For your kids sake. Leave. I have grown up with two step parentes like that. It sucks big time. You never feel home. Never good enough. Never loved. You should chiise your blod over a flame. Everyday. Every week. Always. Its naked, i can see that. And I understand ut sucks to se a potensial partner go. But this will always escalate. Just cut ut of before it gets too hard. Your kids will be much the better of. Be a father first. ❤️
u/AxiomStranglesPeople idk what's up with reddit but your comment isn't showing, however i got your point but the guy i'm dating has always been cold to him and it made them argue because the guy i'm dating would seek kindness and attention from his friend but treat him badly in return. i would understand that he's “hurting” but at this point he obviously doesn't care at all. if his friend is gonna die and all he could do for him is not checkinh on him or even asking about him and just flirting with me then he's an awful person imo,,,
Yes intentions matter. Even if your intent was good you still did something wrong. My grandfather used to always tell me the saying “ the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
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I feel bad because the specific chores OP mentioned, I admittedly struggle with them the same way he seems to. I also stress out over it and beat myself up for days at a time looking at these not completed tasks because of the executive dysfunction. To explain a little further:
The vaccum is left out in the dining room and we have tripped over the cord four times. I left the vacuum out because I want to use it to suck up the pile that I swept up on the tile. The pile is in a high traffic area and we keep stepping in it but I don’t want to suck the pile up until I can sweep ALL of the tile. But I can’t sweep all of the tile because there are two boxes and a laundry basket full of things I need to go through or put away sitting on the floor next to the table. I can’t take care of the boxes because the things in them need to go into the drawers in my desk but I need to reorganize the drawers to put the box things into them. Some of the organizers I need for the drawers are in the storage closet neatly stored in a bin underneath some picture frames and the bin is a little hard to get to. Well, for whatever reason, my stupid little chicken brain has placed a mental block on going to the closet to get the organizers. I’ve sat here stressing about it for four days. I’m frozen and can’t get anything done now because I need to prioritize getting this stuff done before I start on anything else. So I need to figure out how to force myself to go get the organizers out so I can then organize the drawers, deal with the boxes, sweep all the tile, vacuum up the piles, then I can finally put the vacuum away!
OP, I think it might be helpful to ask your husband what stops him from starting or finishing specific tasks. It’s SO IMPORTANT that this isn’t a combative approach. It needs to be patient and understanding for this conversation to be productive. My boyfriend 28m and I 27f had this talk and it helped a ton. Basically, bring up each task and ask what he has trouble with.
For example: I actually love washing/folding all the laundry. FOR THE LIFE OF ME I can’t bring it back to the bedroom and put it in the drawers. So it ends up staying on the guest bed until my dog tramples all of it and I rewash it all again. I talked to my boyfriend about it and we agreed that I will wash and fold all our laundry as long as he puts it into the drawers. Pretty easy compromise.
Another one: I will let dishes stack up for days because I get stuck on putting the clean dishes away. I would happily wash all of the dishes but I can’t because the clean dishes are in the way and again, chicken brain says NO! My boyfriend was getting frustrated about the dishes. We talked. He puts the clean dishes away when he sees them. I wash the dishes. Win.
Trash… oof. I don’t know what to tell you. I literally DO NOT see that the trash bin is full. Doesn’t register. My boyfriend takes out the trash when it’s full and I love him so much for it. God bless his kind, patient soul. If you figure out a solution, let me know because I’m at a loss.
Anyway, if you can get him to figure out and explain his processes to you and identify the things that make him freeze up, you guys will be able to work together to avoid these problems in the future. My boyfriend has even started asking these questions and helping me knock out the thing that has me frozen. Like with the organizers in the closet, he offers to go get the organizers out and bring them to me. All of a sudden I’m able to clean the whole house within a few hours.
Basic hygiene is non-negotiable. Make a big deal out of it, throw him out if you have to. This could lead to health issues for both of you. An adult who doesn't do laundry? He needs to grow up and fast.
What's the point of exploring the relationship any further than you have. A meet with/without sex couple of times a years seems pretty bleak. Considering the circumstances as you describe, you will likely gain anything from probing the crush's arrangements with his GF. Maybe it would be best for you enjoy the interlude and forget the detective work.
There could be a number of reasons. The most somewhat innocent, but still problematic, one is that she wants to keep her work life and personal life separate. That is “her time” as an individual.
Less Innocent reasons:
She has a work Husband or she flirts a lot with some dude at work. She is embarrassed of you for whatever reason. She thinks you will somehow embarrass her or cramp her style. She is not happy with her home life and does not want it to intrude on her work life which she enjoys. She acts completely different and perhaps inappropriately with her work friends. You being there would destroy the façade.
Okay , thank you
For your kids sake. Leave. I have grown up with two step parentes like that. It sucks big time. You never feel home. Never good enough. Never loved. You should chiise your blod over a flame. Everyday. Every week. Always. Its naked, i can see that. And I understand ut sucks to se a potensial partner go. But this will always escalate. Just cut ut of before it gets too hard. Your kids will be much the better of. Be a father first. ❤️
So your problem is your 20 year old girlfriend is not worshiping you? Do you understand how stupid that sounds?
