I'll tell you this, you don't end up in a leadership role by accident. You don't end up ambitious by accident. The conceptualization that you want to build and have things for yourself is something I'm certain you've been told and accepted.
Now I'm going to describe a person. They don't listen to you, they know what they want and they go get it, they do not take no for an answer. If you were to guess, which gender better describes this stereotype?
Your husband cheated on you and is lying about it. Knowing that, do you want to stay married to him, or not?
You may want undeniable proof of his infidelity before deciding to leave him, but it's likely you won't get that. You know what the reality of the situation is. Now it's just up to you to decide what you want. You can absolutely make the choice to stay married, but do it with open eyes, knowing you cannot trust your husband and that he will likely do this to you again and again. Only you can decide if other aspects of the relationship are worth that.
The only reason you might need proof of his cheating is if you are financially dependent on him and will be seeking alimony in divorce proceedings. If that's the case, a divorce lawyer will be able to best advise you on next steps.
Hey there 🙂 sorry for only getting back to you now, I've been down with the flu, but I was very touched by your enthusiastic reaction to my comment and wanted to get back to you, however late. Anyhow, I'm so so glad I could help! I actually studied 3D animation and am now a CG Artist, so I often work with people involved in the gaming industry, and I honestly think, if you have an interest in gaming (virtual or board-based) there are so many options available nowadays to turn that passion into a career, or if you prefer, a creative outlet. Most of the people I work with started off as passionate consumers and learned their skills live! – there's an endless supply of tutorials and masterclasses, as well as options to market an idea or get other people involved. Honestly, when I commented I was concerned you might not have a passion, which would have been an awkward interaction – but you do, and it's absolutely one you should prioritize and invest in. So many people don't have a passion, it's almost a duty to pursue one if you have one. I wish you the best!
Op, I’m so sorry, this man does not want to marry you. It’s awful and cruel to hear. He was excited and then he wasn’t. One or both things are true. He either got to know you over the years and doesn’t want to be committed to you for whatever reason, or he is perfectly content living with you and having you fulfill the wife role without putting any skin in the game. Either way, there is no future here, not the kind you want anyway. Don’t waste any more time. It is your most precious and finite resource.
yeah it’s going to be crazy stressful for both of them, but you wanted it this way for some reason. Why didn’t you just tell him? What were you thinking? He may well choose not to be involved for the sake of protecting the family that he DID consent to having, and it might have been different had you told him from the beginning.
If that’s the case, maybe it’s better off that way, find a man who’s loving and willing to raise this child as his own and he’s going to turn out just fine.
I was the problem for my relationship. I did actually get diagnosed adhd 5 years into my now 7 year (3 married) partnership. However, I was 25-29 when I was really bad at sharing the mental load and being able to create a partnership instead of a parent/child or manager/employee relationship. 34 is… old, for that kind of neglect of knowledge. I'm 32 now, im not perfect by any measure, but I have systems in place and structure to help me be the person who remembers and does rather than the person who gets told to do things/think/plan/organize/socially carry/manage/be mature.
I want to say that he can work on these issues, I have, so really anyone can. I want to say that he will change and become a more independent and mature person. But. It will take an incredible amount of persistence and desire to better himself for himself, not for you, to actually make it stick.
When I got diagnosed my partner was about a month or one good “wait… you don't know that???” away from leaving, which meant divorce. Diagnosis helped her understand why I was having problems with the tasks I did (making appointments, organizing dates, managing money, understanding taxes/credit/budgeting, maturity… etc etc.) Even though I cooked most days, worked, did the shopping because she would get overwhelmed, took care of her when she was sick (even if I was too) taking care of our dog, cleaning… I didn't understand that doesn't matter as it has nothing to do with load and managing anything, its just… part of life.
I spent a lot of time reading books like “the second shift” and anything I could find about mental load and I still fuck it up sometimes.
