Same. Being a single mom was stressful, but not nearly as stressful as being married to my ex. He made a ton of work from me and got angry when asked for any help at all.
Glad everything worked out, but this is why you go to licensed therapists and not friends.
You said you wanted his help, so he did what he thought would be most helpful in the situation, and ripped off the proverbial band aid. I don't think it was done maliciously, but it could have had really devastating consequences.
A therapist will be able to employ lots of different techniques and gauge your comfort and preparedness level before proceeding, all the while being able to stay impartial. A friend usually doesn't have this capability. Plus, doctor patient confidentiality.
I wouldn't plan a party I would just go off on my own. Go to a movie by my self, dinner by my self. Just go silent for the day. If she asks why say “You never plan anything so I just did my own thing.”
Match you partners energy, if you shower her with attention and love and she doesn't return it, what do you get out of the relationship?
Text him, block him, and book a session with a therapist pronto to learn how to set healthy boundaries and advocate for your needs in relationships. Self-work is extremely important so that you don’t end up in another toxic relationship.
You, my dear, do everything in your power to protect and strengthen your mental health. Whatever this life has in store for you will fall into place, and that will be what is right for you.
The fact that you actively abused someone by your own admission is disturbing enough in itself, the fact you feel you need to reconnect with your victim means you are more likely missing the abuse you subjected him to as opposed to missing the friendship because there was never a legitimate friendship. You need psychiatric support, the next time you abuse this person it could end up so severe you end up with a criminal record. Watch Glenn Close in fatal attraction.. you’re her.. and that is not something to aspire to.
The fact that you actively abused someone by your own admission is disturbing enough in itself, the fact you feel you need to reconnect with your victim means you are more likely missing the abuse you subjected him to as opposed to missing the friendship because there was never a legitimate friendship. You need psychiatric support, the next time you abuse this person it could end up so severe you end up with a criminal record. Watch Glenn Close in fatal attraction.. you’re her.. and that is not something to aspire to.
Things didn't fail because you had a “double life”?” They failed because you're fundamentally incompatible. What you did was shitty and I'm not going to suggest it had absolutely no impact in getting you here, but you logically were always going to get here. As for “perfect,” you're right, you didn't say that. But it's over a decade later. Forget using the word “perfect.” If this person were so right for you, you'd be together. That's the end of it.
Define “let go?” It's a pretty crystal clear surface level statement. The issue is what follows. You let go? No, you didn't. I'm happy to hear that you have no illusions that someday you'll be together. And I'm not saying this to be mean or an asshole; I'm truly happy you're saying that.
But you're here asking how to move on. That you haven't moved on inherently means you haven't let go even if you logically know it's not happening. So in addition to therapy, what I'd advise is you remind yourself of that; they're gone. It didn't happen. It's been over a decade. You're looking back on a fantasy with rose colored glasses.
So she's asking you to confront her every time she's acting this way? Maybe she should go to therapy and find ways for her to be a more open person rather than putting it onto you to confront it every time. That is a one way trip to resentsville.
You are not compatible and you HATE this “open” bullshit. This reads like a hostage letter from an lds tangential cult.
as soon as he gets one it will get better
This is not how mental illness works.
This has been the longest relationship i've had so far
This is not a valid metric for relationship success.
It feels like he is not taking responsibility for his own problems or just ignoring them.
Of course he's not. You have no boundaries and you stay.
You're trying to force yourself to be in an “open” relationship when you aren't comfortable with while your mans fucking other women. He has absolutely no interest in, or respect for you or this relationship. You are reflecting all of the issues inward and internalizing them as though there is something inherently wrong with you that you can change to “save it”, to make him happy, to save him. You will never be asked to change, made to feel you have to change for someone who loves you.
This is an emotionally and psychologically damaging and abusive relationship for you. This is something you chose, and then chose to continue. It's important to understand why because the behavior you're accepting, is so far from normal. Everything about this is unhealthy for you, it's codependent and toxic. You deserve much, much better than what you're telling yourself you deserve and what you're settling for.
But it is predominantly men who have trouble committing.
Men really don't have a problem committing if we value the woman enough.
Same. Being a single mom was stressful, but not nearly as stressful as being married to my ex. He made a ton of work from me and got angry when asked for any help at all.
