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Date: September 21, 2022
I think your coming at this thinking that the BF's objecyion is that he doesn't want OP's dad telling him what he can or can't do. I think the BF's actual objection is more that it should be OP's decision to make. The idea of BF talking to her dad, while traditional, is rooting in some seriously sexist logic, the 2 men in her life sitting down to basically negotiate as if they're transferring a piece of property. “You own it now, but I'd like to take over ownership in the future”. That may have sense when women couldn't do much to support themselves and would be screwed if the relationship fell apart, but that's not the case anymore. So, I totally see BF's point here; it's just a gross tradition that he's not comfortable participating in.
That's just who she is. It sounds like she's done a pretty good job of explaining how and why she cannot provide this for you. If that's something you need in a partner, which it seems you do, then it's time to part ways. You're just not compatible.
Hmm, guy 8 years older and in a different stage of life being controlling. Stop me if you've heard this one before.
Well how does one deal with the associated sadness of being apart at such great distances now that we met. There is a definitive emotional component to this. That is a legitimate problem for me. It hurts not having him here.
No, your mother is not right. She is an AH.
But he began the path to betrayal. That is not innocent. Betrayals don't 'just happen' like a lot of people use at an excuse.
Have you told your girlfriend that you're not sexually attracted to her? If she knows, and it's not a problem for her, then sure. But if she doesn't know… well, then you're consistently lying to her. Trust me, it will eat away at her self esteem and she will start to think it's her fault, when it's not.
Same could be said for anyone that has any kind of relationship with them. It's a shame, but that's a fact of life. Do you suggest legal intervention?
Those are pretty big things, OP. Any one of them seems like you could work it individually, and if they’re all low level concerns maybe it’s fine, but solving all of them if they’re all serious seems very hard.
Questions: do you resolve conflict well? Do you make some friends you both like or find interesting and who share your values? Do you share values around money? Do you still like each other?
Those are other qs to ask yourself. I do know successful happy couples that have some of all these issues and are happy fwiw. One couple I’m thinking of, they laugh together, are best friends and cheerleaders for each other, and have mostly the same friends. They have kids and pets they enjoy taking care of together. One spouse is more career oriented and one is more domestic for now.
1) They have relatives on both sides they have to have boundaries around, but one spouse is better at keeping the boundaries. They have family on one side they like better. For the messy family, the other spouse learned to be better at boundaries with therapy, but it took her having kids in her 30s to find her backbone.
2) I’d guess for 2, they’re both very accepting but one spouse is a bit harder on people.
3) One spouse is much more intellectually and physically active. One is more active in the community. The less physically active one goes through periods where she gets fit but fitness is not a shared hobby.
For 4) they learned to have more separate friends over time and to deal with jealousy better. The more jealous spouse will always deal with anxiety though.
They really are quite happy from what I can tell. If you choose this, it could be a solid/good life. There might be better. Of course there’s always worse. If you want kids soon, maybe this is the life you want to choose.
However, you’re asking wise questions and only you can make the choice. You are both relatively young though and just settling into your adult selves.
I think you shouldn’t ask her to move for you unless you’re not committed to a possibility of a future with you. And maybe a therapist or trusted elder in your community can help you sort through whether you want to explore the next step with her or break up.
So the marriage is a convenience for him and if it becomes inconvenient then he will leave.
If after 10+ years together, he would not have a problem leaving that is very alarming. He’s not in it for the long haul and doesn’t value you the way he should as a partner.
I know it’s nude to just end things but you need to think of your future, anything can happen and you know if he doesn’t want to deal with it he would just leave. I don’t see how you can be married knowing this information about your partner.