He sounds like someone who wishes to please you. I can relate. But he can't do this to please you, it just doesn't work like that (trust me, I tried that myself, that was what was leading to my partner leaving…). He has to want to improve himself separate of your approval/love or he will just work on things when you remind him to work on them…. (again…. been there….) which isn't what you want, I imagine.
Honestly, abortion isn't as clean-cut as people make it out to be. There are A LOT of mental hurdles you have to overcome before and once it happens. Especially when your baby is as old as it is now. It's not just an embryo. It's not easy.
You've been trying for a long time and already put a ton of money into it. It might not be so easy a second time.
I think his fear might stem from having a horrible father. Maybe he thinks that he needs time to not be like his dad. However, you can't allow those fears to change how you feel or what you want. Y'all need therapy.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.
So you are not ok with being in a Polly relationship, told your partner your not ok with it, and are being told to basicly “suck it up.” Because HE wants it to be the new normal.
You get to say no and walk away. It's likely he's already doing things on the side, is feeling guilty but wants to keep doing that but now with “permission”.
Asking forgiveness rather then permission. Is past tacky. Get yourself an SDT/STI Test and make sure you partner didn't give you anything before asking to open your relationship.
It's entirely subjective but if you can live! off your part time salary then working full time wouldn't be forever, to me security and after a few years returning to part time definitely sounds great
Part time will absolutely be great if they decide to have kids, they currently don't have kids
Lots of good advice here, but OP, PLEASE LOCK YOUR DOOR AT ALL TIMES! He already had rough sex with you, and has tried to aggressively kiss you and was angry about it. It’s clear he’s very in denial about his sexuality and is taking his inner turmoil out on you. Do not be alone with him in the flat.
You need to pull yourself back from this situation. Interacting with him is causing you undue stress and mental issues. If I was you I would just completely focus on myself, don’t text him first, don’t even think about him if you can help it. Take the time you need for yourself, don’t hook up with him anymore, spend that time journaling, meditating, or going to the gym. Lots of guys will regain their interest when they feel someone they’re with has stopped caring, but to be quite honest I’m not even sure he’s interested in you aside from the sexual aspect.
When you say you “met” two weeks ago, was this on-line or physically in-person? 2 weeks is super early for you to be doing a relationship in your head. And it’s likely he’s communicating with other women because you two are not exclusive. How long have you been out of your last relationship?
That's good. I gave you that link without making any comments just so that you can see for yourself that proposing an open relationship to a monogamous person very, very rarely goes well. The vast majority of the time, the person in your bf's position will just feel deeply hurt. They'll feel like you're telling them that you want to cheat. And they'll wonder why they aren't enough for you.
Even if all the other things are just right, if this one thing (his physical condition) isn't enough for you, then you should just tell him that if he doesn't start taking care of himself, you're going to end up leaving him. Or you should just go ahead and leave him.
Despite what other commenters are saying, there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner that values something (in this case fitness) as much as you do. Just don't keep the relationship on life support hoping that he'll suddenly change one day.
I love animals, and would never mistreat or not help one in need, and I have done so for several but I look at those little things and I just don't get the appeal tbh.
But you're totally right, it is people like this that help perpetuate the unfair reputation the little demons puppers have.
I edited it but to answer your question nothing has ever happened between me and her only reason I know her is because of him and my gf and his gf just met eachother and everything went well so I’m not suee
I work in a big consultancy in London. I’ve literally seen employees doing it off a bosses table when he’s out.
I go to a pub after work with some friends for a chilled drink. Queue for the toilets is longer than the bar…
I go on hinge and match with a girl who went to my Ivy League equivalent university, teaches school kids, loves her job. Turns out she smashes coke and MDMA at events and on weekends.
