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sexicanela99 chat
Date: October 10, 2022
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yes you're correct and i realize how petty i'm being. thing is, last year i was getting a lot of shit because i cooked my own food and brought it to dinner (i'm vegetarian, have been for years) as there wasn't an option without meat planned. there never is, at any gathering. then there were many occasions my siblings were visiting (we rarely see each other nowadays) and i got shit for not being there when no one told me they would be around.
and honestly, the reason i'm so mad about my mom including her bf's daughter so desperately is because she's constantly referring to his family as her “new family”. goes on and on about how she's got stuff planned with “the whole family” when none of my siblings or i are invited.
i've moved out years ago but no one has ever visited me at my apartments. not even asked to. if i don't call them, i hear nothing from them for months.
it's not actually about christmas, but being an afterthought for years and years. like no one even really cares. so yes i'm extremely petty about this but i also kinda think that if they actually wanted me there, wouldn't they at least show it in some way?
Yeah i saw that. Thanks to OP for traumatizing Amy. Apparently it wasn't enough for her that her brother already did it, i hope Amy and her bf will go no contact with op and her disgusting brother.
Did I say anything about that? No, I didn’t. I’m just saying there’s usually a reason for it, and as a woman, working full time and a mother, I can sympathise. It’s nude going, we’re hormonal, we struggle with mum guilt etc. not once did I slate OP.
Ouch. That is nude.
I hope that they are getting help with their trauma so that they do not have a repeating patern of this type of experience.
You are doing what you can in giving them space if that is what they've requested of you. But it is not your fault that they tripped over a “land mine” left by a previously abusive relationship. Their friend was way out of line going off on you. But just because you did not intend harm, does not mean that harm may not have been experienced. Which sucks.
Those of us who have trauma must be responsible for addressing it. We must communicate with our partners as we discover what brings up our trauma responses. No one's a mind reader. Sometimes, sadly , we find out what our trauma responses are by tripping over them. And that sucks so much.
But when we do find them ,we need to communicate with our partners about what is happening and what it looks like, if we know beforehand, when we're in distress. For instance, I'll get quiet and go fetal when in distress. I let my partners known this.
We should not place blame on our current partners for our previous experiences. Especially if we shut down and are incapable of voicing our needs in the moment. If shutdown is a response we experience, it's a really good idea to negotiate with our partners before sex of any sort takes place. This is not foreplay either – a clear non-charged discussion of our needs is important. Because you have a history of being sexually assaulted – that will give you a reason to do this yourself on your own behalf. Doing so may make an opportunity for them to share with you as well.
It is not your fault that this happened. You did not abuse them – you did not assault them. They did not communicate with you that there was anything wrong until after the fact. At which point it is incredibly difficult for you to do anything to help them, except to be supportive of them and follow their lead on what they need.
There are so many people with sexual and relationship trauma- as a survivor yourself, I'd advise that you let your partners know that you do have a history of having been sexually assaulted, and disclose to partners if you know what may cause you to experince difficulties.
As an example, I tell partners that I've a history of sexual as a asault, rape and incest. I've done a lot of work to get to a place where i am not overly burdened by these experiences.. but to please do a few things for me:
No oscillating fans. 2. I do not tuck in sheets at the bottom of the bed. If this is a must for them, we will need to arrange to sleep separately. 3. Say my name if I seem slow to respond or appear to be less than fully present. 3. If I flinch, please check in with me verbally. 4. I am always happy to give verbal or hand signals. 5. My favorite word is yes. If a partner says yes to me, I will endavourto continue doing whatever I'm doing, the same way I'm doing it, for as long as I am told yes. If i say yes- then all is well. Please keep doing that! 6. If I am in distress of any sort- and i am having difficulty being verbal for whatever reason. I will tap rapidly with my hands or feet on them, or any available surface (the bed, wall, or whatever) Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap! This means I need to check in. Now.
I don't need to do a deep dive into my previous trauma- in fact I really don't want to as a lead up to interacting sexually. But I find feeling safe and cared for by my partners and making sure they know how to show care for me is very freeing.
You may want to consider finding a therapist who can help you make decisions on how to address the circumstances you find yourself in, your feelings of guilt, and to help you find a path forward, so that you can at least attempt to have some sort of resolution so that you can both engage socially with your mutual support network. They may also be able to help you navigate moving forward as far as how to address this socially amongst your friend group as well. Hope some of this helps.
How sad, you poor thing. I think it was wrong to push you through with the wedding. Your grief must be insurmountable and having to pretend you're happy on what's supposed to be a happy day, when you've just lost your baby, I honestly can't even imagine the sorrow and the whole head fuck of the wedding stuff. I got a bit teary reading this. I can't imagine living it. Must have been very surreal.
Massive hug from me for you. Xoxo