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Date: October 11, 2022
Afraid not, much further south, think cider and the SS Great Britain 🙂
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Even if what he did wasn't totally out of line, the fact that you're worried about your partner forcing or threatening about anything is very concerning. This is a dilemna that you should not be having.
This is surgery we're talking about, much more serious than recommending a hair cut or change of style. He either isn't listening to you or he is trying to force you into it against your wishes. Either way, this “gift” and the fact you are worried about his reaction is something I would seriously think about. This isn't healthy.
. I am worried he will force me to have the surgery, or threaten me about it. What should I do?
That’s a much nicer word than what I was thinking ?
Yeah please don't tell her. My partner likes my feet and calls them cute and I know he isn't just saying it because I've seen his reaction during some teasing.
I was personally really insecure about my own feet but knowing this made me take better care of them.
However I would be absolutely hurt if he told me this fetish and I noticed he was not liking my feet. It's like someone is dating you and you aren't their type. You can't change anything and it hurts, you'll feel like you're never good enough.
You don't need couples counseling, you need to dump this guy.
You were willing to give her up when she had already lost her dad and was not a baby anymore. She felt unwanted because you didn’t want her. She never asked to be born to a teen mother. It sounds like you actually cared for and wanted your step kids but were willing to give up your own child and the only reason you didn’t do that because you met a man who bonded with her. You were a bad parent to her and you must let her set the terms for your relationship as adults. You weren’t 16 anymore when you remarried, still completely willing to give her up for adoption. It sounds like you never bonded with her. I’ll be frank and say it sounds like you don’t love her and never did. Not if you were willing to give up a 6 or 7yo who had lost her father. In her place I would cut contact with you permanently.
The fact that you require your stepchildren to confirm that you did not treat your own child as well as you treated them is just more proof that you still trust, believe, and care about them more than your daughter. You couldn’t even accept that the young woman who felt unwanted by you felt that way for a reason even after you just said twice that you were willing to give her up as a baby and as a child. You didn’t love her the way you love the children you have now and she knew/knows that. She likely idolized her dad because he’s gone but it’s also possible that her memory of him is when she felt loved by a parent. He wasn’t perfect but he was her dad. Of course she did not want to hear from you how much you resented him.
You’ve done incalculable damage to her bc you were not ready to parent when you had her. Later on when you were ready to be a parent, she had to watch you care for other children in a way she had never been cared for and that had to hurt so much. I’m glad it’s starting to become clear to you how much you failed her but you need to face facts. You were completely willing to give her away when she was no longer a baby. You withheld the unconditional love and care children require. She’s grown now and gets to decide how to relate to you. Respect her wishes. Your presence is harmful to her and she’s caring for herself to limit your presence in her life. If you care about her at all, you will respect her boundaries.
I have no idea about the organisation OP is with, and not much of an isea about the ones you mentioned, so maybe my comment is totally irrelevant, but some of the reasons I've heard to oppose voluntourism, are the occurrence things like:
mistreating orphans so they're more happy/grateful when the voluntourists come
giving the voluntourists pretend work to do, while the qualified locals take it down and redo it properly overnight
putting children at risk with adults with no background checks, and allowing them access to children that they wouldn't normally get back home, same goes for other types of vulnerable groups
Cases of kidnap, of a child from a happy home to an orphanage, where they could be used to really sell the suffering, so the voluntourist feel the work is rewarding
Not any subreddit here?
As others have said, therapy is crucial. But the other thing is, being a new parent is fucking nude. It’s physically, mentally, financially, and socially hard. It’s mostly thankless too. The first year of our kid’s life were a living hell for me and my husband. (All three of us survived though and we have a happy 30-year marriage and amazing 21-year-old son.) So, just know that struggling with parenthood is not unusual and that with time, you get stronger and the load gets lighter (daycare, kindergarten, grade school, sleep away summer camp etc).
I think you chose to have two kids, so now you’re gonna be in for a rough couple years. How you deal is up to you but my reccos would be 1/ therapy, 2/ each parent taking defined shifts off (as in out if the house for a few hours maybe say one night or afternoon per week of zero responsibilities) and 3/ reliable birth control. No more kids either forever or for a few more years at least.
If she agrees to that that's between the two of them. Based on her post it didn't seem she was concerned by the sleeping with other people but was concerned by the seeing it happen in front of her face. Plenty of poly and open relationship couples do things like this to great success but that is why I prefaced with the fact it might not work for her.