I’ve honestly made peace with that, I don’t think it can get worse than this. I agree with your first point though. I’ve tried explaining my view on that stuff and it just makes her feel like I’m calling everything she believes bullshit (I am, but it’s disrespectful so I try not to)
My current boyfriend and I have both been in this position with ex partners. Call family and block. That is what we did and years later they are still alive. I know how scary it is. If you can afford it (if you are in school maybe your school can help) I would try to go to counseling. It was very difficult for me and talking with a professional was helpful. Please know you are not alone! This will hurt for awhile and you might worry but know it is not your responsibility what they do. I know hearing “it’s not your fault” doesn’t feel like much of a comfort but take it to heart. You are only in control of yourself. Remember to take care of yourself!
I'm truly glad you recognize this. It is critically important to always put yourself first. Many people believe that this is selfish, however, you can't help anybody else if you aren't healthy. That is not just physical but mental and emotional as well.
I flaked on my current partner of over a year twice before we started hanging out. First time life genuinely got busy, second time I ghosted him because I got a fat pimple the day of our date, he essentially called me out and said I should’ve been in front and just say I didn’t want to hangout. I felt so guilty and like we would’ve really hit it off, so I fessed up to the pimple, he gave me one last shot, and now we laugh about it. Maybe she’s not interested, from what I’m getting, she just seems nervous. Make it clear to her that you like her, you need honesty, and offer a as low stakes as possible first date.
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I'll tell you this, you don't end up in a leadership role by accident. You don't end up ambitious by accident. The conceptualization that you want to build and have things for yourself is something I'm certain you've been told and accepted.
Now I'm going to describe a person. They don't listen to you, they know what they want and they go get it, they do not take no for an answer. If you were to guess, which gender better describes this stereotype?
Your husband cheated on you and is lying about it. Knowing that, do you want to stay married to him, or not?
You may want undeniable proof of his infidelity before deciding to leave him, but it's likely you won't get that. You know what the reality of the situation is. Now it's just up to you to decide what you want. You can absolutely make the choice to stay married, but do it with open eyes, knowing you cannot trust your husband and that he will likely do this to you again and again. Only you can decide if other aspects of the relationship are worth that.
The only reason you might need proof of his cheating is if you are financially dependent on him and will be seeking alimony in divorce proceedings. If that's the case, a divorce lawyer will be able to best advise you on next steps.
Good luck, OP, and take care.
Exactly. To do otherwise is kidding yourself.
Killed what mood? You mean, spoiled your enjoyment of her reaction? You're sneaky and manipulative. That's not cool, bro.
There's is an antifap subreddit. Maybe you can check that as well.
Hey there 🙂 sorry for only getting back to you now, I've been down with the flu, but I was very touched by your enthusiastic reaction to my comment and wanted to get back to you, however late. Anyhow, I'm so so glad I could help! I actually studied 3D animation and am now a CG Artist, so I often work with people involved in the gaming industry, and I honestly think, if you have an interest in gaming (virtual or board-based) there are so many options available nowadays to turn that passion into a career, or if you prefer, a creative outlet. Most of the people I work with started off as passionate consumers and learned their skills live! – there's an endless supply of tutorials and masterclasses, as well as options to market an idea or get other people involved. Honestly, when I commented I was concerned you might not have a passion, which would have been an awkward interaction – but you do, and it's absolutely one you should prioritize and invest in. So many people don't have a passion, it's almost a duty to pursue one if you have one. I wish you the best!
Op, I’m so sorry, this man does not want to marry you. It’s awful and cruel to hear. He was excited and then he wasn’t. One or both things are true. He either got to know you over the years and doesn’t want to be committed to you for whatever reason, or he is perfectly content living with you and having you fulfill the wife role without putting any skin in the game. Either way, there is no future here, not the kind you want anyway. Don’t waste any more time. It is your most precious and finite resource.
yeah it’s going to be crazy stressful for both of them, but you wanted it this way for some reason. Why didn’t you just tell him? What were you thinking? He may well choose not to be involved for the sake of protecting the family that he DID consent to having, and it might have been different had you told him from the beginning.
If that’s the case, maybe it’s better off that way, find a man who’s loving and willing to raise this child as his own and he’s going to turn out just fine.
