Also, she seems like a confident person who is not afraid of something that MIGHT happen. If OP doesn't cheat, she's chill. If OP cheats and proves to be a waste of time, she's gone. Makes sense.
It's always at the six month mark that the mask slips. That the honeymoon phase settles, then real life attitudes kick into gear.
She needs to get professional help to stop associating you with her dad. You're both not the same person.
Lies and deception have no place in a relationship. You definitely don't want to be marrying someone (in a few years) who takes pride in spreading lies, either.
Our bodies naturally respond to red flags for the sole purpose of protecting us from entering messy situations. That list you wrote? Keep it handy. Never make excuses for red flags, either.
This is a very good description of how alot of men feel. I would also add that alot of men feel that sex is a really important part of a relationship and feel like it's part of the womans contribution. They will feel that it's a symbol of how important they are. So if a women has sex earlier or more freely with someone else that will feel like they are more important to the woman. Most men know that women don't see it that way but men do so explaining how women think about it won't help.
As a dismissive avoidant male, it took a very long time to figure out why I lost interest after a year or two or three.
There are other rationalizations that guys come up with – like guys are visual, evolution makes guys crave novelty – I've heard the Madonna complex wherein you respect and ador a woman so much that you can't have dirty thoughts about her.
All that is bunk.
First, men's libido does drop off as they age. But provided there's no physical issues, it's emotional. If he gets nocturnal elections, then it's not physical. Rule that out first.
If he is a nice avoidant who really genuinely loves you, then he likely makes concessions all the time in order to keep you happy. And he feels good about that. But it's a struggle because he's avoidant. So a little ledger in the back of his brain gives himself a point each time he makes a concession. This can manifest as a low-level sort of resentment. If you can't take time or back away for a breath and you can't hurt your partners feelings, then something has to give. Your body can retract sex and sexual thoughts.
Let me give you a bad analogy that might allow you to empathize – your man comes home, he's grumpy – he asks for you to make you a sandwich. You've just finished cleaning the house and doing his laundry. You make him a sandwich, and he doesn't acknowledge it. You feel unappreciated. He then unzips and asks for a bj. You're not particularly turned on at this point. Not because he got uglier and not because you don't love him, you just feel like you've already done too much and been too neglected and the sex is likely to make you feel even more used and more neglected.
One pernicious narrative some men and women accept without question is that sex is wildly different for men and women. It's not. The narratives that men are allowed and that women are allowed are different. The feelings are the same.
oof it sounds like he's just kind of an idiot and put his foot in his mouth. I'm sure he regrets his words immensely lol. A lot of men also really can't understand the absolutely wild changes that happen to your body throughout pregnancy and childbirth. They just think it's some kind of womens maternal thing thats easy to accept when its really fucking not. I think it would be a good idea to sit down during a neutral time (IE not when you're about to have sex for the first time since giving birth) and explain to him everything thats going on.
I totally understand where you're coming from and its so hard. The changes happen too fast and you don't really have time to even comprehend them, especially once the baby comes. It's important to let your partner know how you're feeling.
This is a good thing. She took the step to send you the message that she is taking the steps to fully move on. Do the same too, dude. Heal and keep being yourself, dont let thoughts of this consume you
Alright. It’s your time to shine. Act like a total crazy pants and then say, I thought you perceived me as boring. Sorry. I’m kidding. Don’t do that. But don’t let that list make you doubt yourself. Just talk to him.
You should break up, this is far too much drama for 2.5 months. You clearly both want different things from the relationship, so it makes sense for you both to find people you're compatible with.
Nah no recovery from that, sorry. Mental images of you and your ex is going to haunt her.
Hahahaha my god man you are extreme
This!
Also, she seems like a confident person who is not afraid of something that MIGHT happen. If OP doesn't cheat, she's chill. If OP cheats and proves to be a waste of time, she's gone. Makes sense.
It's always at the six month mark that the mask slips. That the honeymoon phase settles, then real life attitudes kick into gear.
She needs to get professional help to stop associating you with her dad. You're both not the same person.
Lies and deception have no place in a relationship. You definitely don't want to be marrying someone (in a few years) who takes pride in spreading lies, either.
Our bodies naturally respond to red flags for the sole purpose of protecting us from entering messy situations. That list you wrote? Keep it handy. Never make excuses for red flags, either.
This is a very good description of how alot of men feel. I would also add that alot of men feel that sex is a really important part of a relationship and feel like it's part of the womans contribution. They will feel that it's a symbol of how important they are. So if a women has sex earlier or more freely with someone else that will feel like they are more important to the woman. Most men know that women don't see it that way but men do so explaining how women think about it won't help.
That's an unconscious manifestation of avoidance.
As a dismissive avoidant male, it took a very long time to figure out why I lost interest after a year or two or three.
There are other rationalizations that guys come up with – like guys are visual, evolution makes guys crave novelty – I've heard the Madonna complex wherein you respect and ador a woman so much that you can't have dirty thoughts about her.
All that is bunk.
First, men's libido does drop off as they age. But provided there's no physical issues, it's emotional. If he gets nocturnal elections, then it's not physical. Rule that out first.
If he is a nice avoidant who really genuinely loves you, then he likely makes concessions all the time in order to keep you happy. And he feels good about that. But it's a struggle because he's avoidant. So a little ledger in the back of his brain gives himself a point each time he makes a concession. This can manifest as a low-level sort of resentment. If you can't take time or back away for a breath and you can't hurt your partners feelings, then something has to give. Your body can retract sex and sexual thoughts.
Let me give you a bad analogy that might allow you to empathize – your man comes home, he's grumpy – he asks for you to make you a sandwich. You've just finished cleaning the house and doing his laundry. You make him a sandwich, and he doesn't acknowledge it. You feel unappreciated. He then unzips and asks for a bj. You're not particularly turned on at this point. Not because he got uglier and not because you don't love him, you just feel like you've already done too much and been too neglected and the sex is likely to make you feel even more used and more neglected.
One pernicious narrative some men and women accept without question is that sex is wildly different for men and women. It's not. The narratives that men are allowed and that women are allowed are different. The feelings are the same.
oof it sounds like he's just kind of an idiot and put his foot in his mouth. I'm sure he regrets his words immensely lol. A lot of men also really can't understand the absolutely wild changes that happen to your body throughout pregnancy and childbirth. They just think it's some kind of womens maternal thing thats easy to accept when its really fucking not. I think it would be a good idea to sit down during a neutral time (IE not when you're about to have sex for the first time since giving birth) and explain to him everything thats going on.
I totally understand where you're coming from and its so hard. The changes happen too fast and you don't really have time to even comprehend them, especially once the baby comes. It's important to let your partner know how you're feeling.
This is a good thing. She took the step to send you the message that she is taking the steps to fully move on. Do the same too, dude. Heal and keep being yourself, dont let thoughts of this consume you
Alright. It’s your time to shine. Act like a total crazy pants and then say, I thought you perceived me as boring. Sorry. I’m kidding. Don’t do that. But don’t let that list make you doubt yourself. Just talk to him.
You should break up, this is far too much drama for 2.5 months. You clearly both want different things from the relationship, so it makes sense for you both to find people you're compatible with.
Gross
Confirm….if not make other plans that weekend with friends. Go somewhere fun…a girl's weekend.
When I realized that while I was fighting to make him get his shit together, my own shit was falling apart. It was a dead weight situation.