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Date: October 27, 2022
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I’m sorry, but this seems like a massive overreaction to me. I am a big cat and animal lover (I consider my cat my soulmate), and I definitely think OP’s boyfriend is being a dick to the cats. He should be respecting the “no” that he’s getting and stopping the behavior that’s bothering them. But OP seems quite sure that he isn’t trying to hurt the cats and is just trying to play. And likely they’re not hurt, just annoyed. Cats come equipped with great self defense. If he was really hurting the cats, they’d let him know with violence.
Again, he’s being a jerk and he should be respecting the cats’ boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that he’s going to hurt the cats as punishment, it doesn’t mean he’s dangerous, and (while I’m hoping you’re not being literal here) it doesn’t justify OP getting physical with him.
Talk to her and point some valid points across. All you have to state is how you are feeling and what you have noticed, provide solutions and see what she says.
Some valid points would be that the current living situation isn't working out because of the reasons you mentioned. One being the cooking and cleaning and the solution would be if she can do that part.
Secondly, you feel like the relationship is stagnant so make that point to her. You can ask her what's wrong and why she hasn't shown you any love or support even though you provide all these things for her including vacations. Transactional relationships do work, but you'd have to be getting something in return.
At the end of it all, you're just looking to see if she's willing to work on anything instead of providing excuses and blame. But at the same time, it also seems like you treat her as your daughter. Example, you mentioned that you don't want to add to her burden. But what burden is that? Not being able to make new friends is hardly a burden when she obviously has you. You need to start doing some of your own research to see how healthy couples function, adopting some of those habits and values isn't a bad start.
I’ve never been shady at all towards him. I am absolutely happy in my relationship so his reaction caught me off guard
I'm not sure where people are getting the idea that she's dead-set against marriage. Is there a comment I'm missing? I think I read everything OP said and I don't see that anywhere. I see that they both agreed it wasn't something they were interested in, but I didn't see her reiterate it since she got new info from him. He's def allowed to change his mind and while not telling her for a year since having done so isn't cool, its not horrific either. If he said that not getting married was a deal-breaker now then that would be messed up
OP I think you should clarify to her what you mean, if you haven't. If you feel you need to get married, then she gets to think about that and maybe break up about it, obviously. But if its not something you really feel strongly about then there are plenty of compromises in relationships.
Now, not being married and not being committed to one another are different things. I have no desire to be married, but I still want to be with my partner for the foreseeable future.
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Edit: I’ve been told that it’s important I include how we met in the OP. We originally met on a sugar dating website. I want to clarify that I never received an allowance from him, rather it was a spoiling relationship where he paid for most things and bought me gifts due to a sizeable difference in our incomes. Recently, he had to pull back on spending, and that did not change my feelings towards him at all, but there’s some extra context to how our relationship began.
I have been with my partner for almost a year and I love him so much. Our connection is so deep, we seem to be able to predict what the other needs/wants at any given moment, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this comfortable with someone. The problem is that they are extremely ignorant about social issues, and the emotional labour I have put into teaching him to be better is starting to drain me.
For context, this week alone we have had two major fights regarding sexism. Whilst I was working, a man came in and, long story short, told me I was useless because I’m a woman. When I told my partner about this, his immediate response was to laugh and say “why did you let him get to you?”. I was appalled. I have expressed to my partner multiple times that I am often discriminated against for being a woman, that I get derogatory comments regularly, and that because of the behaviour of men, simply existing as a woman can be exhausting. Yet this was his reaction to a person being outright sexist towards his partner. Not to condemn the man for his comments, but to laugh and ask why I let it get to me. We fought for an entire day before he understood that not only did he not support me, but by laughing and saying I shouldn’t get angry, he was giving the man a pass for his actions.
Yesterday, I unfortunately came across my partner’s group chat. I really wish I hadn’t. Their group chat profile pic is of two girls, one of which his friend was sleeping with more than a year ago. One of the girls is fully clothed, the other is not. I want to preface this by saying that I am all for women doing what they want with their bodies, including taking and sending nudes. The problem here is that I am certain that my partner’s friend did not have the consent of the women in the photo to be the mascot of a group chat, and that my partner allowed it to happen. I feel disrespected, not only as a partner, but as a woman, and on behalf of the women in the photo. Apparently, the photo has been the group chat pic for more than a year, so longer than we’ve been together. My partner is apologetic but says he had forgotten all about it, which is unlikely- the picture is small but visible every time he receives a message in the chat. Even though he’s apologetic, I can’t seem to get past the fact that he was complicit in allowing this photo to be used in the first place, even before he met me. Why did he think that was acceptable? I can also only imagine the comments that were made when the photo was chosen, and am filled with dread just thinking about it.
I want to know, is this the kind of behaviour that women are supposed to tolerate from cis men in this day and age? I’m seriously considering leaving my partner because I am completely appalled by his behaviour, but he is so good to me otherwise. My biggest fear is that all men are like this behind closed doors, and that leaving him will be a mistake because I’ll face the same issues no matter who I’m with.
TLDR: My partner treats me extremely well, but has been complicit in sexism. Is this a valid reason to leave?
I really wouldn’t be talking about past relationships at all with each other, unless it was very necessary in the moment. I can validate your feelings with him being your best partner because he is your current, since I feel the same way as well. At the same time though, instead of inviting conversation about people who aren’t even in your guy’s relationship, invite conversation about each other and your experiences with him. Also, I really don’t like how he answered that question either. Yes, honesty is important in relationships, but sometimes asking unnecessary things hurts a relationship. He could’ve just answered “not yet” or something… (my opinion though, it doesn’t really matter lol) stop inviting conversation about previous experiences when it has nothing to do with you.
I do live roommates and I guess because he has a big house it’s more comfortable? But he could spend the day by coming to me and hanging out with me for once now that I think about it
You're 19 and about to have 4 kids under the age of 2. That's….wow. I wish you all the best.
My heart really goes out to you. This guy sounds awful and reading this gave me a sick feeling. He treats you horribly. He is an insecure jerk who has lied and cheated and now you have children involved.
Please talk to a lawyer even if you are not married. Find out what your rights are and how to get child support.
Don't let your children grow up thinking that the way he treats you is ok. It isn't.
Would you want them to feel like you do right now? Would you want them to stay in an unhealthy relationship? Teach them what a strong woman does and stand up for yourself and leave him. On your way out get as much child support as you can.