Forget something at home and come back 20 mins after your work starts.
Honestly? It doesn’t sound like this relationship is sustainable with both your issues. He’s careless and you’re over controlling.
Just tell her you don’t have a relationship with god, but you will never get in the way of her relationship with the man upstairs.
Yeah but if we decided to choose the train then we’d miss the event due to not being able to get there
I was the problem for my relationship. I did actually get diagnosed adhd 5 years into my now 7 year (3 married) partnership. However, I was 25-29 when I was really bad at sharing the mental load and being able to create a partnership instead of a parent/child or manager/employee relationship. 34 is… old, for that kind of neglect of knowledge. I'm 32 now, im not perfect by any measure, but I have systems in place and structure to help me be the person who remembers and does rather than the person who gets told to do things/think/plan/organize/socially carry/manage/be mature.
I want to say that he can work on these issues, I have, so really anyone can. I want to say that he will change and become a more independent and mature person. But. It will take an incredible amount of persistence and desire to better himself for himself, not for you, to actually make it stick.
When I got diagnosed my partner was about a month or one good “wait… you don't know that???” away from leaving, which meant divorce. Diagnosis helped her understand why I was having problems with the tasks I did (making appointments, organizing dates, managing money, understanding taxes/credit/budgeting, maturity… etc etc.) Even though I cooked most days, worked, did the shopping because she would get overwhelmed, took care of her when she was sick (even if I was too) taking care of our dog, cleaning… I didn't understand that doesn't matter as it has nothing to do with load and managing anything, its just… part of life.
I spent a lot of time reading books like “the second shift” and anything I could find about mental load and I still fuck it up sometimes.
He sounds like someone who wishes to please you. I can relate. But he can't do this to please you, it just doesn't work like that (trust me, I tried that myself, that was what was leading to my partner leaving…). He has to want to improve himself separate of your approval/love or he will just work on things when you remind him to work on them…. (again…. been there….) which isn't what you want, I imagine.
Honestly, abortion isn't as clean-cut as people make it out to be. There are A LOT of mental hurdles you have to overcome before and once it happens. Especially when your baby is as old as it is now. It's not just an embryo. It's not easy.
You've been trying for a long time and already put a ton of money into it. It might not be so easy a second time.
I think his fear might stem from having a horrible father. Maybe he thinks that he needs time to not be like his dad. However, you can't allow those fears to change how you feel or what you want. Y'all need therapy.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.
So you are not ok with being in a Polly relationship, told your partner your not ok with it, and are being told to basicly “suck it up.” Because HE wants it to be the new normal.
You get to say no and walk away. It's likely he's already doing things on the side, is feeling guilty but wants to keep doing that but now with “permission”.
Asking forgiveness rather then permission. Is past tacky. Get yourself an SDT/STI Test and make sure you partner didn't give you anything before asking to open your relationship.
As soon as your partner hits you, it’s over. You never hit someone you love. This pos doesn’t love you. Judge by his actions not his professed love
Since you told her that it bothers you?
I love my man but the being smelly is a turn off. We wouldn’t even intentionally do that to each other, we have dignity lol
Both of you are behaving the same way – most likely for the same reasons.
It's entirely subjective but if you can live! off your part time salary then working full time wouldn't be forever, to me security and after a few years returning to part time definitely sounds great
Part time will absolutely be great if they decide to have kids, they currently don't have kids
Lots of good advice here, but OP, PLEASE LOCK YOUR DOOR AT ALL TIMES! He already had rough sex with you, and has tried to aggressively kiss you and was angry about it. It’s clear he’s very in denial about his sexuality and is taking his inner turmoil out on you. Do not be alone with him in the flat.
Is he autistic?
I'm so glad you got out of there. Please be safe he sounds dangerous. Do not ever be alone with him
You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. You don't need a judge and jury to agree.
You're unhappy and resentful. You're not stronger, or a better person, or morally right for staying in an unhappy relationship.
