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Date: September 24, 2022
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Be careful with this advice. His current girlfriend is in the video and would be the victim of the crime, not him. She’s the one who’d have to deal with the police, give a statement, potentially testify, go through the court system. I’ve done this it’s why I comment. It’s not as simple as cops take the video and you guys are all good. Accusing crimes of a sexual nature can be extremely arduous and even traumatic.
Be honest with yourself; he was like this before the baby. He's always been a selfish person and you've picked up the slack for years.
He won't change.
You're better off just getting child support from him instead of him contributing to the mess.
My ex was like this. We didn't have kids but I felt like I could run a marathon with all the extra energy I had when he was gone.
I understand the other commenters’ perspectives and do agree that you shouldn’t be controlling your brother. Your husband however has a right to not want the dog in his home if it makes him uncomfortable. If he ends up not feeling comfortable with the dog in his home or around his baby, I would support that. His boundaries are just as important as your brothers.
Thanks so much
Human sexuality is complicated and almost impossible to change, people can be atracted to strange things and can be disgusted by something perfecetly normal.
If tattoos are truly your husband 'Ick', then getting one will end your relationship for sure.
Boundaries are not the same as rules. Boundaries are restrictions you place on YOURSELF. An example of this would be something like “if you're mean to me, I will remove myself from the situation because what you're saying causes me harm”.
Rules are restrictions you attempt to place on other people as a means of control. You're not crossing his boundary. You're ignoring his shitty attempt at control, and good on you for that! He can either learn to get a handle on his own insecure bullshit or date someone who enjoys dressing as modestly as he apparently “needs” women to be, but you don't have to tolerate him attempting to control what you wear.
Just feeling like maybe I should let it go. Can you give me advice about situations like lack of communication? Especially with someone you dated before?
“My wife is turning your relationship into one with physical abuse?” No. That phrasing is awkwardly and makes it sound like the physical abuse is some third entity that your wife introduced into your relationship, as opposed to a thing she is doing to you. I think that you used this awkward phrasing as a (probably subconscious) attempt to avoid blaming your wife too directly for her actions, or perhaps to avoid confronting the fact that she has actively chosen to abuse you.
So, say it with me: My wife is physically abusing me. It's important to be honest with ourselves about what's happening, especially when it concerns intimate partner violence. Wishing you the best of luck in your divorce.
It’s strange because he gave her access to the drive. I tend to believe that he actually did not remember. Ofc what he did after was idiotic.
It’s a no no to go into couples counseling with someone who is abusive. They just use counseling as a way to triangulate the victim into more abuse. They also learn to abuse more subtly, leveraging the language of therapy to be abusive.
Any decent couples therapist won’t take a couple where there is abuse. Though certain types of abuse can be harder to spot.
Sexually coercing people is a form of abuse. She’s set and explained her boundary several times. He doesn’t misunderstand her boundary. He just doesn’t care. He wants to get his rocks off and doesn’t care if it triggers her trauma. That’s not a couples issue. That’s a him being a sexual predator issue. Predator is a strong word, but he repeatedly pursues sex that traumatizes hr, so it fits.
He decided to make himself the victim in this scenario. That's unacceptable. Just because he has a past it doesn't mean he needs to keep it around where you can see it and he can relive it. They're his personal spank bank photos and videos, and he figures that because he has you trapped in a marriage with children, that he can do whatever he wants regardless of your feelings.
Saying he'll delete them if it affects you, but he won't if it doesn't, when he knows it damn well DOES affect you is a way for him to get you to question your feelings. He's saying he'll forgive you and not forget when his actions have hurt you – this is a manipulative power move. He doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He's considerably older than you. The power dynamic is much too skewed because he has some life experience that you don't have yet. It's a dangerous dynamic to be in.
You say your relationship has been fantastic until this point, but I'm sure if you were to think about it, you would find other times where he's downplayed or dismissed your feelings. There's usually a pattern, and it's often insidious for quite some time, but it's there. The problem is that you are now in the midst of of mental and emotional abuse. The honeymoon is over. I'd consider this issue a massive red flag and I'd begin the process of getting out.