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more naked more faster, no mercy [49 tokens remaining]
Date: March 23, 2023
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This 100%. Lots of women fear male violence which is very reasonable. I had a guy I knew for a long time get extremely angry with me when I didn't want to get involved. It was so scary.
It seems like he doesn’t like that you’ve grown up, bettered yourself physically, financially and emotionally. Congratulations! Those are some huge changes! Your husband is jealous not to mention less “ambitious” than you. He’s mad because you keep leveling up and still doing the same old thing and doesn’t see a reason to change. You’re threatening his perceived superiority and manhood because deep down he knows he’s not on your level and you really don’t need him so he belittles you and argues and complains that you’re…bettering your life? Looking to improve, grow, learn? Instead of being proud of you he’s jealous and insecure
I guess this has also applied to me, though I haven't broken up with her yet. For me, it was mentioning that we have been invited to a wedding in a few month, and I told her over the phone excited. She can't take holidays when she wants, based on her job and she kind of snapped on the phone and was like “you know I can't take that time off, so I can't go. You are going to stag do alone, and now going to the wedding alone as well. Go fuck yourself, honestly”. Her saying that drained the whole excitement of being invited, and killed the motivation of wanting to try and work things out… Yes, I should have considered that she can't take the time off but they are happy with her at her work, I'm sure they'd consider an exception for a day in 6 month's time. At least it's an option, not straight going for the nuclear option as she did, emotionally charged
Are you asking for too much? Perhaps you are asking for more than she can give, or more than she wants to give. But the question is, given what you are contributing to the marriage financially, effort-wise and emotionally, what is she contributing to balance that contribution of yours?
Most relationships, but especially marriages, are a meeting of equals. Not necessarily equal financial contributions, but each contributing to the relationship in their own way, with the sum total balancing out. Or not, in which case the relationship ends.
It sounds to me as though you do not see what your wife contributes to the relationship, and in attempting to find out, she becomes defensive and evasive. This leads us to two other core aspects of relationships beyond equality – communication and trust.
Trust is relatively easy to explain, because you have to *trust* that your partner in the relationship is being honest and genuine with you. In the case of your marriage, you obviously feel that your wife is not being honest and genuine with you.
Communication is the art of translating thoughts, feelings and opinions into a message of words, tone of voice and body language, giving that message to another person, and them interpreting the message, responding, and rinse/repeating the cycle.
The communication task at this point is to find out (a) why she is not contributing to the relationship in a way that you recognise and value, (b) what she *is* contributing, (c) how to get you to recognise her contribution and assess the value of it, and (d) how to move forward if/when you still feel that her contribution is inadequate.
You may find that she has a very good reason for her lack of effort – depression, a thyroid problem, vitamin deficiency, or any of a range of other issues. But if she cannot or will not communicate with you about the problems, then you cannot help to solve them, and if you cannot help to solve them then she needs to demonstrate that she is making efforts to solve them on her own.
So far, you have tried discussing this with her and the results have been unproductive, with her responses being inadequate. That means that step (a) is probably not going to produce any real progress at this stage, although it is certainly not something to lose sight of. So I would suggest focussing on the other points. If she is unwilling to engage, then let her know that there is a timetable for the discussion to be resolved, and that the marriage cannot continue to function in the way it is today.