You need to pull yourself back from this situation. Interacting with him is causing you undue stress and mental issues. If I was you I would just completely focus on myself, don’t text him first, don’t even think about him if you can help it. Take the time you need for yourself, don’t hook up with him anymore, spend that time journaling, meditating, or going to the gym. Lots of guys will regain their interest when they feel someone they’re with has stopped caring, but to be quite honest I’m not even sure he’s interested in you aside from the sexual aspect.
When you say you “met” two weeks ago, was this on-line or physically in-person? 2 weeks is super early for you to be doing a relationship in your head. And it’s likely he’s communicating with other women because you two are not exclusive. How long have you been out of your last relationship?
He sounds like he really cares about you and is trying to make sure you get home safely.
If you dont like it, tell him you'll uber tonight
So if OP was bisexual would it be odd to sleep in the same bed as your same sex sibling?
You are being very paranoid and controlling. Let it go. Blocking the guy is all she needs to do.
That's good. I gave you that link without making any comments just so that you can see for yourself that proposing an open relationship to a monogamous person very, very rarely goes well. The vast majority of the time, the person in your bf's position will just feel deeply hurt. They'll feel like you're telling them that you want to cheat. And they'll wonder why they aren't enough for you.
Even if all the other things are just right, if this one thing (his physical condition) isn't enough for you, then you should just tell him that if he doesn't start taking care of himself, you're going to end up leaving him. Or you should just go ahead and leave him.
Despite what other commenters are saying, there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner that values something (in this case fitness) as much as you do. Just don't keep the relationship on life support hoping that he'll suddenly change one day.
Personally, I don't like them.
I love animals, and would never mistreat or not help one in need, and I have done so for several but I look at those little things and I just don't get the appeal tbh.
But you're totally right, it is people like this that help perpetuate the unfair reputation the little demons puppers have.
I edited it but to answer your question nothing has ever happened between me and her only reason I know her is because of him and my gf and his gf just met eachother and everything went well so I’m not suee
I work in a big consultancy in London. I’ve literally seen employees doing it off a bosses table when he’s out.
I go to a pub after work with some friends for a chilled drink. Queue for the toilets is longer than the bar…
I go on hinge and match with a girl who went to my Ivy League equivalent university, teaches school kids, loves her job. Turns out she smashes coke and MDMA at events and on weekends.
It does seem quite naked to hide from I won’t lie
That certainly seems to be the case ;-/
I mean just be straight up. “I feel weird, you always get awesome gifts and I feel like I suck in comparison. Is there a way for me to improve?”
I’ve honestly made peace with that, I don’t think it can get worse than this. I agree with your first point though. I’ve tried explaining my view on that stuff and it just makes her feel like I’m calling everything she believes bullshit (I am, but it’s disrespectful so I try not to)
My current boyfriend and I have both been in this position with ex partners. Call family and block. That is what we did and years later they are still alive. I know how scary it is. If you can afford it (if you are in school maybe your school can help) I would try to go to counseling. It was very difficult for me and talking with a professional was helpful. Please know you are not alone! This will hurt for awhile and you might worry but know it is not your responsibility what they do. I know hearing “it’s not your fault” doesn’t feel like much of a comfort but take it to heart. You are only in control of yourself. Remember to take care of yourself!
I'm truly glad you recognize this. It is critically important to always put yourself first. Many people believe that this is selfish, however, you can't help anybody else if you aren't healthy. That is not just physical but mental and emotional as well.
I flaked on my current partner of over a year twice before we started hanging out. First time life genuinely got busy, second time I ghosted him because I got a fat pimple the day of our date, he essentially called me out and said I should’ve been in front and just say I didn’t want to hangout. I felt so guilty and like we would’ve really hit it off, so I fessed up to the pimple, he gave me one last shot, and now we laugh about it. Maybe she’s not interested, from what I’m getting, she just seems nervous. Make it clear to her that you like her, you need honesty, and offer a as low stakes as possible first date.