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Gloria, 18 y.o.
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Date: December 8, 2022
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That sounds awful. I’m very sorry. There seems to be a lot of context missing, but I’m guessing that she is on a bender when she asks to stay with you (the infrequency of requests and showing up at midnight), and if that is true then your husband has valid concerns. I will say it sounds like he’s being kind of an asshole about it, but I just don’t know what kind of pressure you’re bringing and what his experiences with your sister have been like.
If she is going to crash with you, it should be a segue into reconnecting with whatever professional help she may or may not be receiving, not because she is on a bender and desperate, or going to go back to whatever she’s been doing, or continue to stay with you while rejecting professional help.
Either way I hope you and your husband have a therapist. It sounds like this is putting a lot of stress and trauma on your marriage.
Best of luck.
You clearly violated her boundaries. Let her know that you are sorry, and that you won't bring it up again. She has a completely different understanding about sex than you do, and that is probably going to be a challenging topic for both of you throughout your relationship…
I’m a bit confused by the OP because he must have realised that his wife clearly didn’t think the commitment through? He’s positioning himself as this responsible owner almost but then has failed to see the amber/red flags with his wife just picking a random dog that she thought was cute and from petland of all places
pretty much since I hit puberty, I have either jerked off or had sex every night before going to sleep
You created a habit, hence why it’s every night.
For me, it’s nude to sleep unless I get off somehow. I just end up tossing and turning, feeling horny, and eventually giving in and jerking off at like 2am.
But that’s because you are using it as a crutch at that point instead of finding other ways to fall asleep. I hear weed is an excellent choice or melatonin!
I initiated sex every night, and most nights she was willing
Uh oh! See just willing doesn’t mean she wanted the sex, it can mean obligating her self to please you because you need to get off daily. Unless she’s also initiating for sex, in the DB Reddit you find out it’s duty/obligation sex when it’s like this.
Whenever she didn’t want to, I never got upset. I just said fine and played with my phone until she fell asleep. Then, I went into the other room, watched some porn and jerked off, then went back to bed and fell asleep.
Idk, sounds like at this point it’s becoming a FAP addiction tbh. Unless you are also going to the gym six days a week with a giant sex rush.. starting to think you might have a FAP addiction.
Five years later, I still try to initiate sex every night but we are down to two to three times a week. And actually, I shouldn’t even say I try every night because most nights she preemptively says, “I don’t want to tonight” as we are going to bed.
That’s because she’s settled into the relationship and doesn’t want to obligate herself to sex anymore. She only wants to do it now when she feels like it, not because you want it. Plus it’s warning sign she doesn’t actually enjoy the sex either. I bet you’re skipping over fire play when the clothes are on and jumping straight into sex.
I’m not upset by this. I just go downstairs and jerk off after she’s asleep.
You sure cause this looks like you are instead of talking to her, you just swept it under the rug and went to go FAP it off.
My perfect ratio would be five nights sex, two nights solo
Okay but what are her needs? Have you asked her what her expectations are? Have you asked her what she desires in bed? Is she bored in bed?
I assumed she knew I was jerking off on our no sex nights because I’ve told her many times that I have to get off before I can sleep. Apparently not, because last night she woke up when I wasn’t there and came looking for me. She saw me jerking to porn and was kind of upset.
This is just a giant neon red flag! You both are oblivious! To her not remembering and you not realizing this could actually happen. Of course she’s going ti be startled by this if she FORGET!
I wasn’t even bothered by this and just casually explained I was jerking off before going to bed.
The apathy is what seals it tbh. This is right where everything is officially going super down hill!
She doesn’t want me to do this. She said it feels dirty, like I’m sneaking out to see my lover.
Ummm Op what KIND of porn were you actually jerking of to exactly? I’m thinking THIS is why she freaked out is she caught an actual glimpse of it’s a certain type kink she had no idea you were into. Don’t be surprised if it’s a specific type of porn that freaked her out to say this!
She will agree to minimum four nights a week if I stop watching porn.
Omfg! Duty sex… congrats she’s officially a human masturbation toy.
I told her no because I need to sleep seven nights a week, not four.
Ohhh a this is WHY, you basically are pressuring her into sex? This is why she’s not into sex! Dude, Op, you are wearing blinders and have a FAP addiction. The porn just throws more fuel on the fire to all of this.
And I didn’t want to force her to do things she didn’t want to.
No you said seven, not four nights of sex. You ARE FORCING HER! She either had to give you sex every night or you don’t stop masturbating. Do you not know how crazy that sounds???? You are holding her hostage to your sex drive! That’s psychotic!
She started throwing out accusations of porn addiction, sex addiction. She wants me to go to a support group, I said no.
Funny how a person outside your relationship can see you have an addiction, not to porn, but to jerking off.
She if there’s anything she can do to stop me watching porn. I said nothing other than having sex every night. She says I’m trying to blackmail her into having sex.
This is literally called coercive control, which is to force or wear down your partner into sex and if they give in, that’s not giving consent. That’s what we call r*pe. Keep that in mind Op, you are basically forcing her to have sex against her will or you keep your keeling off addiction going.
You do realize an addiction is when a person can’t go with out it for one day/night and actually interrupts everything around them and causes to hurt their loved ones because they bulldoze people people down to get their fix.
I have a difficult manual labor job and I just need to be well rested. She thinks it’s more of an addiction issue and I should be able to sleep without sex every night.
It’s called go talk to a professional. It’s more than just an addiction. It’s how you are viewing masturbation at your age and allowing it to literally control your life to the point it’s running your marriage.
Op, you have a masturbation addiction. You’re so addicted it’s alarming. But then again addicts don’t see anything wrong with their situation and will keep doing it.
This is why, no matter who you are with, whether you leave her or find someone else, you are going to never stop having this problem.
Masturbating is fine. It’s natural. I’m sex positive. Been getting off since I was 15. HOWEVER, I stopped needing to do it every night by my early 20’s because I was not needing it to function.
If you need to masturbate to function? That’s a problem at that point. It’s no longer a way to enjoy pleasure and relax. It’s no longer for euphoric reasons to slumber.
It’s because you can’t stop and won’t.
And the more you are in denial about this, the higher of a chance you’ll have a DeadBedroom and zero sex for MONTHS and end up divorcing each other.
Time to go seek a professional sex therapist who specializes in sex addictive issues. And sex addiction also means masturbating addictions too.
Love you buddy. Let me know if you need help.
You really need to relax and let it go. You cannot analyze their speeches as if they are professional speech writers. I have given multiple groomsman speeches and multiple best men speeches and I have never once actually written anything down. Everything is on the spot improved with references to long past, recent past and present. So you really should just let it go
Wait, so an “Is this guy trash” group is real?
OP -Yes, you should tell her. And I say this because she might be recognized by others and well, that could turn into a mess if she believes you are caught unaware.
So talk with her about it, take as much time as you need. I assume you don't care about her past, so let her know that YOU know, and if it ever comes up, you can both deal with it. Instead of just one.
I've been where you are. I'd recommend finding a couples counselor but also separate (online apart) but not date until you talk to a therapist.
But start living apart. You'll be happier whether you get back together or not.
I'm sorry your going through this and that he violated the terms of your agreement big I can't help but think that in that lifestyle you have to be prepared for the possibility of things like this happening.
You don't sue for extortion . Extortion is a criminal act. You have him arrested.