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Big squirt [Multi Goal]
Date: October 17, 2022
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Legally you know what you need to do, so I want to quick touch on emotional/mental side.
1) Your world has been turned upside down. Your brother, a person you could trust (and maybe even trusted enough that you would have let him raise your son if you died) – has shown you he is not who you thought he is and is not trustworthy. That's a huge, damaging, life-changing blow. That's going to take some time to process and come to terms with. It's normal for your brain to try and rationalize this, ok? It's absolutely normal. You gotta keep fighting through that, because it's easy for instinct to kick in and figure out how it's “not as bad” as it feels.
2) As bad as this feels for you, this will inflict a world of mental hurt on your kid. (You still need to report your brother to the police). Just make sure that you're thinking of things from your kid's point of view, and helping him navigate this. An adult he trusted, who “gets him”, who no doubt made him think this is supposed to be normal, suddenly has that adult charged/arrested/etc. To him it might feel like what was happening is no big deal, so why is uncle in jail? He doesn't want him in jail, he didn't choose this, now he feels guilty because he 'ratted' his uncle out. He might feel shame, he might feel guilt, he might feel anger, he might feel confusion, he might feel ALL OF THE THINGS. He will likely feel major grief losing his uncle. You need to report to the police to protect your kid, and sometimes protecting your kids hurts them because they don't understand yet. Have a unified plan on this. You and your wife need to talk to an emergency therapist ASAP, to come up with a plan to help your son navigate this in the most healthy ways possible.
3) Do not let the uncle talk to your kid, ever again. Consider every possible form of contact he has – it might be more than Discord. If allowed, the Uncle WILL make you the bad guys, will probably heap guilt on your kid, and make recovery from this way worse. AND any family members who are a risk of talking to your kid and making you and your wife out to be the bad guys/over-reacting. The only ones with any access, even supervised, to your kid – are ones who are fully on your side. In the short term, you need to make certain that your kid is getting only positive reinforcement that he did nothing wrong, the uncle was wrong, and you are so proud of him that he told you the truth. Probably with a side that sexual stuff/puberty is completely normal and healthy, it's perfectly healthy to start having sexual urges at his age, and this is all about the fact it is not healthy or appropriate for an adult to share sexual images, touches, or fantasies with a child. You and his mom are there for questions, to help him know how to keep himself healthy, how important consent is (both his and a partner's), but safe adults only act or share sexually with other consenting adults. His uncle has shown he is not safe like you and his mom thought he was.
I get that. I didn’t even consider that it could possibly be fantasy talk, I jumped to conclusions and thought he was trying to make me feel jealous by telling me what he likes in other women. He has sent me a message before that said “I need a thicc mommy goth girlfriend” lol, so I guess I’m insecure because I feel that I can’t provide what he wants, which is why I get confused when he tells me that he loves me as I am.
I will take on board your points and make sure I don’t just shut down the conversation next time. I reacted the way I did because I won’t allow myself to be disrespected, though it appears I may have taken it the wrong way.
Thank you 🙂
LOL say this to him. “I need a proper yes or no answer those are not cutting it for me.” If he wont answer then you have your answer. But no not cheating if he wont have the exclusivity talk.
Unfortunately it is.
I'll have more energy to funnel into future studies so I have that to look forward to. Thank you for your words.
If I understand you correctly, he felt you purposely got pregnant, right? And then instead of giving you the ring, bought you an apartment. Hmm. Sounds like he didn’t want to get married, and only did so out of obligation. And why did he buy you an apartment? I don’t want to believe it’s just out of the goodness of his heart. He probably wanted to keep you as his baby mama. I could be wrong, but so many things you’ve described about your husband seems wrong.
Dude, she knows she's full of shit. You know she's full of shit.
She's not going to admit it though.
I understand the desire to have her take ownership of exactly what she did but she has decided to lie and obfuscate instead. That is a deliberate choice on her end. No amount of talking is going to make her into someone who feels remorse and tries to make amends.
This isn't an issue of understanding or communication. You're looking for her to own up to what she did and be honest because you're willing to take any scrap of honor as a sign you might be able to work things out. She has no interest in being honest.
You can either lower the bar for reconciliation until it's low enough for her to stumble over it, or you can acknowledge that your wife is choosing her actions and use her actions, not words, to guide your path forward.
You are saying “To go forward with this relationship I need you to tell me the truth.” She is simply saying “No.”
You get to decide how you respond to that.
Chumplady is an excellent resource.
Yeah this is being taken weirdly out of context and people love to get up in arms about things like this.
You could resume the benefits but I'd suggest looking else where for long term partnership. Your friend is doing the same. Make some new friends elsewhere, particularly around your interests, and do not tell this friend about your attempts other than “I'm going out for a bit”. If anything, there's no point in being miserable over a situation that isn't in your hands.
Seeking people as partners is tough, but you are already at a disadvantage if the person you are seeking, well, is already with someone else.
Should I just explain what happened the other night.
Not romantically no. Excited about the prospect of being friends though.
thankuu sooo much ….this is such a real comment absolutely i shouldnt feel guilty of liking what i like
I am so amazed on how many people bashing me in DMs, I am either very unclear i hope this response will clarify things.
My underlying issue in this situation is built on frustrations on reoccuring situations ontop of the fact i told her I am fine and you holding his phone with colleuges around adding snap its rude i understand
But the fact my girlfriend, hours later doesnt say anything, doesnt adresss anything just randomly dms him ( I cant add back because my snap is not working/laggy) the dude had a crush in the past, probably just waits for her to add back.
Just so fucking unneccerasy. Just be honest, I've had multiple femaels tell me and friends that i use snap only for friends or boyfriend card but cant blatantly flat out reject a dude in dms why even
You are not her husband and she treats you like this now: imagine how she would treat you if/when you are married. You seem to be more like her financial backer than a respected partner. You have 11 years together yet her respect for you appears to be diminishing rather than growing. I'd be reluctant to recommend that you part but you could find couples therapy valuable before you make a commitment to marriage. I presume that you are aware of the sunken cost fallacy?
Sorry I don’t understand how you can just dismiss it as, I don’t want to ruin her birthday I’ll talk to her later. Do you enjoy the lack of respect? Tell her that she obviously doesn’t see your relationship the same way you do. You’ll be moving out, and have to think about whether to stay in he relationship with her.
He actually asked the ex for me to come for Easter brunch (first time being kind of invited to a family thing!) and she never responded to the text so he said that was a “no” for me and left it at that.
break up