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Date: October 28, 2022
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Ok but she wasn't muted so it isn't the friends fault.
That’s more than obvious. I would tell her that she can choose to deflect this fact and be in denial but in that case you will be leaving. There’s no coming back from this if she continues to act like she’s not doing anything wrong. Her mindset is the problem, not the actually thing itself. Shows no respect for you and your relationship.
thank you, that is very wise advice. although ive never felt that heart pounding bit LOL
You're getting enough grief from everyone, so I will just give you my thoughts. It's terrible what you did but ask yourself if you would want to know. That in itself should answer your questions.
Nah just gave birth a few months ago
This is what I do: just sit really quietly and breathe, do it for as long as you need to until you feel calm again. Don't try and “think positive” let your thoughts go where they need to go, think through everything, multiple times if necessary but make sure you keep breathing. If I do this long enough I find my centre and stop having a panic response.
I’m so sorry that’s hard. I do think friends and family can offer valuable insight from outside of the relationship. When we’re in it or thinking of a future relationship we’re willing to put on blinders and set aside the red flags for the hope of happiness. You’re friends and family care about you and saw how that hurt you. It sucks but I would really hear out their concerns.
No I wasn't really aware of that. But, thank for enlightening me 🙂
okay thanks also i private messaged you
So in short this man has: never taken into account your sexual needs, doesn’t clean up after himself, has had to lean on you financially AND he’s 13 years your senior. Girl, this man doesn’t give a shit about you. He shacked up with you because you’re young and will put up with his bullshit. You really want to spend the rest of your life playing bang-maid for a man who should be able to take care of himself? Leave him, it’s better to lose three years than to lose the rest of your life by marrying this man child
Agreed. I need to talk to her ASAP. And yeah she is a bit shitty because she doesn't cheat but talks about the guys who still have feelings for her. And some of those guys also have girlfriends so it's fucked up. And no, they barely see each other. He travels a lot and wasn't in the city for over a year.
I will talk to him as well. I agree with the bro/girl code and I feel bad but it's something the three of us should discuss.
Was I supposed to tell her when we started texting or when he asked me out?
I think your wife needs therapy. As great as it is that you found a solution regarding chess, it won't make her feelings of feeling less loved by her son magically go away. Same goes for her feelings of jealousy and having to compete with you.
Chess was her way of compensating, of having one thing to bond with her child over that she didn't let you have. But there are still all the other things left where she feels your son prefers you.
As such, I strongly recommend that she gets individual therapy (to work through her feelings) and that you two also get couples counselling so that you can both work on a shared strategy when it comes to parenting. Otherwise, I fear those feelings of hers will still grow and she might become more and more jealous/resentful and it will damage both your marriage and her relationship with her son.
Your wife needs help and a lot more than just playing chess with her son gives her. That's just a band-aid over a giant wound. The fact that she hit you, no matter how much you want to gloss over it, shows how much resentment and emotional pain there already is.
If you have wildly differing political views, I don't see how this will work.
Based on what I have personally experienced and observed, people who are Conservative/Right-Leaning (more specifically, far-right) tend to be very “traditional”. They like the “Status Quo” and are against anything that challenges that. Those people are also fixed-mindset types. They aren't interested in learning about the experiences of others, and lack empathy & understanding and their views don't change.
That is the antithesis of everything that I believe in, and personally, I don't have anything to do with them.
However, I have also met people who are right leaning, but more moderate in their views. They have a slightly more “growth” mindset, they are more understanding and tolerant, and are prepared to lend their support to what might be considered “progressive” causes. I tend to tolerate those people in small doses, but I don't let them too close.
If you aren't prepared to throw away the relationship just yet, it might be worthwhile exploring just how different your views are, and working out if in general he is someone who has a fixed or growth mindset. If it turns out that he is someone who is a “moderate conservative” (I guess you could call it), has a growth mindset and is prepared to live and let live, then this might work.
Fear of a divorce is no reason to stay…. You deserve MUCH better OP.