situation happened to me. I was married to a man when I figured out I was a lesbian. How could I not know? Because from the moment you’re born, you’re assumed to be and treated as if you’re heterosexual. It’s good assumption because 90% of the time, it’s correct. But that other 10% of the time…
Think about the frequency and duration of heterosexual messages we receive from birth. Baby boys are “flirting” if they smile at a woman. Baby girls’ parents are told they’ll need a shotgun to keep the boys away. Friends have opposite gender babies or young children around the same age “maybe they’ll get married one day.” If you’re in elementary school and friends with someone of the opposite gender, they’re your “little boyfriend.” In middle school, all the pairing up starts. This boy likes this girl and this girl likes this boy. Since everyone has always assumed you’d be heterosexual, you have that assumption, too. You have no idea that they’re feeling something different from you because it’s more about peer pressure at that point. You’ve seen hundreds of thousands of heterosexual relationships everywhere since the day you were born. They’re all around you in your life and tv, movies, commercials, and so on. Sure, there are some gay relationships in the media and perhaps a same sex couple in your orbit somewhere, but you don’t see them act like a couple 99% of the time. No kissing, holding hands, etc., because then they’re given a “mature audiences” warning. If someone at school has “two moms”, they don’t act like a couple at the school fundraiser because “you can’t do that in front of children”. You don’t see lesbian couples walking in the mall holding hands because they’re potentially risking their lives if they do. If you do see it, those around you treat it like it’s scandalous and something they shouldn’t be doing. Yes, even today. When you develop an attraction to someone of the same gender, that person is assumed to be your best friend by you and everyone around you because you simply don’t have the framework to see it as anything else. Most people don’t have overt sexual fantasies at 10, 11, 12 and it never occurs to you because, well, you have no basis for it. That person you have a crush on? You don’t know it’s a crush. Everyone talks about how you guys are best friends and so you think everyone feels this way about their best friend; wanting to spend time with them all the time, talking, texting, and so on. Physical affection? Girls show a ton! They’ll hug and touch and sleep snuggled up with each other. So the desire to do that isn’t different from the people around you. The way many girls and women act with their closest friends is hard to distinguish from a romantic relationship. Those friendships can be very intimate. Boys/men are rarely unaware of their sexuality for numerous reasons but with girls/women, there’s no erection happening to give us an overt sign that there’s something else going on. When everyone starts talking about kissing and sexual things in middle school, it’s always male/female, or if it’s not, it’s treated as weird, either explicitly or implicitly. Kissing your “best friend” or the cute cheerleader doesn’t even occur to you and if it does, by high school you’ve learned that curiosity is normal and doesn’t really mean anything. I think all people think about what it would be like to be the opposite gender but I don’t think most people think, “I must be transgendered.” It’s perfectly normal to think about those things. Sexual thoughts about the same gender don’t even occur to you because you don’t even have a concept of what two women would do sexually since you’ve only been exposed to heterosexual imagery and messages about sex. Maybe some porn? But good lord, that doesn’t seem like anything you’d want to do since it’s made to appeal to men. The sexual attraction that you finally recognize as such should be the tip off, right? But plenty of people – most people according to research – have had some attraction to someone of the same gender, enjoyed porn with the same gender, fantasies, dreams, or whatnot even if they have no desire to act on them. It’s very easy to assume that’s what’s happening. It takes a very long time and a lot of insight to undo the years of “default heterosexual programming” that everyone around you has inadvertently engaged in since the day you were born.
If you look at the number of heterosexual messages vs. homosexual messages around you for a couple of days, you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. If you made it through this novel, I hope it helps you understand how being gay can fly under the radar for so long.
Or instead of sitting him down, sit down on him
It sounds like she felt they were in a relationship as well with the guilt she expressed.
I agree. But I also think I need no boyfriend haha. I’m in school/working full time and in therapy. I think I’m just gonna vibe with my cat for a while.
Right? I told them this is something we can overcome– I just think they were pissed about how much was spent and how he kept it a secret from me
Yeah, if your boyfriend can't immediately see through this and dismiss it when/if your friend brings it up, it's going to be an indicator of much bigger problems to come in the relationship. How he handles this kind of bizarre accusation will be a good sign of how he'll handle routine, everyday hiccups that arise.
Or tell the truth in the 3 years since!
dumb her asap
No I feel like you’re missing my point a little bit I’m not saying I don’t do that I’m just saying if it bothered him I would be considerate enough to stop doing something that bothered my partner in a relationship I’m just saying he can’t do that and I’m just curious why not