Your history in this relationship will be your future (**unless both of you take active control over your lives and make a change for yourselves)..
It also appears to be escalating on his part – this is very worrisome. It is totally unacceptable for anyone to get physical with anyone else – that’s abuse. It’s not hitting now, but it can easily turn into hitting in the future and he has demonstrated twice he can and will get physical. Picking you up in anger – IS ABUSE.
If you would like to give it another shot, both of you need counseling separately while single to sort out each of your issues. Be single but not dating anyone else. Be this way for at least a year. Work on healing, your addictions, anger issues, mental health, work on it all. Work on your friendship with each other. Both parties need to actively work towards bettering themselves before you have a shot at a healthy functional relationship in the future. Unless both of you make an honest effort to overcome your personal demons and heal, you are destined to keep repeating the past.
Addiction is tricky. Someone has to get sober for themselves at the end of the day, doing it solely because someone asks you to means it’s most likely temporary and they can use it over the other persons head as a way to control them. In AA they also suggest not dating the first year to allow them to fully focus on their recovery. It also gives them time to forge a relationship with their sponsor who helps them navigate their new world.
Sometimes two people, no matter how much they love each other, just aren’t compatible.
If you want an honest go at it – work on yourselves first.
Instead of a box, think of it as a single day or week. He takes what he wants and is only there when what he wants is available. After that, he leaves and makes a point to shut me out
were you sitting at the table earlier? had people been moving around getting drinks and stuff? Was GF even looking at that guy, or was she looking to her other side?
I'm having a hot time picturing this as deliberate flirting by your GF based on her non reaction. Especially since her friend who is dating that fellow was right there. I know many people will rest their arm or hand on the next person's chair when in a group listening to another member of the group; the storytelling tends to draw people in and they lean closer to the storyteller. It's easy to not notice, think the hand is just on the chair or mistake the hand for someone else's, particularly if you have been drinking and/or people have been moving around fetching drinks and stuff.
You break up. Being without remorse is not the same thing as being without guilt. You’re a terrible partner, and your excuses and justifications are pure bullshit. You need to improve yourself before getting into another monogamous relationship.
Adrien, your W's abusive behaviors cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your W, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to “validate” her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) — often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.
Adrien, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
You didn't lash out at her, you responded to provocation. Why are you sorry? It's clear she realized she was wrong and apologized, so it's GOOD you stood up for yourself. Stop apologizing for standing up for yourself.
Repeat after me: cheating and doing anything sexual with another person, even if it’s just masturbation is a CHOICE. It’s a DECISION. Multiple things needed to happen for him to put himself in that position and make the choices that he made. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a CHOICE.
Imagine if we held accountable men for cheating the way we blame female victims of SA. I think things would look very differently in this world. “Why we’re you there? What were you thinking? Why did you get that drunk? Why did you make all those choices? WHY DID YOU DO THAT” But no, we reserve all that judgment for people who get raped. We hold SA victims more accountable for something that it is NOT their fault that actual cheaters who made bad choices. “Oh, it was just a mistake, don’t be so naked on yourself, you didn’t mean for this to happen.” When no, fuck that actually you DID mean for this to happen. You made bad choices. You knew what you were doing. You caused this. This is your fault.
Isn’t that messed up? Let’s start changing that, my friends.
Ya, but like if she finds you and just wants to talk don’t respond or like end the conversation
I would leave her on it for like emergency like if she is like “emergency!”
And in the mean time focus on becoming the best version of ur self meaning
Hit the books, gym, and get that bread ?
Your history in this relationship will be your future (**unless both of you take active control over your lives and make a change for yourselves)..
It also appears to be escalating on his part – this is very worrisome. It is totally unacceptable for anyone to get physical with anyone else – that’s abuse. It’s not hitting now, but it can easily turn into hitting in the future and he has demonstrated twice he can and will get physical. Picking you up in anger – IS ABUSE.
If you would like to give it another shot, both of you need counseling separately while single to sort out each of your issues. Be single but not dating anyone else. Be this way for at least a year. Work on healing, your addictions, anger issues, mental health, work on it all. Work on your friendship with each other. Both parties need to actively work towards bettering themselves before you have a shot at a healthy functional relationship in the future. Unless both of you make an honest effort to overcome your personal demons and heal, you are destined to keep repeating the past.
Addiction is tricky. Someone has to get sober for themselves at the end of the day, doing it solely because someone asks you to means it’s most likely temporary and they can use it over the other persons head as a way to control them. In AA they also suggest not dating the first year to allow them to fully focus on their recovery. It also gives them time to forge a relationship with their sponsor who helps them navigate their new world.
Sometimes two people, no matter how much they love each other, just aren’t compatible.
If you want an honest go at it – work on yourselves first.
Instead of a box, think of it as a single day or week. He takes what he wants and is only there when what he wants is available. After that, he leaves and makes a point to shut me out
He probably was told to put it down but animal control might not follow up, or he moved, or chafed cities.
George Costanza is that you?
were you sitting at the table earlier? had people been moving around getting drinks and stuff? Was GF even looking at that guy, or was she looking to her other side?
I'm having a hot time picturing this as deliberate flirting by your GF based on her non reaction. Especially since her friend who is dating that fellow was right there. I know many people will rest their arm or hand on the next person's chair when in a group listening to another member of the group; the storytelling tends to draw people in and they lean closer to the storyteller. It's easy to not notice, think the hand is just on the chair or mistake the hand for someone else's, particularly if you have been drinking and/or people have been moving around fetching drinks and stuff.
You break up. Being without remorse is not the same thing as being without guilt. You’re a terrible partner, and your excuses and justifications are pure bullshit. You need to improve yourself before getting into another monogamous relationship.
But it isn’t. Hypotheticals aren’t going to help your shit takes.
Adrien, your W's abusive behaviors cannot be excused — but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your W, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.
The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women — or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.
Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as “all good” (“with me”) or “all bad” (“against me”) and will recategorize them — in just a few seconds — from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is “all bad.” She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as “The Victim.”
Further, to “validate” her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like “you ALWAYS…” and “you NEVER….”
Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).
Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) — often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.
Adrien, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
You didn't lash out at her, you responded to provocation. Why are you sorry? It's clear she realized she was wrong and apologized, so it's GOOD you stood up for yourself. Stop apologizing for standing up for yourself.
Repeat after me: cheating and doing anything sexual with another person, even if it’s just masturbation is a CHOICE. It’s a DECISION. Multiple things needed to happen for him to put himself in that position and make the choices that he made. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a CHOICE.
Imagine if we held accountable men for cheating the way we blame female victims of SA. I think things would look very differently in this world. “Why we’re you there? What were you thinking? Why did you get that drunk? Why did you make all those choices? WHY DID YOU DO THAT” But no, we reserve all that judgment for people who get raped. We hold SA victims more accountable for something that it is NOT their fault that actual cheaters who made bad choices. “Oh, it was just a mistake, don’t be so naked on yourself, you didn’t mean for this to happen.” When no, fuck that actually you DID mean for this to happen. You made bad choices. You knew what you were doing. You caused this. This is your fault.
Isn’t that messed up? Let’s start changing that, my friends.
I guess you just have to decide what’s more important—not causing a scene, or risking your life (and others’).