Glad everything worked out, but this is why you go to licensed therapists and not friends.
You said you wanted his help, so he did what he thought would be most helpful in the situation, and ripped off the proverbial band aid. I don't think it was done maliciously, but it could have had really devastating consequences.
A therapist will be able to employ lots of different techniques and gauge your comfort and preparedness level before proceeding, all the while being able to stay impartial. A friend usually doesn't have this capability. Plus, doctor patient confidentiality.
Why were you scared? You were asked to show ID and you did.
What’s device are you even looking for?
I wouldn't plan a party I would just go off on my own. Go to a movie by my self, dinner by my self. Just go silent for the day. If she asks why say “You never plan anything so I just did my own thing.”
Match you partners energy, if you shower her with attention and love and she doesn't return it, what do you get out of the relationship?
Text him, block him, and book a session with a therapist pronto to learn how to set healthy boundaries and advocate for your needs in relationships. Self-work is extremely important so that you don’t end up in another toxic relationship.
I mean, I also don't blame her. Can you imagine making these kinda decisions when you are 17? We also send kids of that age to fight wars for us…
You, my dear, do everything in your power to protect and strengthen your mental health. Whatever this life has in store for you will fall into place, and that will be what is right for you.
I do trust her, she hasn’t given me any red flags since we got together.
I just don’t trust the fact she’ll be in the middle of the ocean surrounded by other men.
The fact that you actively abused someone by your own admission is disturbing enough in itself, the fact you feel you need to reconnect with your victim means you are more likely missing the abuse you subjected him to as opposed to missing the friendship because there was never a legitimate friendship. You need psychiatric support, the next time you abuse this person it could end up so severe you end up with a criminal record. Watch Glenn Close in fatal attraction.. you’re her.. and that is not something to aspire to.
The fact that you actively abused someone by your own admission is disturbing enough in itself, the fact you feel you need to reconnect with your victim means you are more likely missing the abuse you subjected him to as opposed to missing the friendship because there was never a legitimate friendship. You need psychiatric support, the next time you abuse this person it could end up so severe you end up with a criminal record. Watch Glenn Close in fatal attraction.. you’re her.. and that is not something to aspire to.
Things didn't fail because you had a “double life”?” They failed because you're fundamentally incompatible. What you did was shitty and I'm not going to suggest it had absolutely no impact in getting you here, but you logically were always going to get here. As for “perfect,” you're right, you didn't say that. But it's over a decade later. Forget using the word “perfect.” If this person were so right for you, you'd be together. That's the end of it.
Define “let go?” It's a pretty crystal clear surface level statement. The issue is what follows. You let go? No, you didn't. I'm happy to hear that you have no illusions that someday you'll be together. And I'm not saying this to be mean or an asshole; I'm truly happy you're saying that.
But you're here asking how to move on. That you haven't moved on inherently means you haven't let go even if you logically know it's not happening. So in addition to therapy, what I'd advise is you remind yourself of that; they're gone. It didn't happen. It's been over a decade. You're looking back on a fantasy with rose colored glasses.
So she's asking you to confront her every time she's acting this way? Maybe she should go to therapy and find ways for her to be a more open person rather than putting it onto you to confront it every time. That is a one way trip to resentsville.
You are not compatible and you HATE this “open” bullshit. This reads like a hostage letter from an lds tangential cult.
as soon as he gets one it will get better
This is not how mental illness works.
This has been the longest relationship i've had so far
This is not a valid metric for relationship success.
It feels like he is not taking responsibility for his own problems or just ignoring them.
Of course he's not. You have no boundaries and you stay.
You're trying to force yourself to be in an “open” relationship when you aren't comfortable with while your mans fucking other women. He has absolutely no interest in, or respect for you or this relationship. You are reflecting all of the issues inward and internalizing them as though there is something inherently wrong with you that you can change to “save it”, to make him happy, to save him. You will never be asked to change, made to feel you have to change for someone who loves you.
This is an emotionally and psychologically damaging and abusive relationship for you. This is something you chose, and then chose to continue. It's important to understand why because the behavior you're accepting, is so far from normal. Everything about this is unhealthy for you, it's codependent and toxic. You deserve much, much better than what you're telling yourself you deserve and what you're settling for.