I would say date someone your own age but it sounds like your maturity is more in line with that of a 20 year old not an almost 30 year old.
You have a skewed expectation of what love is. It’s not thinking of the person 24/7 , it’s not worshipping them.
u/AxiomStranglesPeople idk what's up with reddit but your comment isn't showing, however i got your point but the guy i'm dating has always been cold to him and it made them argue because the guy i'm dating would seek kindness and attention from his friend but treat him badly in return. i would understand that he's “hurting” but at this point he obviously doesn't care at all. if his friend is gonna die and all he could do for him is not checkinh on him or even asking about him and just flirting with me then he's an awful person imo,,,
Yes intentions matter. Even if your intent was good you still did something wrong. My grandfather used to always tell me the saying “ the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.
Right? If the the other person is a creeper then BF definitely it too!
Hello /u/throwaaaawayyyyy89,
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Are you from different cultures?
Couples therapy.
You are not the villain here. Neither is she. But you two have not done the due diligence of understanding each other before getting married.
You hit the nail on the head.
I feel bad because the specific chores OP mentioned, I admittedly struggle with them the same way he seems to. I also stress out over it and beat myself up for days at a time looking at these not completed tasks because of the executive dysfunction. To explain a little further:
The vaccum is left out in the dining room and we have tripped over the cord four times. I left the vacuum out because I want to use it to suck up the pile that I swept up on the tile. The pile is in a high traffic area and we keep stepping in it but I don’t want to suck the pile up until I can sweep ALL of the tile. But I can’t sweep all of the tile because there are two boxes and a laundry basket full of things I need to go through or put away sitting on the floor next to the table. I can’t take care of the boxes because the things in them need to go into the drawers in my desk but I need to reorganize the drawers to put the box things into them. Some of the organizers I need for the drawers are in the storage closet neatly stored in a bin underneath some picture frames and the bin is a little hard to get to. Well, for whatever reason, my stupid little chicken brain has placed a mental block on going to the closet to get the organizers. I’ve sat here stressing about it for four days. I’m frozen and can’t get anything done now because I need to prioritize getting this stuff done before I start on anything else. So I need to figure out how to force myself to go get the organizers out so I can then organize the drawers, deal with the boxes, sweep all the tile, vacuum up the piles, then I can finally put the vacuum away!
OP, I think it might be helpful to ask your husband what stops him from starting or finishing specific tasks. It’s SO IMPORTANT that this isn’t a combative approach. It needs to be patient and understanding for this conversation to be productive. My boyfriend 28m and I 27f had this talk and it helped a ton. Basically, bring up each task and ask what he has trouble with.
For example: I actually love washing/folding all the laundry. FOR THE LIFE OF ME I can’t bring it back to the bedroom and put it in the drawers. So it ends up staying on the guest bed until my dog tramples all of it and I rewash it all again. I talked to my boyfriend about it and we agreed that I will wash and fold all our laundry as long as he puts it into the drawers. Pretty easy compromise.
Another one: I will let dishes stack up for days because I get stuck on putting the clean dishes away. I would happily wash all of the dishes but I can’t because the clean dishes are in the way and again, chicken brain says NO! My boyfriend was getting frustrated about the dishes. We talked. He puts the clean dishes away when he sees them. I wash the dishes. Win.
Trash… oof. I don’t know what to tell you. I literally DO NOT see that the trash bin is full. Doesn’t register. My boyfriend takes out the trash when it’s full and I love him so much for it. God bless his kind, patient soul. If you figure out a solution, let me know because I’m at a loss.
Anyway, if you can get him to figure out and explain his processes to you and identify the things that make him freeze up, you guys will be able to work together to avoid these problems in the future. My boyfriend has even started asking these questions and helping me knock out the thing that has me frozen. Like with the organizers in the closet, he offers to go get the organizers out and bring them to me. All of a sudden I’m able to clean the whole house within a few hours.
As a bi woman I get what you're saying but I think that cat is out of the bag and has been for like ten years at least.
People still think queer is a slur and in some communities it is.
Basic hygiene is non-negotiable. Make a big deal out of it, throw him out if you have to. This could lead to health issues for both of you. An adult who doesn't do laundry? He needs to grow up and fast.
What's the point of exploring the relationship any further than you have. A meet with/without sex couple of times a years seems pretty bleak. Considering the circumstances as you describe, you will likely gain anything from probing the crush's arrangements with his GF. Maybe it would be best for you enjoy the interlude and forget the detective work.
Why did they divorce?
There could be a number of reasons. The most somewhat innocent, but still problematic, one is that she wants to keep her work life and personal life separate. That is “her time” as an individual.
Less Innocent reasons:
She has a work Husband or she flirts a lot with some dude at work. She is embarrassed of you for whatever reason. She thinks you will somehow embarrass her or cramp her style. She is not happy with her home life and does not want it to intrude on her work life which she enjoys. She acts completely different and perhaps inappropriately with her work friends. You being there would destroy the façade.
Good luck. I hope you don't have children.